Meet the Ninja!
by shadow74236915
Summary: With the discovery of an entire new continent, RED decides to send one of it's mercs to explore the new terrain. Just Engineer's luck they chose him, huh? Of course, the discovery of an entire civilization was NOT expected, but he'll deal with it. First though, who the hell beat up this little kid!
1. When Worlds Collide

**Jeez... I'm just kicking out new story after new story, huh?**

**Anyways, if you've read 'Return of the Avatar' (more importantly, the A.N. Intro), then you've probably noticed the little part that said I was trying to publish a new story that was still in the works.**

**This is not that story.**

_**This**_** story was started on a _complete _whim, that (hopefully) doesn't bomb completely within five chapters or so.**

**(I mean, I love to write Fanfiction, but I seriously feel like I suck at it sometimes...)**

**So... yeah.**

**Also, this has been inspired by a story I've read. I'm trying to keep it from being plagiarism, so PLEASE don't say I'm plagiarizing someone's work! That's the LAST thing I want to do!**

**Now, info on the other works... 'RotA' is almost through it's second chapter! I was working on it, and then, suddenly, things stopped completely. (I'm literally writing this little bit only a few minutes after said stop) So, in an attempt to divert my finicky muse, rather than lose it completely, I'm starting this. **

**Everything else is still at it's same point. Nothing was changed, except I added several hundred words to 'Burning Up', which has it's beginning and end, but the middle is envisioned but not reality. Again, a work in progress.**

**Alright! Let's start this bad boy!**

* * *

**Do not own Naruto or TF2. Also, do not own the original plot bunny, so please don't hate me if you see similarities!**

* * *

_(October 10th, Six Years after Kyuubi Attack on Konoha)_

...

..

.

It was his birthday today.

...not that anyone else cared.

...

He was seven years old today.

...not that anyone was happy for him.

...

He has been living by himself for almost three years now.

...not that anyone felt sorry for the poor boy.

Scratch that, the poor 'demon', as they so lovingly called him.

...

..

.

Naruto Uzumaki, age seven, had been living a miserable existence for the past seven years; basically, his entire life. On the day of his birth, seven years ago, a monster, known as the Kyuubi no Kitsune, had rampaged throughout the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Konoha, which happens to be the birthplace and home of young Naruto. The Kyuubi was always spoken of in fear; a humongous, nine-tailed orange fox, with so much power, a flick of it's paws could bring down a mountain. The Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, however, had put up an amazing defense against said monster, saving most of the village from the beast before killing it himself; though this was not without a price.

The Hokage had died in the battle, along with many shinobi and civilians, leaving many to mourn for their losses. In honor of their sacrifice, the village would put on a festival on the anniversary of the defeat of the Kyuubi. There was food, games, a parade, all the works, really...

...at least, that's what he had heard.

Naruto, in the few years he had been alive and aware, had not once seen this festival in person. This was even more surprising with the fact that it was his birthday, but no one else would allow him to step within a fifty-yard radius of the festival.

You see, for as long as he could remember (which was not very long a time), almost the entire village of Konoha despised the poor boy. There was never an explanation for their actions. It sometimes seemed as though he was hated simply for living, although he expected some people to scorn him for being alive.

He had heard stories, you see, about that day. All the demonic energy that was released with the death of the Kyuubi had, unfortunately, poisoned all newborn children in the hospital, except for him.

So, when he heard cries of _"Demon!" _aimed towards him, it was likely they believed he was a demon himself, able to survive the taint of the Kyuubi.

"There's the demon now! Let's get him!"

Speaking of which...

* * *

He had been walking home from the Training Grounds.

After he joined the Ninja Academy a year ago, he had quickly become famously known as the 'dead-last' of his class. Simply put, he _sucked _in almost every single aspect of shinobi skills. He could never focus enough to listen during History, he was terrible in Math, his handwriting was barely legible, his aim with kunai and shuriken was shoddy at best, and he could _never _pull off a successful **Clone Jutsu**. His only saving grace was his _insane _stamina; it kept him in the front of the pack during physical exercises and Taijutsu spars.

So, in an effort to become better, Naruto would head out to Training Ground 9 after school and practice his **Clone Jutsu**. Of course, practicing the wrong way to do something is never a good idea, but Naruto wasn't a very logical person to begin with. So, he'd spend hours trying to make a successful clone, only for it to be nothing but smoke, or to look like it was near death. And, no matter what, Naruto could never figure out why. After several hours of this, he would give up and go home, exhausted from his overuse of chakra.

On his way home, night fell quickly, causing the streets to fade out of sight and leaving him barely able to tell where he was going. So, in a rare moment where Lady Luck didn't watch over him, Naruto ended up right at the edge of the parade.

Which led to his current predicament: running away from the angry villagers.

...

..

.

The chase had gone on for several hours, most of which was running. In a few rare instances, he was able to lose the mob long enough to hide and rest for a few minutes, after which he'd attempt to make his way home before being found again; this cycle would continue several times before Naruto ended up over by the southern gate into the village.

_'I'm not gonna be able to make it home tonight with this many people searching... maybe the forest will serve as a better home for the night...' _With that thought being his only available option, Naruto quickly darted outside the village walls before anybody saw him. Or, at least, he _tried _not to be seen...

"The demon is running through the gate! After him!"

Kami... curse his luck tonight...

He was able to put a good distance between them and him, and was faster than them regardless. If he was lucky, maybe there was a cave or a-

"AHHH!" Searing pain tore through his right shoulder, as something had pierced it all the way through. He fell to the ground in a blind panic, as pain overcame his desperation. Looking down, he saw the tip of a kunai point torn through his shoulder, thrown from...

"Well, well, well... looks like I caught a fox in a trap."

Mizuki.

He was one of the Chuunin instructors at the Academy, and he really had it out for the blonde. Every mistake he made would be ridiculed on in front of the entire class, a less-than-perfect ended up as a zero on his tests (which, oddly, had questions that no other students might have gotten), and any questions he had over the day's lesson or the taijutsu instructions were promptly ignored or shot down completely.

Seriously, this guy had problems.

Mizuki, grinning evilly the entire time, raised two fingers to his lips before giving off a loud, high-pitched whistle, clearly able to be heard from long distances. The mob quickly gathered.

"Well now, looks like the demon thought he could ruin the festival, did he?"

"He deserves punishment!"

"But what should we do?"

"Burn him alive!"

"Tie him to a tree upside-down!"

"Cut off his fingers and toes!"

"I have an idea..." The mob turned to see a stranger wearing all-black robes and a hood, preventing anybody from seeing his features, standing right at the back of his crowd.

"I've heard the little demon's dream... the dream of being the Hokage someday."

"NEVER!"

"How _dare _he do something like that!"

"This is unacceptable!"

"You obviously don't want this happening. So, how should we prevent this dream from ever becoming a reality?" Unsure murmurs projected from the crowd, no one having any good enough ideas. The stranger smiled evilly underneath his hood.

"We seal away his chakra... _forever_." The mob gasped in shock, never having heard of something like this before.

"How do you plan on doing that?! Sealing ink can always be removed by a seal master!" Mizuki questioned.

"Ink _can _be removed... but I'm not using ink." The stranger pulled out a metal rod with a pointed end from somewhere within his robes. After quickly clearing a small patch of earth, he ran through some handsigns before spitting out a small ball of fire that set only the area in front of him ablaze. Once he stuck the point into the flames and waited, Mizuki finally understood what the stranger was planning.

And how he _wished _he could have thought of this himself.

Mizuki turned to the Naruto, who was trying to crawl away using his left arm, and quickly stabbed the boy's hand into the ground with another kunai. While the boy screamed in agony, he quickly ripped off the back of Naruto's shirt, leaving a canvas for the stranger to do his work.

"I hope you scream." Mizuki whispered harshly. Then, he paused as if something occurred to him, and another sick smile spread on his face. "Maybe... maybe I'll make sure you can't do handseals anymore, just in case this doesn't work." Quick as a flash, a kunai sliced it's way through his wrist, completely severing his hand off. Naruto couldn't have screamed any louder, or his vocal chords might've exploded in his throat.

"Just making a contingency plan, in case your method doesn't work, stranger." The figure nodded, still heating up the rod in the fire.

Once the tip was glowing white-hot, it was pulled from the fire before he made his way over to Naruto.

"And now..." the stranger began. "The end of the Kyuubi's dream."

And he began to draw on Naruto's back(1).

...

..

.

Afterwards, when the pain ceased and the cheering stopped, the rest of the mob having given out their own 'justice', Naruto was left where he was. The kunai had been removed, having been used as other instruments of torture, and so, Naruto slowly picked himself off the ground and trudged forward. He didn't care about where he was going, he just needed to find some sort of shelter. He whimpered in pain every time he took a step, his left leg dragging along behind him as he awkwardly hopped on his right to keep moving. Suddenly, an orange glow flashed into life in between the trees, lighting a path for him in the darkness.

Naruto didn't care who it was; he needed help, and this fire was the best chance he had.

* * *

Dell sighed as he kept striking the flint. This was why he built things; he'd _never _be able to survive like this without them. He cracked open his pack of daily rations, and shuddered as he pulled out his dinner... if it could even be called food. All it did was give him nutrition, even if the method of 'how' was absolutely terrible. He quickly choked it down, washing his mouth out with his ration of water (which, thankfully, was real water). Once he finished gagging, he sighed and pulled out a small notebook and a pencil.

...

Okay, hang on... let's start with _why _Dell was out here in the first place.

He had been fighting the in Gravel War for the past six years or so as the RED Engineer, with the threat of dying having no hold on him, his teammates, nor the BLU team. However, in the past six months, the outside world had been making _huge _technological achievements; most specifically, Space Exploration. One day, it occured to somebody in NASA to take pictures of the earth from space, and when Redmond, the owner of RED, saw the photos, he was ready to hand over his half of the land to his brother, owner of BLU, in a heartbeat.

An _entire landmass _that had never been discovered before was seen smack-dab in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Obviously, Redmond immediately wanted to claim it as his own. The Administrator, however, implored him to think ahead, and have someone scout the land out first. Which somehow led to Redmond choosing Engineer as his 20th Century _conquistador_. After being given nothing but a small sailboat, several months' worth of rations, a set of coordinates, and anything else he owned that he thought would help, Dell had been dropped off at a port in Hawaii and he had soon set sail. Now that he had the time to rest, though, he had a job to do.

As he began writing, he talked aloud to himself. Some time ago, he found out it somehow made it a little easier for him to voice his thoughts while putting them on paper.

"'I first sailed 'long, what I reckon was, a desert that stretched fer miles. I didn' see any signs a' people, though, so I kept 'long the coast. As I kept truckin', the desert soon turned t'a marshland. I would'a stopped there, but the water was deep 'nough that I couldn' walk in it safely, but shallow 'nough that the boat would be done fer iffin' I tried ta sail through; so, I went past it. Finally, I saw this forest land that was the most...'" He paused for a moment, considering. "'Hospitable'? Yeah... that'll work..." He quickly jotted it down before continuing.

"Still, I hadn' seen any people, and I kept sailin' 'long 'til the land curved 'round and headed back out the way I came in. So, I had the option of either sailin' back out and, possibly, findin' no better place to land (which would'a wasted 'bout a week's worth a' rations), or stop here and head in ta the forest. I chose the latter, and I been explorin' for 'bout three days.'" Dell sighed. He stopped writing.

"I jus' don' get it! These weapons I'mma findin' all over these woods look new!... or at least a coupl'a years old..." He looked over to his little collection to see several knife-looking weapons, and some kind of four-pointed star that was sharp and the same metal as the knives. "If there were folks 'round here, I'm just not findin' any of 'em..."

And then, as if Dell's words magically summoned him, a blonde boy staggered into the clearing. Dell dropped his notebook out of shock, and, acting on instinct alone, quickly pulled out his shotgun before aiming at the boy. He instantly regretted it, seeing the boy flinch in fear. And that's when Dell finally noticed the state of the boy: he was covered in scratches, burns, bruises, and stab marks. He looked like he had been used as one of Heavy's punching bags before being given to Medic and Pyro to play with.

Dell instantly lowered the gun and put it on the ground. It seemed to calm the blonde somewhat, and Dell raised his hands to show he was unarmed.

"Hey..." he said softly. "I'm not gonna hurt you; you just surprised me s'all..." The boy just stared at him blankly.

"S-sa..._(H-help...)_" he whispered, before faceplanting into the ground. Dell, shocked at the turn of events stared at him for a moment. When he did, he saw two of the most cruel and inhumane things ever done to another person. On the boy's back was a pattern consisting of scribbles and lines, _branded into the boy's skin_. He had seen his Pop brand the family cattle, but it was always a small mark on their rump. This... _no one _would do this to anything...

Of course, it wasn't as bad as the fact that someone also cut the boy's hand clean off.

Dell finally snapped into action, rushing into his truck before pulling out one of his machines and a medical kit. He ran to the body on the ground and, after placing the machine down (which began to crank and whir as it set itself up), he opened the kit and started treating as many of the injuries as he could with what little first-aid experience he had.

"Come on, kid... don't die on me! Don't die!"

...

..

.

Naruto was floating.

There was nothing but darkness around him.

"Do... on me! Don't..."

Naruto's brow furrowed.

Who was talking? It wasn't a language he knew...

Oh yes, that man. The man with the weird language, and the stick the man pointed at him.

Naruto wasn't sure what the man was going to do with the stick, but whatever...

He was content to just stay here.

No worries

...

No cares

...

No pain

...

Nothing

...

Nothing in the darkness.

...

..

.

"Shit..." Dell breathed. The boy seemed to be breathing steadily, and the wounds were slowly starting to heal.

But this wouldn't be enough.

The Dispenser was designed to heal minor wounds, enough until his teammates could get to Medic. However, there were injuries that were too big for his machine to fix, especially the stump where the boy's hand used to be.

He needed to get the boy back to... _somewhere_!

...Where did he come from anyways? There had to be people with him; no animal could do damage like this, and the brand was too concentrated and precise for the boy to have done it accidentally or to himself.

Dell swallowed heavily, needing people to get here, and to get here _now_.

A thought struck him, and he ran back to his tent, searching for the good-luck gift Pyro gave him. Finding it after a few minutes, Dell pointed in the air...

...and fired the flare gun.

...

..

.

The first thing he saw was the mask.

It was a little terrifying, honestly, to see a white mask and nothing else, just staring at him.

Then, people suddenly appeared into existence, enclosing him in a circle.

He had yelled in fright, admittedly, due to his many years of experience with the BLU Spy. One more suddenly appeared in front of him, wearing a mask that looked slightly like a dog, separating him from the boy. The (apparent) leader quickly held a knife in front of Dell's face, prompting the engineer to hold his hands up as a sign of surrender. As he did, he couldn't help but stare in shock at the gravity-defying silver hair the man possessed.

"Anata dare?! Naze anata wa Naruto ni shite iru?!_(Who are you?! What did you do to Naruto?!)_" Dell stared at the man (at least, he _assumed _it was a man). stunned that the man was speaking perfect Japanese, as far as he could tell.

"I don't speak Japanese... I'm sorry." The masked man tilted his head, like he was confused.

"Anata wa nani o itte iru no? Watashi wa anata o rikai shite inai..._(What did you just say? I can't understand you...)_"

"Watashitachiha, Hokage-sama ni Inu-san o tsureteiku hitsuyō ga arimasu. Kono hito wa doko ni demo kono atari karade wa nai yōdesu..._(We should take this guy to Hokage-sama, Inu-san. This guy doesn't look like he's from around here...)_" one of the masked people in the circle said to the leader.

"Shinken ni, kono otoko wa kite iru fuku o mitekudasai!_(Seriously, look at the clothes he's wearing!)_"

"Watashi wa, jibun jishin de sore o kangaedashi dōmo arigatōgozaimashita, baka!_(I figured that out on my own, thank you very much, idiot!)_" he barked back. He snapped his fingers, and two of the masks quickly grabbed Dell's arms. Dell struggled to get free, and managed to get his arm free before pointing to the boy.

"KARE O TASUKERU!_(HELP HIM!)_" Dell yelled. Everyone froze, as they heard the man, who was speaking a completely foreign language before, say something they understood completely. The leader silently stared at Dell, who swallowed nervously. Did he say it wrong?

"Kare... o... tasukeru?" he said, more like a question this time. The leader crouched down and studied the boy. There were fresh bandages covering wounds, and that strange metal box that had chakra flowing into Naruto was, slowly, healing the scratches and burns. He stood back up and turned to the stranger in the yellow helmet, before nodding his head and giving a thumbs-up. The man sighed, glad that they seemed to be on the boy's side.

"Watashi... tasukeru... kare. Hai?_(I... help... him. Yes?)_" Inu nodded, and the man sighed in relief again, before staring intently at him. "Shōsaina tasuke!_(More help!)_" Inu nodded again, and turned to his subordinates.

"Darekaga sugu ni byōin ni kare o eru!_(Someone get him to the hospital immediately!)_" One who was wearing a mask that resembled a hawk, slightly, came forward, grabbing the boy's arm, and quickly disappeared with the boy in tow. Dell stared at the spot where the blonde used to be, gaping like a large-mouth bass.

Inu saw this, and wondered. _'How can he be shocked at the use of chakra? Maybe he's just never seen a ninja before...'_ He walked up to the man in the yellow hat, and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Kuru._(Come.)_" Dell nodded, glad he understood that part, and the world suddenly seemed to shift. One moment, he was sitting in the middle of a forest, the next, he was suddenly sitting in an office with panoramic windows and an old man sitting at a desk. The old man seemed surprised at his sudden arrival, and stood up to greet him.

Of course, that was when the nausea and dizziness kicked in. Dell held his stomach in pain as he wobbled on his feet slightly. The old man looked to the masked-man, completely confused.

"Kare wa mae ni **Shunshin** o heta koto ga nai no ka?_(He's never gone through a **Shunshin **before?)_" The mask quickly shook his head 'no'.

"Hokage-sama, watashi wa kono otoko ga imademo mae ni _chakra_ o mite iru to wa omowanai... _(Hokage-sama, I don't think this man has ever even seen _chakra _before...)_" came the reply.

...

..

.

Sarutobi sighed.

So... _that _had finally started.

"ANBU! Leave the room immediately! No one is allowed to listen in to this conversation!" he ordered, his 'God of Shinobi' side showing for an instant.

"Sir..." Inu started. "We don't speak the same language as him. What conversation would you have with the language barrier?" Sarutobi smirked.

"I... have my ways... now go." Inu nodded, before vanishing in a **Shunshin**. Sounds in the ceiling alerted him that the rest of the ANBU Guard had gone as well. He quickly put up the silencing seals and the barrier seal that would keep everyone else out.

Sarutobi finally looked back at his guest who had managed to reorient himself before the puking started. He wore an... interesting outfit, with the yellow helmet and blue shirt, not to mention the overalls and tool-belt. He went over to his drawer, and released the false bottom before pulling out two sheets of paper. He pulled out a kunai, slowly, as to not startle the man, and, after making sure the stranger was watching, pricked his finger with the tip until he drew blood. He then smeared some across the first paper, before cleaning the kunai of his blood and handing both kunai and the second paper to the man. He motioned for the stranger to do the same thing on the other sheet and, after some confusion, the man did so.

Satisfied, Sarutobi went back to his desk and pulled out two pens, one of which he handed to his guest. Sarutobi started writing on his sheet, then looked up and mimed the man looking down at his own paper. When he did, the stranger gaped at the paper like he had just seen a miracle.

(So, for this little portion, Sarutobi's writing will be _italicized_, and Dell's will be **bolded**, so that there's no confusion as to who's talking)

_"Hello. My name is Sarutobi. Might I ask who you are?" _The stranger looked up at Sarutobi in disbelief.

"Sarutobi." he said, placing a hand on his chest, trying to show that, yes, it was his name and his writing. He motioned for the stranger to do the same on his paper.

"Uhhh... **Well, sir, my name is... well, my TITLE is Engineer. I'm not allowed to tell you my name, I'm afraid..." **Sarutobi's brow raised in amusement. The stranger (Engineer, as he said) was, once again, gaping at the fact that Sarutobi's previous message disappeared once he finished writing.

_"It's another trick the paper does. Besides allowing us to communicate (even if it's not very efficient), it saves us the trouble of running out of space on the paper. You and I have a _lot _to talk about, Engineer-san." _Engineer looked extremely confused.

**"How is this even possible?! The translation; the writing; the _teleporting_ thing that made me want to throw up, for crying out loud!"**

_"Let me start off with a question for you: how did you discover this place?"_

**"Well, Sarutobi, the country I came from had recently decided to take photos of the earth from space; for what purpose, you're guess is as good as mine. Anyways, the photos revealed this landmass just sitting out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, so I was sent here to explore the place. Of course, a storm blew me off course by about twenty miles south, but I made it here..."**

_"Space?! Your civilization has already discovered space travel?!"_

**"Yeah. And air travel. ...what's your country's greatest technological achievement so far?"**

_"Not my country. I am a leader of a village, not the country. We have a Daimyo for that, which, in your language, would be the equivalent of a king. However, in our land, named The Elemental Nations, Frost Country, up in the north, has recently revealed they had made a vehicle called a train. Of course, it is a tiny thing that can barely move five people on it's own power, but they have started making improvements."_

**"Well, we've made trains as well, along with carts that run without horses, vehicles that can fly people across long distances, and boats that don't require oars or sails to move. Also, the rocket, which is what brings people to space."**

_"Amazing... after all these years separated from the rest of the world, and we have been left far behind..."_

**"You mean, you _knew _about my people?!"**

_"Of course. The Kages and Daimyos of every village and country, respectively, have had the knowledge passed down through our predecessors ever since we first made civilization."_

**"What is a Kage?"**

_"Well... do you know what a ninja is?"_**  
**

**"...you're kidding, right?"**

_"What? What do you _think _a ninja is?"_

**"Like... dressed in black. Not showing their faces by wearing a hood. Using little throwing stars and swords to kill people from the shadows. Things like that."**

_"You are, actually, completely correct. But we are _more_ than that. The place we are in right now is called a Hidden Village, specifically, the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Take a look if you want." _He waved his hand to the window invitingly.

Dell got up from his chair hesitantly, and walked over to the panoramic window surrounding the office. His jaw slowly dropped to match his shocked state of mind.

The village, in a word, was beautiful. The streets were filled with people, happily chatting to each other as they went about their business of the day. There were many stores and houses through out the village, with a modern Japanese style to it (for whatever reason). The village was lines with tall, thick walls of white stone, adding a level of security and safety to the village. The kicker, though, was the giant mountain the village was backed to, which had four faces carved into it, almost resembling Mt. Rushmore in Dell's eyes.

"Sweet Jesus..." Dell breathed. Hiruzen chuckled to himself, guessing (correctly) that Engineer was astounded by what he saw.

**"I've been around a lot, and I have never seen such a sight..."**

_"I understand. I had the same reaction when I first saw the village from the window here." _Both men shared a laugh with each other before returning to the conversation. _"In any case, what makes us more than the ninjas _you _described, is that we have an energy within our bodies; an energy that allows us to shoot fire, walk on water, and heal injuries. We call it chakra, and it is the lifeforce of every human being in the Nations."_

**"Lifeforce? You mean-"**

_"If someone was to lose all their chakra, they'd die? Yes."_

**"Damn... But, how come the people where I come from don't have this... 'chakra'?"**

_"Well,... first off, have you studied genetics?"_

**"Yeah. The traits that humans acquire from their ancestors."**_  
_

_"Yes, well the humans in the Nations have the gene that gives us usage of chakra. Honestly, _all _humans have chakra in their bodies. I believe that you simply can't access it, and forgot it over time."_

**"You mean that you were once connected to the rest of the world?"**

_"We were, and it was an awful time. Our lands haven't always been divided into countries; before, we were grouped into our clans, which would be all the members of your family. The clans, however, were always at war with each other, causing uncountable deaths of clan members, and innocents. Before the end of the Clan wars, non-chakra users began to fear us, and planned to invade and kill us all. The strongest chakra user in our recorded history, the Sage of Six Paths, decided that we would separate ourselves from the non-chakra users and, by using the power of the Tailed Beasts, split our landmass off of the mainland and sent it deep into the middle of the ocean. He was then able to use chakra and completely hide the landmass from outside view; any ships that made it this far would, somehow, always end up turning backwards by some other force. Thinking that we had vanished completely, they gave up on finding us; however, over time, you had forgotten about us arrival here, however, means that the barrier has finally vanished, which brings you here today."_

**"That's a lot to take in at once..."**

_"I understand. Even then, I only gave you a brief history of how we came to be."_

**"Still, how did every Kage know about this?"**

_"Well, the Sage kept the knowledge alive in the minds of every clan leader; everyone else just... forgot. After the creation of the Hidden Villages and the different kingdoms, the knowledge remained with the leaders of each country and village, while everyone else lost all knowledge. I'm not certain _how_, but it seems to be a jutsu of some sort..."_**  
**

**"Jutsu?"**

_"The techniques we can use with chakra."_

**"Oh. So, what are the Tailed Beasts?"**

_"I was hoping you would ask..." _Sarutobi pulled a face. _"The chakra I just mentioned earlier... imagine that there were nine beings, taller than the mountains themselves, that were completely comprised of chakra." _Dell gaped.**  
**

**"Is that even possible?!"**

_"It is. The nine beasts are classified by the number of tails each possess; both strength-wise and name-wise. There is the Ichibi no Tanuki, the Nibi no Bakeneko, the Sanbi no Kame, the Yonbi no Saru, the Gobi no Iruka-ba, the Rokubi no Suraggu, the Nanabi no Kabutomushi, the Hachibi no Ushi-oni, and the Kyuubi no Kitsune. Of course, we wouldn't allow such creatures to roam free throughout our world. So, some time before the Clan Wars' end, the first leader of this village, Hashirama Senju, captured each beast and gave them out to the different countries as a balance of power. Fighting a Tailed Beast is something no one would be willing to go up against." _Dell nodded.

**"Makes sense. It's like a deterrent for war." **Hiruzen sighed.

_"If only that were the case... we have had three separate wars since the Clan Wars, with the five villages choosing sides and attempting to kill each other." _Dell hummed sadly.

**"But... where would you keep one of these creatures? There's no logical place for it, unless you plan on burying it miles underground..." **Hiruzen chuckled lightly.

_"No. We use a branch of the ninja arts known as Fuinjutsu, the Art of Sealing. By using special chakra ink, sealwork can do... almost anything, if you have the mind for it."_

**"So... this paper we're holding right now..."**

_"Yes. Seals were written on it so that, when you put your blood on the paper, it automatically translates writing into your own dialect. Both sheets have also been made into 'twins' of a sort, so that what happens on one sheet is copied onto the other."_

**"You said anything..."**

_"I did. Sealing objects into a pocket-dimension is beginner-level Fuinjutsu compared to this work."_

**"Wait, sealing _objects_?!"** Hiruzen raised a finger, and pulled out a sheet of sealing paper from within his desk. He placed a pen on top, and, after putting his hands in the Tora seal, shouted, "Fuin!" There was a puff of smoke, and, after it dissipated, the pen had vanished. Hiruzen then put his hands in the Ram seal, and shouted, "Kai!" In another puff of smoke, the pen returned(2).

Dell's jaw was officially on the ground.

_"Yes, sealing objects." _Dell swallowed heavily, and returned to his train of thought.

**"So, you seal giant monsters into that tiny piece of paper-"**

_"What, are you crazy?! There's no _way_ a Tailed Beast could be held in an everyday object!"_

**"But, you just said-"**

_"Forgive me, I forgot that you had no idea how this works. No, sealing a Bijuu, which is another name for the Tailed Beasts, into a piece of paper... well, if the attempt doesn't kill you, the explosion from when the paper is destroyed just might."_

**"So, seals do have limits to what they can do, including sealing a mass of chakra into a tiny piece of paper."**

_"It would be like injecting about twenty tons of chakra into the paper."_

**"I see... so what _do _you seal the Bijuu into, if you can't put it into paper?"**

_"...newborn children."_

"WHAT IN TARNATIONGIVES YOU PEOPLE THE _RIGHT_-"

"Ochitsuite kudasai!_(Please calm down!)_" Dell huffed angrily, knowing the Hokage couldn't understand him in the first place.

**"I cannot _believe _you people! What would make you do something like that?!"**

_"It's either that, or let the Bijuu destroy the entire village! These aren't peaceful creatures, Engineer; they would crush you underfoot in a heartbeat, with _no remorse_! We Kages have to make a choice: either that one person, or our entire peoples."_

**"...still, that's no excuse."**

_"I feel terrible every day, Engineer. The person chosen, which we call a jinchuuriki, is destined to a life of loneliness. They are scorned by the civilians, and are the pariahs of the village. Jinchuuriki cannot retain control of the Bijuu forever, Engineer. The seal can falter, the jinchuuriki can die, or, Kami forbid, the Bijuu is willingly released. Most of those people lose family when the jinchuuriki loses control of the Bijuu, and the next jinchuuriki has to bear all of their hatred... and the cycle starts all over again."_

**"So, that boy..." **Hiruzen sighed heavily. _This _was the moment of truth._  
_

_"Yes. He is the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, the strongest of the nine. It has been his burden since birth, and the entire adult population sees him as nothing but the fox itself."_

**"THAT'S FUCKING STUPID!" **Hiruzen stared at the words on the page, jaw on the floor. **"Pardon my language. But still! You just said that... sealing an object is like storing an object into another space. If that's the case, then that boy is like a piece of paper; he holds it, but is not _it_!"** Hiruzen stared at the words, before smiling widely.

_"In half an hour, you've already understood more about Naruto than the entire village could fathom."_

**"Naruto's his name then... so, why don't his parents protect him? If letting his entire back get branded while his right hand gets chopped off is 'protection', I'll eat my hat."**

_"He's an orphan. Both his parents died the night of his birth; the day the Kyuubi attacked our village."_

**"Then why isn't the orphanage protect- no, wait. I answered my own question."**

_"You would be correct. He was kicked out at the age of four, and I purchased an apartment for him to live in. He has a weekly allowance for groceries, and the utilities are paid for, but he lives by himself."_

**"Not _one _person in this village would want to adopt him?"**

_"If they do, they either can't afford it or their job is too... much... for them to be able to take care of him effectively."_

**"I see... where's Naruto now?"**

_"He's in the hospital. His injuries are being treated by a doctor I _do _trust with Naruto, so he should be okay within a day or two. He has an unusually high healing rate, allowing him to recover in days what would usually take weeks for a normal person."_

**"I would like to see him soon... but I need my tools for something."**

_"Your... tools?"_

**"Ask one of your masked ninja to bring me back at the clearing they found me. I have something useful there."**

...

...

_(Half an hour later...)_

"Well? Is this workin'?" Hiruzen reached for the paper on his desk, slack-jawed all the while. "No no, you don' need ta do that. Jus' talk ta me normal."

"Engineer?"

"Yep! Do ya like mah invention? It'sa translator device; whatever I say comes out in your language, and anythin' I hear, I hear in mine." Dell explained.

"But- but how do you have our _entire _language translated already?"

"Oh, that's easy! Y'all are speakin' Japanese!"

"Japa... what?"

"It's an island country off tha coast 'a China, probably right 'round where y'all split away from tha mainland. Tha dialect remains tha same, and it's already in mah machine's database, so it translates perfectly!"

"Is that why you were able to communicate with us in the forest?" Inu suddenly asked from his place next to Dell.

"Naw! _That _was because I studied Japanese in school! I don' remember much, but I knew 'nough to get y'all off my back."

"Sorry about that, by the way... it's just that-"

"When a stranger is standin' over a bloody kid, while a weird machine is doing some glowy-thing ta him, you'd rather attack first n' ask questions later."

"In a nutshell, yeah."

"Anyways, is Naruto doin' okay?"

"A messenger from the hospital came in while you two were gone. While Naruto is on the mend, there are some... complications... that he needs to know about." Dell nodded.

"Alright. Can I wait fer him ta wake up?"

"Of course you can. I'd think that Naruto would want to meet his savior sooner rather than later."

* * *

**I'm DONE!**

**Oh my GOD this took too long to write! I started in August, and it's September!**

**A.N.'s:**

**(1): I'm not writing this out. Use your own imagination on how this played out. I'm not a violent guy, and I don't think violent thoughts, so this was a no-no for me.**

**(2): I don't know if these are the correct hand-seals for Fuin and Kai. Let me know if I screwed up! :)**

**In other news, I'm leaving for a vacation over the weekend. I'm bringing my laptop, but I'm not sure whether or not I'll have Internet access. If I don't, the chapter will not be updated anytime soon. If I _do_... probably the same thing.  
**

**Check me out on kage-musha742369. tumblr. com _(no spaces) _to see all my recent work!**

**Until then,**

**~_Kage Musha_**


	2. Father and Son

**Welp! Typing this shit over my vacation (fall break), and I'm **_**really **_**unmotivated for some reason…**

**Oh! I know! I'm **_**barely **_**getting reviews from you people! :( **

**I am unable to write **_**effectively**_** if I do not get **_**reviews**_**. Review. **_**Review. REVIEW.**_** …please.**

**Riley: Begging for reviews? You **_**are**_** desperate, aren't you?**

**KM: Ugh… I don't need this Riley…**

**Naruto: It's kinda true, though.**

**KM: When did you-**

**Riley: Um… do I know this kid?**

**KM: No, you haven't-**

**Naruto: I don't know him either, right?**

**KM: I just said-**

**Riley: Why is he here?**

**KM: Riley, just-**

**Naruto: Why is **_**he **_**here?! I've been here since you started your career on Fanfiction!**

**KM: Naruto…**

**Riley: Well, **_**I'm **_**his OC of his favorite character!**

**KM: …uh, guys?**

**Naruto: What does that even mean?!**

**KM: Guys?**

**Riley: Like you don't already know!**

**Naruto: I **_**don't**_**!**

**KM: SHUT IT! **_**NOW!**_

**Riley/Naruto: HE STARTED IT!**

**KM: I could **_**literally **_**give less of a fuck right now! Shut up before I get out a trunk that fits one of you, and lock the **_**both of you **_**in there****!**

**Riley/Naruto: ...we'll be quiet now.**

**KM: Perfect. Now, I do not own the franchises either of these two come from. I also am re-doing this idea from some other author who posted the (somewhat) same plot on this site. That does NOT mean I am trying to plagiarize! There are going to be **_**very few **_**similarities between our stories! DO NOT LABEL ME A PLAGIARIST; that is THE LAST thing I want!**

**Now then, let's start up this bad boy! ;)**

* * *

Naruto moaned softly, his eyes slowly opening then shutting again from the brightness of the room.

"Naruto-kun! Are you feeling okay?"

It was Jiji… which meant he was safe.

"Jiji... where...?"

"You're in the hospital right now, Naruto-kun. You've been asleep for three days, and... well..."

"Wh-why can't I feel my fingers?! What happ-" Naruto broke off, suddenly remembering _exactly _what had happened to him. "No… no. No! NONONONO-"

"Naruto!" Naruto started to panic, his breathing becoming erratic. "Naru-DOCTOR!"

A man in a white coat burst through the door. He immediately took stock of the situation, and quickly grabbed a breathing mask to put on Naruto's mouth.

"It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe normal; in and out, in and out, in, and out, in... and out." He spoke as soothingly as he could, calming Naruto down until the boy started breathing normally again. "Better?" Naruto's eyes began to water, heartbroken.

"Thank you for your help, doctor, but I think you should leave for a moment..." Sarutobi said quietly. The doctor bowed slightly to the village leader, and hastily made for the door. Sarutobi removed the mask from Naruto's face, and gently drew the boy in for a hug, who began to sob.

"Shhh... it's okay, Naruto. I promise they won't hurt you again."

"N-no! Th-that's not w-what I'm c-crying about! I-I can't k-keep my p-promise to you, j-jiji; I w-won't be able t-to t-take your h-hat from you!" Another bout of sobs enveloped the boy, and Hiruzen slightly teared up himself.

Naruto's dream was crushed in a single night.

There would be _hell _to pay in the village.

...

..

.

Naruto had cried himself to sleep within the hour after his panic attack, exhausted from everything he had to endure. Hiruzen slowly creeped out the door, and closed it gently before turning to see Dell sitting in a chair across the hall from Naruto's room. Sarutobi quickly walked up to the man, and stared him dead in the eye.

"If you do anything, and I mean _anything_, to cause Naruto more grief, I will _personally _punt you all the way back to wherever you came from; am I **clear****?**" Dell swallowed nervously, knowing it was best to not anger a man who had more power in one finger than Dell had in his whole body.

"Ah, y-yes sir..." Dell stuttered out.

"Good."

"So, um... how's th' lil' guy doin'?" came the innocent question. Sarutobi sighed heavily.

"He's not upset about what happened to him..."

"Seriously?"

"...he's devastated by the fact that he can no longer take my place when he grows up." Dell smiled softly.

"He wanted ta be tha Hokage someday?" Sarutobi's own mouth formed a smile.

"He did. Not just so he could be a leader of an entire village; he knew that if he was the Hokage he would gain the village's acknowledgement. That was his dream: to be acknowledged as a person by the village... but now..."

"He can't be tha Hokage... why's that?"

"You saw those marks on his back, correct?" Dell gave a short nod, and Sarutobi sat down next to him. "Well, that specific sealing array locks up all the tenketsu, which are the release points of chakra. Chakra flows from the tenketsu, and we use them for our shinobi techniques. However, with his tenketsu completely locked, he can't do anything that even an Academy student would do with ease. He has completely lost the ability to be a shinobi, much less the Hokage." Dell swore softly.

"What kind'a Devil spawn would do somethin' like that t'a lil' kid?! Ruinin' his entire life! And for _what_?! _Vengeance_?!"

"Calm down please, Engineer-san."

"...sorry. S'just... where I come from, those people'd probably already be 'n jail for child abuse... so it's hard fer me t'accept somethin' like this..." Sarutobi sighed again.

"I wish I could do something for him though..." Dell looked at his companion, confused.

"But... you're th' leader of tha village. Why wouldn't you be able ta do somethin'?"

"Stupid council, that's why..." Dell looked at the Kage closely.

"Are... are you _poutin'_?!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes y'are! You are _poutin'_!" Dell said with a smirk on his face. Sarutobi put his head in his hands in exhaustion.

"...I just have no power in the Council anymore. The Civilian side always votes against what would be good for the boy, and vice-versa for the bad things. The Shinobi side, however, ends up about fifty-fifty in most cases, so I'm barely able to keep Naruto safe from them..." Dell frowned.

"Tell me, how does one become th' Hokage in this 'ere village?" Sarutobi looked up, confused by the change in topic.

"Well... the previous Hokage usually nominates them after they show great skill, valor, and intelligence in the field."

"And I'm guessin' you've done some pretty 'mazin' stuff out there, yea?"

"Of course I have! They don't call me the _God of Shinobi _for nothing! ...of course, several other people hold that title as well, but I digress."

"So tell me: how does this _God of Shinobi_, who has defeated countless enemies 'n tha field, _quail _under this 'Civilian Council'?" Sarutobi sat there for a few seconds, processing this idea. His mouth suddenly set in a grim line, and he stood up tall.

"Engineer-san..." he began. "Go and stay with Naruto-kun while he sleeps; I have a... _pressing engagement_..." He marched down the hall.

"And where 'n Sam Hill are ya goin'?!"

"To the Council. It's time I lay down the law." With that, Sarutobi vanished in a **shunshin**. Dell started to chuckled.

"Welp, looks like our _God of Shinobi _is back in action!" He suddenly looked to the door into Naruto's room.

_'Maybe... maybe _this_ time... things will work out...' _He thought to himself as he walked through the doorway.

...

..

.

Sarutobi was practically skipping down the hallway, overjoyed by, what he thought, was the _most successful _council meeting he had been to in _ages_.

First, he started out with intimidation tactics; let them know _exactly _who's boss in this village.

Then he started reprimanding the Civilian Council. Those old fogies (not like _he _could talk) had been taking too much power away from him over the years.

Finally, he ordered his ANBU to go through a complete investigation on the affairs within the village. If a _single ryu _was out of place, he wanted to know who, what, where, when, why, and how. For a moment, he thought he saw some of the Civilians sweat a little at that decree, but only time would tell why.

So, yes; a _very _successful meeting today.

Sarutobi walked into Naruto's room and shut the door quietly before sitting in the chair next to Dell's.

"Any change?" he asked quietly. Dell shook his head.

"Nothin'. He's just exhausted from all that he went through..."

"I know... an orphan since birth, and life hasn't been any easier on him, regardless... What about you? Do you have a family waiting for you at your home?" Dell tensed up slightly, something that did not go unnoticed by the aged shinobi.

"...ten years."

"Excuse me?"

"It's been ten years since I last saw 'em. I was... different... from tha other boys when I was growin' up(1). Sarah was my only friend as a child, and, when we got older, we realized that we loved each other as more th'n friends. So, we married, 'n within a year she was expectin' two; a girl 'n a boy."

"Does your job prevent you from seeing them?" Dell laughed hollowly, and that's when Sarutobi knew.

"Ten years ago, I was drivin' home with my wife sleepin' in the backseat, tired from th' pregnancy."

"'Driving'?"

"A car. A car's, like, a cart that could make it 'cross th' village in 'bout ten minutes. Everyone uses it where I come from, but not everyone who uses it is smart 'bout it..."

"How so?"

"Would you 'llow your soldiers to go fightin' when they're drunk? Same principle with drivin'..."

"So, someone else was driving after they got themselves drunk?" Dell sighed.

"Yeah... 'n they drove right into the side of my car... right where Sarah was sleepin'..."

"Dear Kami..." Sarutobi breathed. Dell sniffed a little, his eyes starting to water.

"'Dead upon impact', they said... I can't tell if that was a blessin' or a curse, since they weren't in any pain, but... it _hurts_... it hurts knowin' that, a week before I could'a been a father, it was all taken from me..." He snapped his fingers. "...just like that."

"I see..."

"Funny thing is, bein' a father was my one goal in life. That might'a been th' reason I married Sarah, but she wanted t'be a mother as much as I wanted t'be a father. 'N then, I lost all three of 'em, 'n I was hired by RED almost immediately after that... I haven't gotten th' chance yet..."

...

..

.

Naruto's eyes snapped open, and he shot up in bed.

"JIJI!" he yelled out.

"I'm right here, Naruto-kun." There he was, sitting in a chair with... some man...

Wait, wasn't that the guy...

"Jiji, who's that?" The Hokage chuckled.

"Straight to the point, I see. Well Naruto, this man saved your life." Naruto eyed the stranger warily.

"But who is he?" The stranger's head dipped slightly.

"Well, my name's Dell. Dell Conagher. Ya showed up in ma campsite coupl'a nights ago, and I signaled tha... what were they called 'gain? ANBU! Yeah, that's what they were..." Naruto blinked.

"You mean... you don't h-hate me?" Dell looked shocked.

"What, cute lil' kid like you?! Naw!" he started to chuckle good-naturedly, and Naruto couldn't help but crack a smile.

"T-thank you, Conagher-sama..." Dell waggled a finger playfully

"Now, now; none'a that 'Conagher-sama' business. You c'n call me Dell." Naruto grinned.

"Alright then, Dell-sama!" Dell's finger fell, and he sighed.

"Well... it's progress..."

"What's wrong, _Dell-sama_?" Dell frowned.

"Naruto..."

"Is something bothering you, _Dell-sama_?" Hiruzen suddenly had a coughing fit.

"Are you seriously-"

"Maybe I should stop, _Dell-sama_?"

"Naruto, please-"

"_Dell-sama_!"

"FISHCAKE!" Naruto gasped, and Dell grew a triumphant grin. "I knew it! That's what Naruto meant: 'fishcake'!"

"Dammit! Why don't people realize it means 'maelstrom'?!" Why do we _always _end up with the 'fishcake'?" Naruto pouted, and Dell started chuckling.

"No more 'fishcake', fer no more 'Dell-sama'; how's that sound t'you?" Naruto considered it for barely a millisecond.

"DEAL!" he cried out.

...

..

.

Dell followed the Hokage into his office, having left an hour or so after meeting Naruto. After some more small talk with the boy, Dell explained who he was and why he was here.

To say Naruto was shocked would be an understatement, but the boy took it reasonably well.

Of course, that didn't stop Naruto from asking a thousand or so questions about Dell's home...

"He's such a sweet kid once ya get t' know 'im..." Dell sighed. "How can these villagers be so goddammed blind?!"

"That's a question I ask myself everyday, Conagher-san... please, sit." Both men sat on either side of the Hokage's desk. "Now then, what were your plans for coming to the Elemental Nations in the first place?"

"Well, erm... ma boss wanted t' claim this place as his own..."

"I see..."

"Not like that! No, we had no idea this place was inhabited by people! So, they sent _me_ (god knows why) to scout out the area for 'em. Of course, this is an entirely separate civilization from ma own... I have no idea what will happen now..."

"So, you still need to report this to your superior."

"Yessir... hopefully, they'll leave y'all alone, or request an... alliance, of sorts..."

"Then I hope you won't mind if I ask something of you."

"What d'ya need, sir?"

"I was wondering... if you were willing to adopt Naruto."

...

Silence.

"U-um, t-that's a t-tall order, s-s-sir..." Dell stuttered out.

"I know, I know it is... but I have no alternative! He can't very well stay here with a missing hand and no chakra!" Dell sighed.

"Even if _your _country would 'llow it, what makes you think _mine _would?!"

"That will be part of our... alliance."

"But, we don't even know if there's even gonna _be _an alliance!"

"Dell, stop thinking about all the technicalities of this for a moment, and tell me: do you want to adopt Naruto?" Dell stared for a few seconds.

"I... I do. I really do. He's a sweet kid, he's got a spark t'im, and... I can relate t'im, in a way..."

"How so?" Dell took a deep breath, and pulled off his glove to reveal a metal hand. "...dear Kami..."

"Yeh... I lost ma hand in an accident, so I made a new one... Works perfectly, if I may say so ma'self."

"So, Naruto could, in theory-"

"Get a new hand? 'Course he could! I'll make it ma'self!" Sarutobi smiled wide.

"So, you _are _adopting him?" Dell blinked.

"...I reckon I am."

...

..

.

Naruto stared at Dell in shock.

"Y-you want to... _adopt me_?!" Dell smiled warmly.

"Yessir."

"B-b-but _why_?!"

"Why not?"

"Because-... because..." Dell put a hand on Naruto's shoulder.

"Yer selling yerrself short, kid... don't think like them villagers, 'cuz they're wrong." Naruto sniffed.

"You just met me, though..."

"And you just met me. Yet, ya haven't once said ya don't wanna do this." Naruto's eyes started to water.

"You... you really want to adopt me?" he asked once more. Dell tilted the blonde's head up until they were looking each other dead in the eyes.

"...I do." Dell ended up on his knees, with Naruto hugging him around the neck, sobbing.

"I-I have a d-dad..." He suddenly looked out the window. "YOU HEAR THAT, KONOHA?! I HAVE A TOU-SAN!"

"...and I have a son." Dell whispered.

...

..

.

"Alright, Naruto, I need ya t' listen _very _carefully t' me, okay?" Naruto nodded excitedly. Dell nodded back, and pulled out a strange, red box. He put it onthe ground, pressed a few buttons, and the box started to transform into something else. "What this is, is a Teleporter." Hiruzen's pipe fell out of his mouth.

"Y-y-you've discovered instant transportation?!" Dell scoffed.

"Like y'all don't already do that!" Hiruzen contemplated that statement, then sighed after realizing Dell was correct. "Anyways, this 'ere machine 'llows us ta travel between this room, and my workplace, which happens ta be 500 miles or so east 'a here."

"Wow! So _cool_, Tou-san!" Naruto said. Dell chuckled, loving his decision more and more every second.

"Luckily, this one has back-n-forth teleportin', so we can come back 'ere whenever y'all want. Of course, this has some... drawbacks t'it." Sarutobi frowned.

"Like what?" Dell scratched at the back of his head.

"Well... the connection needs some time ta 'warm up'; if it ain't properly connected, then ya might... _lose something_... on tha way over." He shuddered at the thought of it.

"You mean..."

"Yeah, I do." Hiruzen swallowed nervously. "So, that's why I'm gonna go over first, and... explain some things t'my co-workers. Naruto; this is where I want you to pay attention, you too, Sarutobi: Once I'm over, I'mma turn this off (you'll know it's off). Once it starts turnin' back on, _you have to wait five minutes before you c'n come over, Naruto_, got it?" Naruto nodded seriously. "Good. Now, I'm gonna be gone fer a bit! See you on the other side... son." With that, Dell stepped on top of the newly-finished Teleporter. Sarutobi's eyes widened, just at the same time Dell's did.

"Oh... shit."

Dell disappeared in a flash of red light.

...

..

.

"AGH! _SHIT_!" Dell screamed. The sound echoed throughout the base, causing many RED mercenarys' heads to snap up in alarm.

"Was zhat..."

"Leetle man?"

"_Truckie_?"

"Hard-hat's back?"

"WHAT IS THAT MAGGOT SCREAMING IN PAIN ABOUT, _NOW_?!"

"Out of my way. Quickly, _dummkopfs_!"

"Mmmph-mmph!"

Medic rushed down the hall to the room with the teleporter Engineer stashed before he left on his mission from Redmond. He opened the door, and paled slightly after seeing the state the builder was in.

"Vhat on _earth _happened to your _leg_?!" Medic yelped.

It was true; Engineer's left leg was nothing but a stump from the knee down.

"T-t-t-t-teleporter." Dell got out, beginning to show signs of shock.

"_Verdammte Scheiße_!(2)" Medic cursed loudly. Dell wheezed out a short laugh.

"W-w-watch your m-mouth, s-sir..." he gasped out. Medic sighed and trained his Medigun on him. Slowly, the wound started to heal until Engineer's leg was completely normal again. Dell breathed a sigh of relief, the pain having finally receded.

"Y'know, I wish I had been employed 'ere _before _I tried ta chop ma hand off..."

"You do not like your 'Gunslinger'?"

"Not what I meant, Doc, 'n you know it..." Medic chuckled lightly, before hoisting the Engineer to his feet. He turned around to see the entire team standing behind him.

"ENGIE!" Dell had to brace himself for the onslaught of questions.

"Where were you?!

"What 'appened to ya, mate?!"

"Where did leetle man go?!"

"WHERE DID OUR SUPERIOR SEND YOU, PRIVATE?!"

"...what's up wit dat weird collar?"

"QUIET!" Dell yelled. Everyone quickly shut up, and Dell took a deep breath to calm himself.

"I c'n explain, but the Administrator needs ta know I'm back, first."

"I will go. I already know what you were up to, _mon ami_." Dell glanced over to the Spy warily.

"They told ya?" Spy chuckled.

"_Non_. But, you should remember there is not much I do not know." With that, the Frenchman cloaked himself and disappeared from the room.

"You'll be eatin' your words soon, Spah!" Dell called after him. A disembodied chuckled was his only response, and Dell involuntarily shuddered.

_'Hate it when he does that...'_

...

..

.

"...so, t'was 'round night three when things _really _kicked off. I was sittin' at camp, writin' in my journal, when, out of nowhere-" He broke off, suddenly noticing that the teleporter had started to light up. "...he did _not_." Dell said in shock as the teleporter began to send someone in. "He did _not _just do what I think he did!" A figure formed in the red light, and out popped Naruto.

"TOU-SAN!" he screamed as launched himself at Dell. He grabbed on tightly in a hug. "W-w-watashi wa anata ga k-kizutsuita to omotta! _(I-I-I thought you w-were hurt!)_" Dell quickly knelt down to hug Naruto, flicking a switch on his collar as he did so.

"Sore wa kekkōdesu, watashi no dōryō ga watashi o iyashi. _(It's fine, my co-workers healed me.)_"

*cue gasps from the other mercs*

"Herr Engineer, vhat is zhe meaning of zhis?!" Dell looked back at the doctor, stone-faced.

"Watashi wa kansha shitai_-_ ack!" He quickly flicked the switch on his collar again. "I'd appreciate it if you did not talk about my son that way."

*another round of gasps*

"V-vhat are you saying?!"

"I already said I would explain, but let me take care of something first." He turned back to Naruto, flicking the switch once more. "Watashi wa anata ga watashi wa daijōbu, anata ni korera o oku yō ni suru hitsuyō ga arimasu ka?_ (I need you to let me put these on you, okay?)_" Nartuo eyed the pieces warily, but nodded. Dell quickly switched the equipment onto Naruto and pressed the button on it. "Alrighty then! Why don'tcha introduce yerself to ma co-workers?!" Naruto gulped nervously.

"_O-Ohayo_... M-my name is Naruto." He seemed shocked that his words were different than what he intended.

"It's okay, son. That collar's translatin' your words into somethin' we all understand. Same thing with the ear hooks, it let's ya hear your language, even if we're speakin' somethin' else." Naruto's eyes grew wide as saucers.

"Wow! So _cool_, tou-san!" Scout, of course, chose this time to interject.

"What 'da heck does 'tou-san' even _mean_?!" Naruto glared (cutely) at the runner.

"It _means _tou-san!" Scout gaped stupidly.

"Ya just said 'da same thing twice, numb-nu-"

"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" Dell roared, shocking Scout into silence. "What he's _actually _calling me is 'father', in Japanese."

"He speaks Japanese? You never vent to Japan!" Dell sighed tiredly.

"His people speak a dialect almost _exactly _th' same as Japanese, with some small differences."

"Where is leetle boy from?" Heavy spoke up. Naruto pouted in annoyance.

"I'm not little!"

"He's from... where I went on ma mission."

"Not answer, leetle man."

"Tou-san isn't little either!"

"Thank you, Naruto... look, I gotta talk t'tha Administrator 'bout this, so-" Medic chose this exact moment to notice Naruto's stump of a hand.

"Vhat on _earth _happened to your arm, _kind_?!" Naruto looked as though he turned into a statue, he was so still. His eyes started to water, and he sniffed.

"B-bad people..." Dell put an arm around his son protectively, glaring at Medic as he did so.

"Like I was sayin', I'm gonna hafta tell The Administrator about ma mission and... _other things_, so just let me tell all y'all at tha same time, 'kay?" Everyone grumbled slightly, but accepted his request. "Good. Alrighty, Naruto..." He hoisted his son up onto his shoulder, so that he was giving the blonde a piggy-back ride. "...why don't we go say hello t'ma boss?" He walked out the door, Naruto giggling from his perch as he wiped away his tears, leaving several stunned mercenaries behind.

"'N all ma years workin' wit Truckie, I ain't never seen 'im act so..."

"Weird?"

"WEAK?!"

"Funny?"

"Bllrrry?"

"Mmph-hmm?"

"...happy." Sniper finished.

...

..

.

"Is The Administrator ready t'talk?" Dell asked.

"She iz... and where did zhat-"

"I'm explainin' in a sec'! Just be _patient_!" Whatever Spy had to say died in his mouth at Engineer's sudden harshness.

"...I am expecting answers."

"And y'all are gettin' them... soon." Spy nodded shortly, and returned to waiting for the monitor to turn on. The rest of the RED entered just as The Administator appeared on the screen.

"Engineer. I heard from Spy that you had returned from your mission... with a souvenir, I see." Dell swallowed nervously.

"Yes ma'am. This is Naruto, and, well... he's ma son."

Spy's cigarette almost fell out of his mouth (much to the amusement of Sniper). The Administrator, on the other hand, kept a calm demeanor.

"Adopted?"

"Yes ma'am."

"So, there was an _actual_ civilization on that landmass we discovered."

"Yes ma'am. However, their bodies are more advanced than tha rest of th' worlds'. ...let me start from when I first landed. I ended up gettin' blown off course-"

...

..

.

"...and their lifestyles all revolve around shinobi life," Dell finished. He looked around and noted, bemusedly, the completely stupefied faces of all his teammates, and the raised eyebrow of the Administrator (which was the most emotion she had shown since the day he first saw her).

"Well... that is _quite _the story, Engineer. However, why is that child with you?" He glared at her for a moment.

"His _name _is _Naruto_." Her lips twitched, whether in annoyance or amusement he could not tell.

"Fine; why is _Naruto _with you?" she reiterated.

"Why?" Dell snarled. "Trust me, ma son _will_ _not _be stayin' in that goddammed village anymore! The things he's had ta go through... I hope y'all noticed his arm?" The Administrator started to nod, then froze.

"You mean, those villagers-"

"-cut off my son's hand like he was worthless? Yes ma'am."

"But why?! What has leetle boy done to stupid peoples?!" Dell sighed.

"I... I can't talk about it now." The Administrator frowned in annoyance.

"You can, and you _will_." Dell swallowed nervously, and glanced up at Naruto, who was confused as to what his tou-san was talking about.

"No, I can't talk about it right _now_." This time, he subtly pointed at Naruto in a way that everyone could see but the boy himself. The Administrator sighed.

"Fine, I'll let it slide... _for now_. However, Engineer, what were your actual plans for Naruto _after _bringing him here?"

"Honestly? I was hopin' ta explain all this _before _bringin' him over, but I realized I bungled ma teleportin', and he did too. So, afta waitin' 'til he knew t'was safe to cross over, he came over ta make sure I was okay. 'N terms of what to do with 'im... I hadn't thought that far ahead..." he admitted sheepishly.

"It's okay, tou-san! We can talk about it now with your Kage!" The Administrator blinked, along with the rest of RED.

"She's not a Kage, Naruto..." The little boy looked confused.

"But, you're all kinda like shinobi! And the leader of shinobi is the Kage! So, she's a Kage!" Naruto declared with the logic only a child could create.

"I... I _guess _so?"

"So, what can Naruto _do_, exactly?" Dell started to speak, but froze before glaring at the woman.

"Ma'am, you are _not _sendin' Naruto int'a th' Team Fortress program." The Administrator only stared at him.

"He wants to be a shinobi? Well, that's not possible from what you told me. This is the next best thing for him, and he won't be in any _actual _danger, as you all know _so _well." Dell opened his mouth for a retort, but found there wasn't anything he could think of. "How about this: let's ask _Naruto _what he wants to do." All eyes turned to the blonde who remained seated on his perch.

"W-well... I wanted to be a Kage like jiji, 'cuz I wanted people to acknowledge me. And if I was the Hokage, then the village would have to see me as Naruto! Not some demon brat, like they call me..." The Administrator frowned.

_'Demon brat? Why would they say such a thing?'_

"...so, I want to get stronger! So that, if I was gonna go back to Konoha someday, they'd all see that I'm not just some brat; I'm Naruto Uzumaki-Conagher!" The Administrator stared down at him, though not harshly.

"I see. Engineer, I will allow your son to stay with you in the RED base..."

"Oh, thank you!"

"...provided that he is trained to become a new class someday."

"...a new class?"

"Yes. I'll leave all the... _details _up to you, on what Naruto is to do. While I do not expect him on the battlefield at his age, I want him out there soon."

"12!" Naruto suddenly shouted out. Everyone stared at him, confused. "12 is the age when ninjas graduate from the Academy as Genins; I'm gonna do the same, and join when I'm 12!"

The Administrator almost grew a smile, but remained impassive.

"You certainly have determination, I'll give you that." She quickly pretended to check her watch. "My time is up for now. I will talk to you later, Engineer, _understood_?" He quickly nodded his assent, and the screen went black.

"Well, Naruto... welcome t' tha team... I guess..." Dell said hesitantly, just now noticing the looks of apprehension on RED's faces. "What's eatin' y'all, fellas?"

"A kid. You want us to train a kid?" Scout asked skeptically. Dell's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Y'all got somethin' bad ta say 'bout _my son_?"

"Dude, it's a _kid_!" Scout argued.

"Well, this _kid _c'n very well be savin' your sorry be-hind someday!"

"Tou-san... please, don't fight with your friends over me..." All the focus returned to Naruto.

"Well, he ain't leavin' tha base anytime soon... where's 'e gonna sleep?"

"We have plenty of spare-"

"I'll sleep in tou-san's room."

"...you don't want your own room?" Dell asked his son. Naruto's mouth slowly formed an 'o' shape.

"I-I can have my own _room_?!" Dell smiled faintly.

"Of course. We got plenty 'a extras around th' base-" He broke off, due to Naruto tackle-hugging him in joy.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyuothankyouth-"

"Slow down, hoss!" Dell joked. "Now, why don't we go pick one out, 'kay?" Naruto giggled in happiness, and, after securing Naruto in another piggy-back ride, Dell quickly carried him off in search of the perfect room.

The rest of RED sat in silence, until they slowly left one-by-one.

...

..

.

Naruto crashed onto the bed, laughing in happiness over the fact that he had his own room._  
_

_'And to think, today started out so horribly!' _he thought to himself.

"You likin' it?" Dell asked, amused.

"Like it? I _love _it! I've never had a room to myself before! ...well, I had an apartment, but I was living by myself there. _Here_, I'm living with you guys, and I get my own room!" Dell smiled affectionately.

"I'm glad you're likin' it, pal." He suddenly noticed his watch. "Holy heck! It's 9:50 _already_?! Reckon' it's time for bed, Naruto..." Naruto pouted.

"Awww, but I wanted to meet the others!" Dell chuckled sheepishly.

"Hehehe, well... they're not _overly thrilled _to meet'cha just yet... I promise I'll have each of 'em introduce themselves tomorrow, 'kay? After that, we'll discuss what your role's gonna be in the Wars... which I am **not **happy about, Naruto." Naruto began to imitate his father's chuckling.

"Well, I still wanna do it, tou-san!" Dell sighed.

"I know ya do, n' that's why I'm not stoppin' ya... I just wish you'd 've put more thought inta this decision."

"Tou-san, I'll be _fine_!" Dell smiled.

"Sorry... reckon it's just a parent's nature ta worry 'bout their kid..." Dell swiftly tucked Naruto in, gave him a good-night hug, and exited the room, though not without a final 'g'night, son' before he left.

Naruto smiled wide, happy that something good finally came around in his life.

...

...

It was official...

...he couldn't sleep.

No matter _what _methods he tried, be it holding his eyes shut or counting the imaginary sheep, he _could not fall asleep_.

...maybe he could go find tou-san. He'd explain the situation, and maybe tou-san could fix it!

Yeah, that'll work!

After making it to the door, Naruto opened it ever so gently, so as to not wake anyone else who might have been sleeping at this time. Once the gap was wide enough, Naruto quietly slid out, using his few years of pranking experience and stealth practice to get by without making a sound. He turned a corner, and ended up seeing a hallway of unmarked doors. Naruto sighed in annoyance, and was about to continue looking when he noticed a thin ray of light coming from an offshoot hall. He moved forward, wondering what the light was, when he heard a voice.

"...us all what your reasoning behind bringing the boy here is." That was The Administrator; he was sure of it! But who would she be calling so late?

"Well, I didn' want t'say while Naruto was in th' room..." Tou-san?

What was going on?

Deciding to listen in, Naruto followed the source of the light, until he came to a set of doors, one of which was slightly ajar, allowing the light to exit the room.

"You've already seen his hand... or, what _used _t'be his hand... (Naruto involuntarily flinched, bringing his damaged arm closer to his chest)... but there was more to his injuries than that."

"Like what?"

"The Fuinjutsu I mentioned? The Art of Seals? Well, some devil spawn decided ta seal Naruto's back, with a fuckin', _brandin' iron_." The rest of RED, as far as he could tell amongst the cacophony of yelling, were screaming out what they thought on it.

"UN-AMERICAN!"

"That ain't right, man!"

"How dare peoples hurt leetle boy!"

"Holy _dooley_!"

"_Mon dieu_!"

"Shhck Bashtards!"

"MMMPH-HMMM!"

"_V__erdammte scheiße_!"

"Still that doesn't explain why you decided to adopt him..." The Administrator reiterated, once the yelling had died down.

"Well... I just didn' want ta see him get hurt no more!"

"_Engineer_..." came the warning.

A sigh.

"I was interested in tha idea of adoptin' him after I met 'im, but... the Hokage gave me th' incentive t' actually do it. He explained that he'd be willing to work out a treaty, but only if I adopted 'im." Naruto nearly choked.

_'Did tou-san... did he even _want _me?!'_

"There's more... The Hokage also explained the actual reasonin' behind why Naruto was targeted as th' village pariah..."

"What? Why is he attacked?" Naruto's ear involuntarily drew closer to the gap, wanting to hear 'why' _so badly_."

"...y'all remember what I said b'fore 'bout jinchuuriki?"

Silence.

"You did _not_."

RED flew into an uproar, some fearing for their safety, others calling them... well, we won't get into that. The Administrator's fearful expression was quickly removed, and she waited for the mercs to calm down enough for her to silence them without showing too much emotion...

...or, she would've, if her speakers didn't pick up on a sound. The sound of a child's crying.

"SILENCE!"

RED shut up instantly, and they all soon heard it.

"Oh dear God _no_..." Dell breathed as he ran to the door. It was too late, since, by the time he opened the door, the child had disappeared somewhere throughout the base, leaving no evidence of his spying except for a small puddle of tears. Dell whirled around, panic written all over his face.

"Find him... NOW!"

* * *

**Naruto finds out he's a jinchuuriki! He runs away to hide somewhere! I'm a cold and heartless bastard!**

**N: Yeah! You kinda are!**

**R: Even _I _will admit that was a tad overkill for the little twerp...**

**N: I'm not _short_!**

**R: Kid... you don't even reach above my stomach...**

**N: Why you...**

**KM: ENOUGH! We are not here to argue over height differences!**

**...**

**..**

**.**

**So, a quick update on the other stories. RotA and Burning Up are both about a thousand words in the third chapter. They're moving...**

**...just slowly.**

**A-n-d-s is still being worked on as well, but there's been progress. The poll has been taken down (if you don't already know that), and the results are...:**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**...not going to be shown until Chapter 19 is posted. (lol)**

**A.N. Time!:**

**(1): I'm trying to allude to the fact that Engie is, in fact, Bisexual... however, he leans almost completely Gay. That means that he could, possibly, be attracted to Sarah, and they did love each other, but that only came from years of spending time together. **

**(BTW: the fact that he's gay WILL play a part later on!)**

**(2): Google translate it yerselves, bitchez!**

**Until next time!**

**~_Kage Musha_**


	3. Of Monsters and Jinchuuriki

**KM: So... how's it goin'?**

**N: I'm still hiding.**

**R: And _I'm _still _searching_!**

**N: Look harder.**

**R: I have no idea why Engie even wanted you...**

**KM: Ouch, that was a low blow...**

**N: ...what did you just say?**

**R: You heard m- *N tackles R through a random, open doorway; a fight is heard***

**KM: *sigh*... well, I'll have to go clean this shit up. Don't worry! They'll be best friends before you know it!**

**N&amp;R: NO WE WON'T!**

**KM: Yes you will! I'm the author! Anything I say, goes! *marches out of the room to break up the fight* ...and right now, I say SHUT THE FUCK UP!**

* * *

**Do not own Naruto or TF2**

* * *

Naruto kept running.

Where to, was he running? No one knew, not even him.

It didn't matter, he just had to get away from those people.

"_Naruto_!" He heard his father yell for him somewhere in the base.

...could he even call that man a father after this?

He kept running, running until he saw a window that had been carelessly left open.

He quickly climbed out, not noticing the small box with a flashing red light...

...

..

.

_*One of the window alarms has just been triggered. I suspect that Naruto has managed to make it outside...* _The Administrator informed over the team's earpieces.

"SHIT!" Dell yelled out, as he bolted to the nearest exit.

_*Engie, dude, why are ya so worked up about this? I mean, the kid'll be fine! He'll come back in the mornin', and you can explain-* _Scout started, before Engineer cut him off.

_*Right now, he is in tha Neutral zone. If he was t' git stuck out there, or, God forbid, _BLU _gets ahold of him, he is in _danger_. He don't have a respawn chip like you n' I do! He could DIE out there, and NOTHIN' WILL BRING HIM BACK! AND I'LL BE DAMMED IF I LET MA CHILD DIE BECAUSE 'A ME AGAIN AFTER-* _The station suddenly went silent.

_*E-engie?*_

_*Just find him... please...* _The Engineer sounded close to crying.

There was a pause.

_*YOU HEARD THE TOYMAKER! GET_ _MOVING, _MAGGOTS_!_* Soldier screamed into the earpiece.

_*We will find leetle boy!*_

_*Git goin' wankas!*_

_*Mmmph-hmmm!*_

_*Let's DO IT!*_

_*..._merde_,_ _if you insist...*_

_*Fine.*_

_*What-ev's, Hardhart...*_

...

..

.

Naruto stumbled over a stray rock, but managed to keep himself upright and moving.

He needed to get away.

A cactus thorn managed to get lodged in Naruto's foot, but he pulled it out and trudged on.

He needed to hide.

He fell to the ground, and braced himself against the shoe in front of-wait...

...shoe?

Naruto slowly looked up to see the shocked face of the loudmouth from earlier, except he was wearing blue instead of red.

"When did you change your shirt?" Naruto asked, rubbing his eyes from crying.

"Dude, how the _hell _did ya get here?!" Naruto scoffed.

"Tou-san already told you all. The spinny, red 'teleporter' thingy..."

"Red?" Naruto nodded, then froze.

If tou-san was working for RED, and wore red, then this person who was wearing blue...

"I think I'm gonna introduce ya to my team, kid." The stranger said with a twisted smirk.

Naruto, thinking fast, quickly threw dirt in the man's face before bolting off in a random direction.

"Ya lil' _shit_; get back here!"d

...

..

.

"NARUTOOOO!" Dell yelled out. "NARUTO!" He stumbled over a stray bush, almost falling to his knees. "Dammit! How far could he have gotten 'n such a short time?!"

A high pitched yelp pierced the night, causing several RED heads to snap in the direction of the noise.

_*Sounded like leetle Scout...* _Heavy said.

_*Wasn't me, fatty!*_

_*Stop calling Heavy fat!*_

_*You _are, _though!*_

_*SILENCE! I will not sit here and listen to you two squabble like_ children_!_* The Administrator yelled. _*RED, make your way towards the sound's origin.*__  
_

"Ya lil' _shit_; Get back here!"

*_It's the BLU Scout!* _Sniper warned. _*I can see'im chasin' after something through m'scope! He's outside the boundaries of the map!*_

...

..

.

The BLU Scout growled angrily.

After being led outside 2Fort's boundaries, he lost the little twerp somewhere in between the boulders dotting the landscape and the crevices defining it.

Luckily, he still had his earpiece on.

_*Yo fellas! I got this kid that came from RED on the run!*_

_*Scout, if zhis is anozher one of your pranks-*_

_*IT'S NOT! Kid's got yellow hair, and he called someone on RED his 'tou-san', whatever da hell that means...*_

_*'Tou-san', eh? ...Gentlemen, zhis _enfant _just became our primary target.*_

_*Well, yeah... but, we're in ceasefire righ' now...* _the BLU Engineer reminded them.

_*Then don't use your guns. Any ozher stupid questions?* _Silence was the Spy's response. _*Then find him.*_

...

..

.

The chase for Naruto went on through the night, RED and BLU slowly converging into the middle until they ended up face to face. RED stood in a straight line, with BLU mirroring them, both teams in a silent staredown.

"Well now, what would RED be doing out on such a night as zhis?" The BLU Spy broke the silence.

"We could ask you zhe same question." RED Spy countered.

"Scout was out for a late-night jog, when he discovered something... _i__nteresting_... wandering about the battlefield. It was only natural zhat zhe rest of us came to investigate."

"I swear, if you touch _one hair on his head_-"

"What on earth are you talking about, _Monsieur _Engineer?"

"Don't play stupid with me, Spah! _Where is he_?!"

"Who is zhis 'he'? Your son?" Dell went white as a ghost, while the rest of BLU gasped.

"H-how did you-"

"I didn't; you just told me." Dell snapped, and he rushed the BLU Spy, murder clear in his eyes. He grabbed the Frenchman's collar and pulled the masked face up close to his own, so that they were staring each other dead in the eyes.

"Let's get somethin' straight, _pal_. You are gonna go back to your base, and you're gonna leave Naruto alone, or so help me God I will send ya _straight _ta Hell!" The BLU smirked.

"I think not." A knife plunged itself straight into Dell's heart. He gasped for breath, and stumbled back in pain. RED rushed forward, trying to save their comrade.

"ENGIE! YOU SICK, _COMMIE-_"

"Ve are in a ceasefire! Vhat do you sink you are _doing_?!"

"You all know as well as I zhat he-" Spy broke off, suddenly noticing the child staring at the fallen Engineer.

"T-tou-san?" the boy whispered. He slowly stumbled forward in a daze, almost as if he wasn't believing what he was seeing. _  
_

"_Ficken_..." Medic breathed. "Run. Run now!"

And everything went to hell.

...

..

.

The Administrator finally got her cameras surrounding 2Fort online. They had sat there, unused for who knows how long, so there was a bit of a slow start to rebooting them. It didn't help matters that she lost all contact to RED, due to them leaving the boundaries of 2Fort.

The first screen flashed on, showing nothing but desert.

The second showed the same, except a stray lizard wandered by.

The _third _was when things got interesting.

Explosions sounded throughout the desert, the scream of RED and BLU mercenaries accompanying them. In the midst of it all, a blur dashed back and forth, roaring in absolute fury.

"This is _just _what I need tonight..." she sighed. She quickly pressed a few buttons on her desk, which activated the extra satellite dishes she prepped for situations outside of the bases.

"Calling all mercs. Does anyone read me?"

_*Ms.- *** -strator! Naruto has- ***** -rampage after Engineer- **** -by tha BLU Spy! The boy's turned int' a- **** -and we can't git through ta him!* _RED Demo managed to respond. She didn't get everything, due to some interference, but she got the gist of it.

Naruto had gone into a jinchuuriki rampage.

"Demo, where is Engineer now?"

_*Respawn still 'as 'im, ma'am! He'll be out in aboot- **** -minutes!*_

"How long?"

_*He'll be out in-* _The signal completely cut off.

"Demo? Demo, do you read me? I repeat, do you read me?" ...Silence. "Is there _anyone _who can read me?!"

_*Madame... might I ask what zhe _hell _is going on?!* _It was the BLU Spy, this time.

"You tell me, I don't have cameras outside 2Fort that are showing me anything relevant to our current situation."

_*Zhat boy... he saw me stab zhe Engineer, and he-*_

"I hope you remember you were in ceasefire, correct?"

_*Of course I know zhat! All I knew was zhat zhe boy was valuable to RED, so BLU could have use for him in zhat regard! And you know _exactly _how we Spies operate...*_

"...I'll let it slide this once. Do it again, with or without a valid reason, and you _will _be replaced."

_*...I'm razzer surprised we are having zhis discussion at zhis moment...*_

"_I _have the time for it. Now, _what_. _Is_. _Happening_?"

_*I DON'T KNOW! Zhat boy watched me stab zhe Engineer, and zhere was zhis energy exuding from him. It looked like Medic's Medi-gun, but it felt... wrong. Like it was sickening...*_

"Alright, listen to me. Gather BLU and bring them to the emergency teleporter that leads to Dustbowl. You need to leave 2Fort _as soon as possible_, do you understand?"

_*Oui, madame, but...*_

"No argument. I will do my best to explain what is happening at a... later date... but you must evacuate immediately."

_*Understood.* _The connection ceased. She sighed heavily, and put her head in her hands.

_*Administrator, what's goin' on out there?* _She snapped to attention, and quickly called back.

"Engineer, are you out of Respawn?"

_*Yes, ma'am. Goddang Spy tried ta stab me while I was-*_

"I know what happened to you already. Now listen to me, Naruto has gone on a rampage after seeing you die in front of him."

_*...fuck.*_

"My thoughts exactly. I've ordered BLU to evacuate immediately, seeing as they were the source of the problem. I need you to inform any of your team leaving Respawn that they are to use the emergency teleporter and go to Dustbowl. In light of these recent events, however, I need you to get through to Naruto."

_*I understand. However, I'll need Spy ta git someone fer me...*_

_*I heard my name. How may I be of assistance?*_

_*Spy, head down t' tha teleporter I came out of earlier today; ya know, the one I used t'git home? I'll need ya t' use it and go find tha Hokage. Before ya leave, take the collar 'n ear attachments on ma workbench; that'll give ya the means t' communicate with 'em."_

_*Understood. And, just so I know I'm talking to the right person, what does the Hokage look like?*_

_*Trust me, you'll know when ya see 'im...*_

...

..

.

The teleporter ceased it's spinning, and Spy stepped off the platform lightly, only to find a knife in his face.

"Who are you?!" The old man holding said knife demanded angrily. "Why are you here?!"

"_Monsieur _Conagher sent me," Spy replied evenly, showing not a ounce of fear. The knife slowly lowered.

"And why is it so important that he'd send someone else?" Spy's mouth twitched into the smallest grimace.

"Well... he told me to tell you zhat Naruto has... well..." The Hokage's face lost all color.

"Dear Kami, _no_..."

...

..

.

"NARUTO!" Dell screamed. A head snapped into his direction, the eyes that once belonged to a young boy burning into the RED's soul. "PLEASE, STOP THIS!"

Naruto had transformed into something from a nightmare. Fox ears sprouted from his head, along with four tails out of his back, everything pulsing with an red glow. That wouldn't have been so bad, if his skin wasn't a red and black, pulsing pattern._  
_

Naruto roared in fury, not recognizing Dell for some reason. Red and blue balls of some sort of energy, which Dell assumed to be chakra, started seeping out of Naruto's pores and floated away. Naruto opened his jaws wide, and the balls quickly converged in front of it, turning into one larger, purple sphere. The ball began to shrink and, randomly, Naruto's mouth opened wide and engulfed the ball completely. His cheeks suddenly puffed up, and, opening his mouth wide, fired a beam of pure energy

**"BIJUU-DAMA!"**

"Oh... that ain't good..." Dell mumbled as sure death sailed towards him.

"UGOKU! _(MOVE!)_" A figure appeared out of nowhere in front of him, wielding a strange staff. The staff was spun at a high speed, comparable to helicopter blades, which managed to reflect and divert the ray into the sky above, where it exploded. When the resulting dust cloud disappeared, Dell realized his savior was none other than the Hokage.

"Anata wa nani o kangaete ita, jinoyōni Naruto o irete taizai?! _(What were you thinking, staying put with Naruto like this?!)_" Hiruzen yelled. Dell struggled to respond.

"Makeru... eri... _(Lose... collar...)_" Hiruzen 'tsk'-ed in response, and waved his hand at Dell.

"Iku! _(Go!)_" Dell didn't move.

"Segare! _(My son!)_" Hiruzen considered just knocking the man out and tossing him away, but sighed in defeat.

"Kono soto ni taizai! _(Stay out of this!)_" Sarutobi formed a hand-seal, making four clones of himself appear. They quickly scattered into a square area surrounding Hiruzen and Naruto, and formed the Snake seal before clapping their hands.

**"Shishienjin!" **Four walls of purple energy rose up, completely trapping the two combatants within. Dell remained outside, awed by the technique. He reached forward, wanting to see what it felt like.

"Te o furenaide kudasai! _(Don't touch!)_" One of the four clones shouted from his position. Dell raised his hands defensively, and backed away slowly.

Now, it was the Bijuu's rematch with the Hokage.

...

..

.

"Naruto... if you can hear me, please... stop what you are doing. We are here, and you are safe. No one can hurt you now." Naruto roared in response, and sent two of his tails to attack. Sarutobi expertly avoided them, and got in close with Enma in his grip.

**"Sarutobi... are you sure this is the time for soft words?" **Enma asked skeptically.

"No... I guess I'm just holding onto the hope that he can break free... It's worth a shot, rather than just outright fighting him."

**"You have a point there..." **Hiruzen appeared right in front of Naruto, Enma poised to crack the boy's skull. Naruto dodged, and swiped with his claws, nearly taking off Sarutobi's arm. The two went back and forth, lunging for an attack, then dodging or deflecting the rebuke. Naruto back-flipped away from a leg strike, ending up out of Enma's length, but the Monkey King simply expanded until Naruto was eating dirt.

"GRAB HIM!" Sarutobi yelled out. Enma quickly release his **True ****Henge**, after shrinking himself to Naruto's location, and grappled the rampaging jinchuuriki so that the boy's chest was exposed to Hiruzen. The Hokage's fingers on his right hand lit up with a purple fire, and he rushed forward before planting them into the boy's original sealing matrix.**  
**

**"Gogyō Fūin!" **Sarutobi cried, his fingers arranged into a pentagram. Naruto stiffened, his body racking in pain, before the cloak slowly dissipated leaving an exhausted Naruto in the arms of the monkey.

"Ji...ji..." Naruto whispered, before passing out.

"NARUTO!" Dell cried from outside the barrier.

"Kai!" Sarutobi cried, releasing his four clones and the barrier at the same time. Dell immediately ran forward to take Naruto from Enma.

"Musuko... daijōbu? (_Son... okay?)_" Dell asked worriedly. Sarutobi nodded as Enma returned to the Summons' Dimension. "Yoi...kuru. _(Good... come.)_"

"Dokoikuno? _(Where are we going?)_" Hiruzen asked.

"...Mitsuke ru... chīmu... _(...Find... team...)_(1)"

...

..

.

The Administrator sighed in relief, seeing that the newcomer (who she assumed was the Hokage) was able to quell Naruto's rampage.

Of course, now that he was here, perhaps an alliance was coming sooner than expected...

...

..

.

Dell ran into his workshop, at speeds that almost lost the Hokage in the father's desperation. Dell hurried to a red button attached to the wall, and slammed it into activation. A secret door opened in the corner, revealing a small room with a teleporter. Dell turned on his comm.

"Testing... testing... RED, do you read? This is RED Engineer, I repeat, do you read?"

_*ENGIE! WHAT DA HELL HAPPENED TO YA, MAN?!* _Scout's obnoxious voice blared into Dell's skull.

"Nice t'... hear from ya too, boy... Now, where's Medic at?"

_*Right here, Herr Engineer. Tell me, what is the status at 2Fort?*_

"Spy managed t' pull through, and bring th' Hokage over t' stop Naruto."

"You say zhat like you expected different." Dell whirled around to see Spy de-Cloaking right beside the Hokage, who hadn't even flinched. "..._intéressant_..." Spy noted.

"He's a shinobi; I'll bet he's had countless people do that t'im on a daily basis..." Dell reminded him. "Now then, Doc, Naruto's in bad shape, so be prepared ta take him."

_*Understood. I vill be avaiting your arrival.* _Cutting the connection to Medic, Dell looked pointedly at Spy.

"Ah, yes." Spy quickly removed his interpreters, and handed them to Dell, who handed them to the Hokage.

"Haku. _(Wear.)_" Dell requested, to which the elder complied without argument.

"Eh-hem. Is this working?" Sarutobi asked. Dell gave him a thumbs-up.

"Workin' perfectly, sir! Now then, our team has already gone on ahead, so we're playin' catch-up. You two go on ahead with Naruto; I've got one last thing ta take care of..." Both men nodded, and, after handing Naruto to the Fire Shadow(2), they vanished in a flash of red. Dell turned to see another teleporter, glowing as it spun automatically.

"Can't leave tha Hokage without a way home..." Dell muttered as he condensed the machine.

...

..

.

"How's he doin', Doc?" Medic sighed.

"Whatever he vas doing out zhere... vas _not good_. Zhe form he took, zhat... energy surrounding him, it put his body in a constant state of injury."

"You mean, he was dyin'?!"

"No! No, his body vas constantly being damaged by zhe energy, but it vould heal zhe injury at zhe same time. It vas in a cycle of damage and reconstruction."

",,,what's the 'bad part' 'n all of this?"

"I'm _getting _to zhat, Herr Engineer..." Medic replied, annoyed. "Now zhen, do you know how your body heals injuries on it's own?" Dell was stumped for a moment.

"The cells divide themselves." Both men turned to face the Hokage, shock clear on their faces. "What? We may not be as technologically advanced, but we _do _know basic biology!" Medic cleared his throat.

"Yes, anyvays, cells divide to heal injuries. Zhey also divide while growing up, allowing zhe body to grow vith the extra cells. However, cells do not just divide forever; zhere is a certain number of times a single cell may divide during a person's life. If a cell is forced to multiply twice in a day, instead of the usual once a day, that cell has just lost a day of it's entire lifespan."

"So, what you're saying, is that Naruto's entire lifespan..."

"-Has been shortened, yes."

"Any ideas?" Medic thought for a moment.

"Vell... he vasn't in zhat form for very long, but all zhe cells were dividing..." He walked over to a chalkboard set up in the Infirmary, and starting writing out calculations. "...seven years old...constant regrowth...about an hour...Körpermasse ist... I'd say he lost about five years of his life." Dell blinked.

"...is that all?"

"Yes, zhat is all." Dell breathed a sigh of relief.

"Whoo! With the way y'all were carryin' on, I thought he wouldn't live ta see twenty!" Medic pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

"You do not understand zhe gravity of the situation, Herr Engineer!" Medic raised his voice. "_One hour_ in zhat form, and he lost _five years of his life_. If he vas to do it again, Naruto vould probably only live to be eighty. If he did it for three hours, he'd live to seventy. _Five hours_, and Naruto would not pass sixty years of age. ...need I continue?" Dell swallowed.

"Naw, I... I think ya made yer point..."

"Ve must prevent Naruto from accessing zhat energy for anyting ozzer zhan zhe most _dire _of emergencies, and even _zhat _should be discouraged!" Dell frowned sadly, and looked over at the still-sleeping form of his son.

"Other th'n that, how's Naruto holdin' up?"

"He's perfectly healthy... and I _don't GET IT!_" Medic suddenly roared. "Nothing zhat he vent through would put zhe necessary strain on him to leave him in zhis small coma!"

"Actually, I believe I know what's wrong here..." Hiruzen interrupted. "...he has a case of Chakra Overload(3)." Dell scratched his head, while Medic looked rather confused.

"'Chakra Overload'? Is it like Chakra Exhaustion?" Hiruzen nodded.

"Slightly. Think of it as the opposite, where, instead of the body not having enough chakra, it has too much in it. Right now, with his tenketsu locked up, that chakra cloak was seen just underneath his skin, visible from the outside, but unable to escape. Honestly... I still don't understand how he was able to perform the **Bijuu Dama **that I saved you from, Dell, but that doesn't matter. Right now, his body is filled to the brim with chakra, and there is no way for it to escape."

"So, what do we do?" Hiruzen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I don't know... there is no record of this happening before in the history of the Nations... Hopefully, his body will slowly absorb the chakra, but that could take awhile. The only other hope is that Kyuubi will do something, but that's a slim chance..." His face seemed to age the more he stared at Naruto's prone body.

"...all we can do is wait."

...

..

.

During this interesting conversation between the three men, Naruto was having an adventure, of sorts.

He had woken up to find he was in a sewer... yes, he had experience with sewers before; let's not delve too deep into it, shall we?

Anyways, this sewer was weird, because it had this dark red tint to it, and the pipes running through it were all glowing blue.

All except one. The weird one was glowing red. It also looked to be ready to burst open, from the sheer pressure of... whatever was inside of it.

He had nothing better to do, so he decided to follow the weird pipe, to see where it would take him.

(Skipping past Naruto's lengthy and rather boring trek through the sewers)

He came to a room that was looked big enough to fit all of Konoha inside of it, and have room for another Hidden Village. At the back, however, was the most interesting part of it.

There was a set of large bars, stretching from the floor to the ceiling.

It looked like a jail.

Naruto, in all his infinite wisdom, decided to walk right up to the bars and peek inside.

"HellOOOOOOO!" Naruto called to the inside of the cage. The was a shuffling sound from deep within.

**"Foolish ningen..." **a deep baritone muttered. Naruto's hair stood up on end, and he hightailed it away from the cage.

Lucky that he did, because a clawed hand smashed the ground where he was standing previously.

"The hell was that for?!" Naruto demanded.

**"You woke me from my nap, you brat!" **the voice roared. A figure slowly walked it's way into the light, to reveal the Kyuubi no Kitsune.

"You..." Naruto breathed. The fox smirked.

**"Yes... you seem to know who I am."**

"You're the Kyuubi!"

**"What gave it away, hmmm? The fact that I'm a giant fox? Or that I have nine tails?"** came the sarcastic reply. Naruto's eyes quickly wandered to see... yup, nine tails waving about lazily behind the monster.

"So... I guess you've been here for a while, huh?" Naruto asked, sitting down cross-legged. Kyuubi scoffed.

**"Why do you care? It's not like you'd ever release me." **Naruto frowned in anger.

"Of course I wouldn't! You would destroy my new friends!" The fox quirked an eyebrow in amusement.

**"'New friends'? Well, this is _quite _the development, isn't it?"**

"So don't get any ideas on escaping! You're staying right here!"

**"'Escaping'? Why would I do that, when I can simply overload you with my chakra?" **Naruto tilted his head in confusement.

"What?"

**"Oh, you didn't know? Well, you were drawing quite a bit of my chakra out a few minutes ago. Whether or not you already killed your friends... that remains to be seen."**

"Y-you made me attack them?" The Kyuubi let out a snarl.

**"_I _did nothing! You were the one who decided to steal my chakra from me! It's all _your FAULT_!"**

"SHUT UP! I'D NEVER HURT TOU-SAN!" The fox frowned, confused.

**"'Tou-san'? But... I killed your father..." **Instantly, Naruto was on top of Kyuubi's snout, staring at him in the eyes.

"You know who my father is?" A paw came down to slap away Naruto, who flew almost to the end of the room.

**"Little pest... Even if I _did_, why would I tell?"** A smirk grew on his face. **"A kistune likes his secrets." **Naruto huffed, annoyed, as he picked himself up. Surprisingly, he wasn't injured at all.

"Fine. I'll just figure it out myself."

**"As much as I'd like to continue this _wonderful _conversation... we have a problem."**

"What is it?"

**"Tell me, has anything happened to you recently that would prevent my chakra from escaping your body?"**

"Other than your jail?" A snarl.

**"Don't toy with me, ningen!" **Naruto struck a thinking pose.

"Ummm... well, someone sealed me so that I couldn't use chakra again. Is that it?" Kyuubi froze. "Um, Kyuubi?"

**"How did they seal you?" **came the quite reply. Naruto, in response, pulled off his shirt and showed his back to the fox. **"This... this is _beyond _despicable... I can't even fathom what soul would attempt branding a seal into a person..."**

"Well, fathom away, fox. This is what happens." Kyuubi hummed as he thought.

**"Well, this is the cause right here. Apparently, this seals up all the tenketsu in your body. My chakra isn't leaving, because it has no place to go."**

"Can you bring it all back in to you?"

**"I can try... but why bother?" **Naruto face-vaulted.

"WHAT?!"

**"It'll be more fun to see you suffer! BWAHAHAHA!" **Kyuubi roared with laughter. Naruto growled in fury.

And, of course, things took a sour turn.

Kyuubi's eyes opened slightly during his hysterics, and he immediately shut up.

**"Uh, kid?"**

"_What?_" Naruto snarled out.

**"You have some... interesting new features." **He motioned with his claw for Naruto to turn his head. Naruto's head slowly swiveled until he was looking right behind him.

"WHAT THE-"

...

..

.

"-FUCK IS HAPPENING TO HIM?!" Dell yelled. All three men stared in shock as three, fluffy, fox tails grew out of Naruto's tail-bone.

"Is zhis a side-effect of the demon's chakra inside of him?!" Medic asked. Hiruzen could only shake his head in wonder.

"I... I have no idea..."

...

..

.

Kyuubi went into another bout of laughter as he watched Naruto freak out over his new appendages.

Naruto, meanwhile, had declared this (officially) as the worst day of his life.

...

..

.

_(Three Days Later...)_

Naruto's eyes opened slowly to see Dell sitting on a chair next to whatever bed he was laying on.

"Tou-sa-" Naruto broke off, remembering Dell's words from that night.

Dell, meanwhile, perked up the moment he heard Naruto's voice.

"Naruto! You're awake!"

"Yeah... what happened while I was out?" Dell grimaced slightly.

"Ah, well... you have, erm..."

"Oh, yeah. _Those_." Dell seemed surprised.

"You knew already?"

"Yeah... sprouted out of my back while I was talking with the fox. Gave me a huge-"

"You were talking with the _Kyuubi_?!" Dell demanded. Naruto's eyes narrowed.

"Yeah. _The Kyuubi_." Dell flinched at the venom in the child's voice.

"A-are you-"

"I just have one question for you." Dell steeled himself.

"Okay, shoot."

"Did you _even WANT ME?! _OR WAS THAT ANOTHER AGREEMENT IN YOUR 'ALLIANCE'?!" Dell sat there, slack-jawed, as he processed Naruto's question.

"Wh-what?"

"I heard you that night; saying how you adopted me after Jiji told you to! Did you. Even. Want me?"

"Of course I did! Ma _entire life_, I dreamed 'a havin' children of ma own! After ma wife died... well, I was immediately taken in by RED, so there wasn' time for me t' find someone else, or adopt a child of ma own. And then you jus'... showed up, righ' out'a th' blue. And then, I met you and you were just so kind 'n I saw all the bad things they did t'ya and I wanted t' get you away from that place... by any means necessary. When your Hokage offered me th' chance t' adopt'ya, it was like a second chance fer me. You were _the best _decision I made in all ma life." Naruto's eyes started watering, and he sniffled.

"I-I'm sorry, tou-san! It's just-" Dell quickly drew the boy in for a hug.

"You have nothin' t'be sorry for. _I'm _the one who should be sorry... I should've told you-"

"No. You... you were trying to protect me." Dell let out a small chuckle.

"'N here we are, tryin' t' apologize while the other won't let us." Naruto joined in on the laughter.

...

..

.

"So... you met the Kyuubi." Hiruzen stated. Naruto nodded slowly. "And... you grew three tails." Naruto pouted, but nodded again. "...did the Kyuubi explain why you grew tails?"

"Well... he said it was like getting fat." Sarutobi, Dell, and Medic face-vaulted. "More like, my body is compensating for the extra chakra. The three tails gives the extra chakra someplace to disperse to." Naruto sighed. "He also said that the tails aren't going away anytime soon; I can't release any chakra, and he's not gonna try to take it back in. If I ever drew on his power again, I'd most likely go into a coma in a best-case scenario..."

"And... in a worst-case scenario?" Hiruzen asked hesitantly.

"I'd die."

"The good news is that is no longer the case." Naruto tilted his head in confusion.

"How so?"

"The seal I used to stop you, the **Gogyō Fūin**, will prevent you from accessing his chakra anymore. I was hoping that you would also no longer be able to contact the fox, but I guess I didn't apply enough chakra to it..." Hiruzen mused. "In any case, you're healthy and safe. That's what's important here." Naruto nodded, grinning all the while. "I believe I shall take my leave; the village won't run itself!" He chuckled at his own joke, and stepped on the nearby teleporter before vanishing in a flash of light. Naruto suddenly remembered something.

"WAITAMINUTE! I saw you die! Why are you still alive?!" Naruto accused, pointing a finger at Dell. Dell blinked.

"Didn't I explain Respawn to ya?" Naruto slowly shook his head 'no'. "Oh. Well, our job requires that we remain... breathing... throughout the remainder of our contract."

"Meaning..." Dell simply pulled out a pistol and shot Medic right in the skull, who fell to the floor stone-dead. Naruto yelped in shock, and scooted away from his adoptive father.

"Vat the _hell _vas zhat for?!" Medic demanded, storming back into the room from the hallway. Naruto's eyes widened, looking back and forth between the spot where Medic's corpse was laying, and the living, breathing Medic standing right in front of him.

"We literally can't die out there." Naruto's eyes grew wide. "And soon, you won't be able to die either."

"W-what?!"

"I ain't lettin' you out there until I'm sure you're ready! That includes makin' sure you're hooked up t' tha Respawn!" Dell stated, in a 'father-voice'.

"Alright... so, when do I get to meet your team?!" Naruto asked excitedly.

"Vell, ve can start. _Guten Tag_, I am zhe Medic of this team, and you vill call me 'Medic'." Naruto nodded.

"Alright... nice to meet you, Mr. Medic!" Naruto smiled widely, and Medic couldn't help a small grin himself. Naruto hopped off the cot, and stretched his arms. "Tou-san, I'm gonna go explore, okay? I wanna see the base!" Dell hesitated for a moment.

"Just... don't go outside, 'kay? And if any of th' others bother you..." Here, he pulled a wrench out of nowhere and smacked his hand with it threateningly. "...you let me know, alright?" Naruto nodded happily, before dashing out of the room. Dell sighed happily as he stared at the door Naruto went through.

"Don't even think about experimentin' on him, ya hear?" Dell warned amicably.

"Trust me, I vouldn't _dream _of such a thing."

...

..

.

Naruto smiled to himself as he wandered the halls.

So far, he met five of the others: Heavy, Pyro, Demo, Soldier, and Sniper.

Heavy was really nice to him, and was fun to be around. He noticed Heavy was having trouble speaking the language, and asked why his tou-san didn't offer him a translator.

"Oh, Leetle Engie _did_! Didn't fit Heavy's neck, though..." Naruto laughed at that, and Heavy couldn't help but join in.

Demo was also really nice... except he seemed to always be drunk. Naruto was talking with the man, when he just passed out right in front of the boy.

That was when he met Sniper.

"Ummm, does he do this often?" Naruto asked as the hatted man walked by. Sniper glanced down at the passed out drunk, and nodded.

"It's a cycle; he'll get up in tha morning, get drunk, 'n do it all over 'gain."

Naruto quickly introduced himself to the man after that. Sniper was okay to Naruto, just a little quieter than the others. Still, he seemed likable, so Naruto planned on getting the Sniper out of his little shell.

Pyro was next. The person was... a mystery. He had no idea if it was a guy or a girl, and they acted rather immature for their age. Of course, Naruto seemed to have found himself a new best friend, and they quickly made plans to play together sometime.

Finally, was Soldier. Naruto was quickly put into interrogation on what he liked about America, but, unfortunately, he had no idea what an 'America' was.

Then Soldier started ranting about how Naruto was a Japanese Commie (whatever the hell _that _meant), and threatened him to _never _attack his team again.

"I never wanted to attack you in the first place!" Naruto argued. "That blue guy in the mask killed my father in front of me!"

"EXCUSES!" Soldier roared back. "I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU, MAGGOT!" With that, the helmeted man marched off, leaving a stunned and confused Naruto behind.

So, other than that last bit, he had a good time so-

Naruto fell to the ground, after running into something that he couldn't see.

"Ah, forgive me _enfant_." Naruto watched, amazed, as a man in a red mask appeared out of thin air.

"Wow! How did you do that?!" Naruto asked excitedly.

"Zhat would be telling, wouldn't it?" he replied amusedly. Naruto pouted.

"Fine, be that way..." He perked up suddenly, and bowed to the man. "My name is Naruto! What's yours? Or, well, your class title?" The man smirked slightly.

"I am zhe Spy. I have to admit zhat I am razzer... _interested _in you." Naruto looked at the man warily._  
_

"Really?" Spy nodded.

"You come from a place zhat was off zhe map for centuries. You have zhat strange _chakra _inside of you. And, you are zhe jailor of a demon." Naruto shivered slightly.

"Don't remind me..."

"Where are your tails?" Naruto was shocked. Hadn't he been hiding them this entire time? How could Spy- "It's my job to know zhe little things that go on in zhis base. Don't think you won't be studied; zhe Administrator wants _details_." Naruto frowned.

"So, you were in there the entire time? And you saw everything?" Spy chuckled.

"But of course! It's my job."

"So, why haven't you told the others?"

"Because I understand zhat you will be part of zhis team someday. I would razzer my colleagues trust you, zhan have zhem against you. Just remember: you cannot hide zhis forever."

"I know _that_! I just don't think it would be smart for them to meet me while I've got three tails sticking out of my back!" Spy considered this, then smirked again.

"You are a very interesting child... I shall take my leave, as we have an audience." Naruto's stomach dropped. As the Spy vanished yet again, Naruto slowly turned to see the loudmouth standing behind him, shocked.

"Tails?!" Naruot sighed, and pulled up his shirt so that his tails were floating behind him.

"Yeah... side effect from what happened that night..." The runner snorted.

"What a joke... can't believe the Admin just let'cha walk right in'ta the team." He sauntered forward, swagger evident in his walk, until he was looking down at Naruto. "Let's get somethin' straight, pal: you're nothin' on this team. You're a joke. Hardhat 'n the others don't see it, but I do: you're just a useless _runt_." Naruto remained stone-faced, keeping the man from seeing any emotion. "The name's Scout, squirt." Scout said as he walked away cockily. "And I'll make sure your trainin is _hell _tomorrow."

Naruto was alone in the middle of the hall.

He sniffed slightly, and rubbed his eyes free of tears. He quickly searched the base until he found the person he was looking for.

"Pyro... do you think we could go play now?"

* * *

**N: Sooo... we're friends now?**

**P: I... guess?**

**KM: Yes. Yes you are.**

**N: Why?**

**KM: 'Cuz it's ADORABLE!**

**P: I am a goddammed mercenary! I'm not 'adorable'!**

**KM: Yes. Yes you are.**

**AN Time:**

**(1): Remember, Dell remembers _very little _of his Japanese. I'm actually surprised he knew this much...**

**(2): Literal translation**

**(3): Not sure if this is an actual thing in 'Naruto', but I thought it makes sense with Naruto's current... status**

**(4): Wait... did I have a fourth AN in this? ...I can't find it, and I'm running out of time...**

**In other news, I'm going to be posting a poll soon on what Naruto's class name should be! I already have the weapons, so don't bother... It'll be on my forum (which you can find by going to my Bio page), so VOTE VOTE VOTE**

**Until next chapter!**

**~ _Kage Musha_**


	4. Building Bonds (and Hands)

**Sooo... I'm suddenly on a roll with this story...**

**I don't know when I'll start my other stories back up again...**

**R: Who cares?! I'm playing with Naruto now!**

**KM: Ummm... pretty much everyone who likes the other stories.**

**R: So? They can deal!**

**KM: Riiight... anyways, RotA is getting close to having the 3rd Chapter uploaded (YAAAYYYY!), but Burning Up is having some... difficulties...**

**R: And, just as a reminder, Kage doesn't own me, or Naruto, or the TF2 franchise.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Naruto jumped about a foot in the air, and punched at the stranger at the side of his bed.

"Naruto! It's me, take it easy!" Naruto's eyes went wide, and he stared at his adoptive father in shock.

"T-tou-san?" Dell nodded slowly.

"It's me, Naruto. You're okay, you're safe." Naruto's eyes began to water, and he quickly hugged his father, sobbing out apology after apology. "Naruto... you have nothin' t' 'pologize for. I should'a knocked first..." Naruto nodded hesitantly, and sat back down on his bed with a sniffle.

"I-I just... I have trouble sleeping... They've come into my apartment once or twice, and I had to fight them off before the ANBU could rescue me. I haven't slept good for about a year, now..." Dell worked hard to keep a calm face, but his temple was starting to twitch.

"I promise, if you ever see any 'a those varmints again, you let me know and they'll regret ever steppin' foot in yer apartment." Naruto's mouth twitched into a smile.

"Don't worry... Jiji already took care of them. He explained it as, 'They obviously don't know how to treat children properly, so I removed their privilege of having any.'" Dell blinked, and he quickly covered his mouth to keep from laughing.

"Well, pardner, looks like you 'n I are going out t'day!" Dell exclaimed excitedly.

"Really? What are we doing?!" Naruto asked.

"We're gonna get you some new clothes, and some new furniture. All of us add somethin' to our rooms t' make 'em more cozy, so we're doin' tha same fer you!" Naruto's happy face slowly morphed into sadness.

"They won't sell to me. No one ever did." Dell scoffed.

"What? Y'think I'm crazy enough t' bring ya back t' Konoha?! Naw! We're going shoppin' in _my _country!" Naruto's face brightened back up.

"Will... will they sell to us?"

"'Course they would! Not like they'll know ya or anythin'. We're gonna have fun today, 'kay?" Naruto nodded enthusiastically, and quickly pulled on one of his (still clean and in one piece) jumpsuits. Dell looked at it for a moment, and grimaced. "Erm... do ya normally wear a target on yer back?" Naruto blinked, and quickly looked over his shoulder. "Naw, son!" Dell laughed. "That jumpsuit is screamin' 'Kill me!'" Naruto pouted.

"Orange is cool!" Naruto argued. "Don't diss the orange!" Dell raised his hands in surrender.

"I'm not gonna make ya stop wearin' it, just... wear _less_. Can ya do that fer me?" Naruto considered his offer, and sighed.

"Alright, Tou-san..."

"Great! Now, let's get you ready for our big day, okay?"

...

..

.

Naruto fell out of the teleporter, eyes spinning as he fell on his butt. Dell, who appeared a moment later, laughed at Naruto's predicament.

"Still ain't used t' teleportin', huh?" he asked amid his chuckles. Naruto shook his head to clear it of the dizziness.

"It's weird, spinning around like that..." Naruto justified. Dell picked him up and set him on his shoulders, and looked up at him.

"Yer tails are still hidden?" Dell asked. Naruto nodded in confirmation, and Dell stepped out of the tiny room they were in. "Uh, Tou-san... where are we?" Dell grinned.

"This is what we call, a 'mall'. Imagine it as a building filled with nothing but shops." Naruto's eyes were wide as he took in his surroundings.

"What are all those glowy things on top of the doors?" Dell's smile faltered for a second.

"Well, those are signs for the store name. They're in my language... so I guess my next step is to start teaching you how to speak English." Naruto frowned.

"Ugh... teaching?" Dell chuckled for a moment.

"Not a fan of the classroom, eh?"

"Yeah... I haven't had a good time with learning..." Dell scowled for a moment.

"Well, it'll be me teaching you, so don't worry. Now then, on to furniture!" Dell cried, pointing a finger in the air adventurously. Naruto yelled in happiness, copying his father, and the two quickly made their way to their goal.

...

...

"So, these will be shipped to this address, sir?" Dell nodded.

"Yes ma'am." The sales clerk was hesitant.

"I hope you realize this is located in Kenya(1), yes?" Dell nodded again.

"Call it a... winter address."

...

...

"No, Naruto."

"Wha- Why not?!" Dell gave him a 'Are you fucking kidding me?' look.

"Orange, Naruto... _Orange_."

"But... but the shirt's got other colors in it!"

"Right now, I want you to find a shirt with no orange in it, at all. We'll move on from there." Naruto wanted to argue back at his father, but he froze when he saw the look in his eyes. Naruto instantly put the shirt back on the rack, and looked for something else. Dell watched him, worriedly.

_'Was it something I said?'_

...

...

"Alright, we got th' clothes 'n th' furniture; all we need now is some lunch!" Naruto threw his hands in the air happily.

"Woo-hoo! What are we having?!" Dell grinned.

"I'm introducin' ya to one of th' greatest foods of the world!"

"Is it ramen?! _PLEASE _tell me it's ramen!" Naruto begged. Dell blinked.

"Sorry son... I'm talking 'bout burgers!" Naruto blinked.

"It'll never be as good as ramen." Dell gaped comically.

"You've never lived if ya haven't had home-cooked burgers, fresh off tha grill!"

"You've never lived if you haven't had Teuchi-san's delicious ramen." Naruto countered. Dell scoffed.

"Tell ya what: you'll try some a what I have t' give ya, 'n I'll try some of yours... later. And I want an _honest opinion_, 'kay? Don't compare it to ramen, just tell me what ya think." Naruto pouted, but kept silent and nodded. "Good. Let's go git some grub!"

_'He ain't arguin' anymore... what's wrong with him?"_

...

...

"So... what do you think?"

"It was good... just didn't compare to Teuchi-san's ramen."

"I told ya _not _t' compare, didn't I?" Naruto nodded quickly, and Dell frowned. "Naruto..." he started, grabbing the boy's attention. "...what's wrong? You're acting like you're... afraid of me." Naruto shivered.

"I have to..."

"Why? What am I doing wrong?"

"...I don't want you to take away all the nice things you gave me today." Dell gaped.

"You're afraid... that, if you make me mad, I'll take it away?" Naruto nodded hesitantly. "If I did that, I'd hope you have a strong 'nough arm t' knock some sense int'a me!" Naruto's jaw dropped. "Listen to me when I say this: If, for some reason, I believe you needed to be punished for doing somethin' bad, I would punish you 'ccording t' what ya did. If, for example, you stole a treat b'fore dinner, I might just keep dessert away from you, or somethin' like that... ya follow?" Naruto nodded. "Now, I can't think of a single thing that'd force me to take away yer furniture, or take away yer clothes. That's why y'don't have t' act so afraid of me... 'kay?" Naruto nodded happily.

"I'm sorry tou-san!"

"You don't have anythin' t' be sorry _for_! Ya need t' stop apoligizin' so much, son!" Naruto smiled. "What?"

"Nothing... just like it when you say that..."

"What, 'stop apologizin''?" Naruto shook his head.

"'Son'."

...

..

.

Naruto stepped off the teleporter, still dizzy, but managing to stay upright. Dell hopped off a moment later, nodding at his son.

"See? You're gettin' th' hang of it already!" Naruto nodded, and they set off to his room. After putting all his clothes away, father and son sat down on the bed.

"...Naruto. There's something I want to offer you." Naruto looked at his father, intrigued.

"What is it, tou-san?" Dell pulled off the glove on his right hand, and Naruto gasped.

"This." He showed Naruto his Gunslinger, who looked at it in shock and wonder. "It's called a prosthetic limb. It acts just like a normal hand would, and it has the full range of motion. Me 'n Doc could set up a new one on yer wrist, if y' wanna?" Naruto reached for it, and gently held his father's hand.

"Is this another reason why you adopted me? Because you wanted to help?" Naruto asked. Dell smiled softly.

"In part. I also felt that I could relate to you, in a way..."

"How so?"

"You mean, outside of the fact we're both missin' a hand?" Dell and Naruto both laughed at that, before Dell sobered up. "Naw, see, when I lost ma hand... I lost ma wife 'n children at the same time..." Naruto's smile fell off his face, and he hugged his father. "Don't worry 'bout it, though. It was a long time ago, and, while I can't forget her, I moved on from 'er."

"So... what's the catch?" Naruto asked.

"Eh? Whaddya mean?"

"The metal hand can't just solve all the problems; what's the catch?" Dell sighed heavily.

"Well... obviously, it's metal, not flesh 'n blood. While we c'n hook it up t' tha nerves fer movement, you won't feel anything 'cuz it's not advanced 'nough."

"So, I can't feel pain with it?"

"No, but you can't feel _anything _with it. So... I guess, no feeling could be good or bad, dependin' on how ya look at it."

"What else?"

"Erm, well it glitches sometimes..."

"What do you mean?"

"Well... it's kinda embarassin', but a magnet c'n make the circuitry go all haywire, 'n stuff..."

"Really? Why not put a layer over the outside to... deflect the magnet, or something?" Dell blinked.

"Uhhh... because... because I already put it on ma wrist! Yeah... couldn' do a thing 'bout it..." Naruto stared at his father, unimpressed.

"You just never considered it before, didn't you?" Dell remained stoic-faced.

"Let's... let's just drop it, 'kay?"

...

..

.

Naruto wandered about the base. His father had taken the measurements of his remaining hand, so that his robotic one would be the same size and shape, and he was currently drawing on this weird, blue paper he called 'blueprints'. Naruto had never seen something like that before in his life, but he decided not to question it; he's already living with a man with a metal hand, who could teleport Naruto directly to Konoha within minutes if he asked.

"Heavy-san! I'm back with tou-san!" The giant's face brightened up as he turned to see Naruto running towards him.

"Ah, leetle Naruto! Is good to see you are back! What was Naruto up to with leetle Engie today?" Naruto pouted cutely.

"Stop calling us little! I just haven't hit my growth spurt yet..." he defended. Heavy chuckled.

"Everyone is leetle to Heavy!" Naruto opened his mouth to argue, then shut it with a thoughtful look.

"That... makes sense... What are you doing?" Heavy smiled.

"Taking care of Sasha." Naruto tilted his head in confusion.

"Who is 'Sasha'? I thought I met all of you already..." Heavy chortled.

"_Nyet_! Come, I will show you Sasha." Heavy lumbered off to his room, and Naruto quickly followed. Once they made it to the Russian's room, Heavy walked over to a table, which held a blanket covering a... something. Heavy walked over to the blanket, and pulled it off revealing to Naruto what was underneath.

"This... this is Sasha." Naruto stared at it. It was a... cylinder... attached to another cylinder, with a handle on the top and back.

"Ummm... what _is _Sasha?" Naruto asked.

"_This_... this is my weapon. She weighs 150 kilograms, and fires $200-dollar, custom-tool cartridges at 10,000 rounds per minute(2). It costs $400,000 to fire this weapon... for _twelve seconds_." He paused suddenly, staring intently at the cylinder that was sticking out in front. "...someone touched Sasha?" He ran over to his door, narrowly avoiding Naruto, and screamed out into the hallway. "WHO TOUCHED MY GUN?!"

"Ain't me, mate.

"Haven't been in yer dang room since yer gun's handle snapped off."

"I haff been practicing _medicine_!"

"Why would I touch your precious 'Sasha'?"

"I AM NOT GOING TO USE WEAPONS MADE BY _COMMIES_!"

...*zzzzzz*...

"Mmmph-hmm, hmm-huh!"

...

"SCOUT! DID YOU TOUCH SASHA?!" Heavy roared.

There was no answer, except the sound of a door slamming.

"I WILL KEEL YOU, LEETLE BABY!" Heavy roared as he ran out of his room, Naruto deciding to run follow him.

"Heavy-san?"

"Yes, leetle Naruto?"

"Are you going to go beat up Scout-baka?" Naruto asked as they ran past Demo, who was sleeping on the kitchen table.

"What is 'baka'?"

"I'm calling him an idiot, really..." Heavy barked out a short laugh.

"Fits leetle Scout perfectly!" he boomed. "But yes, Scout will be feeling pain today," he growled.

"Can I come watch?" Heavy raised an eyebrow at the child as they turned a corner.

"Why do you-"

"He was being a jerk. He said... things. I don't want to repeat them, if you don't mind..." Heavy skidded to a halt, and looked Naruto in the eyes.

"Leetle Scout insult you?" Naruto nodded. Heavy 's lip curled into a snarl, and he hoisted Naruto up onto his shoulder before running back to his room.

"Where are you going, Heavy-san?" Naruto called.

"Getting Sasha! Scout deserves pain for words to you! And you are getting... what is phrase, 'front-column seat'!" He hoisted up Sasha from the table, and headed outside to hunt for Scout.

"...what was that 'bout Scout insultin' Naruto?"

...

..

.

"LEETLE SCOUT! IS TIME FOR YOUR KEELING~!" Heavy sang as he wandered about Dustbowl. His head snapped to the right, and Sasha quickly obliterated a stray fence-post. "HEAR THAT?! THAT IS SOUND OF SASHA RIPPING THROUGH YOUR BONES!"

"So... Sasha destroys things?" Naruto asked innocently.

"Of course! Sasha keels anything Heavy shoots at!" Heavy stated proudly.

"Wow! Sasha is really cool!" Naruto said excitedly.

"Sasha is... Sasha is." He quickly fired down a mine shaft, frowning when he heard no screams of pain. "Sasha does good work in keeling enemy BLU, and Heavy makes sure to take care of Sasha at night."

"What do you mean?"

"Heavy will spend two hours and seventeen minutes cleaning Sasha. Heavy will un-dent Sasha's dents. Heavy makes sure that Sasha is in perfect condition. If Heavy didn't, Sasha might not fire. That is not good on battlefield." He cupped a hand around his mouth. "COME OUT, COME OUT, LEETLE SCOUT! SASHA WANTS TO PLAY WITH SCOUT!"

"Does Sasha play with him often?" Heavy scoffed at the question.

"Leetle Naruto has no idea..."

***Attention... Scout. I heard 'bout the little 'game' you 'n Heavy're playin'.***

"Ah, leetle Engie is talking."

"Where? Where's tou-san?" Heavy tapped his ear, showing a metal... thing inside of it.

"Talking on ear-thing. Now hush, Heavy is listening."

***Well, the rules have now changed. I've taken the liberty of turnin' off Respawn.***

***YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TA ME?!* **Scout yelled frantically. Heavy started to snort with laughter.

***How could _you _insult ma son?! 'N the best part is, I'm not turnin' it back on 'till I feel good 'n ready to. So, Heavy, if yer listenin', rip apart his guts with Sasha fer me, would'ya?***(3)

***YOU MOTHER-FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS!* **Heavy had to cover his mouth with his hand, he was laughing so hard.

***Too bad y'don know how ta work Respawn, eh, _pardner_?***

"Don't worry, leetle Engie; Scout is already in... what is phrase, 'hot liquid'." Scout literally began to sob over the radio.

***Pleasure doin' business with ya, Heavy.* **Dell clicked off the station. Heavy's ears perked up, hearing a distant scream of fear.

"SCOUT! HEAVY, SASHA, AND LEETLE NARUTO ARE COMING FOR YOU!" Heavy roared.

"Wheee!" Naruto cheered from his position on Heavy's shoulder.

About a mile or so from the two's(three, counting Sasha) position, Scout was running for his life, cursing out Naruto, Dell, and Heavy all the while.

...

...

"Leetle Naruto, Heavy must ask question."

"Sure! What's wrong?"

"Why is leetle Naruto so okay with killing at such young age?" Naruto sighed heavily.

"You probably heard about my life back in Konoha..."

"_Da_... stupid peoples hurt leetle Naruto! For no good reason!" Heavy growled.

"Well, after a while, I just... stopped caring about whether they lived or died. I began to actually enjoy seeing them die, because they caused me pain..." Heavy nodded solemnly as they continued searching.

"Heavy understands, in a way."

"What do you mean?"

"When Heavy was leetle, almost same size as Naruto, Heavy had отец, and мать, and three сестры. However, KGB took away Heavy's отец, and shot him right in front of Heavy and family." Naruto gasped in shock. "Afterwards, KGB took Heavy and family away to... camp. They forced Heavy and family to work, or Heavy and family would die. One day, Heavy saw chance to escape; Heavy took chance, and keeled many KGB along the way. Heavy was glad KGB died for keeling отец. But Heavy still wasn't... happy. Does Naruto understand?"

"I... think so. You're saying not to seek revenge."

"_Da. _Revenge gave short happiness, but Heavy and family struggled for years after. Only when Heavy was given job offer here did family start to be happy again. Family still must hide, though. KGB still looks for Heavy for keeling KGB, and family can be target."

"I wish I had as big a family as yours..." Naruto sighed. Heavy pondered that statement.

"Leetle Engie is not enough?"

"Of course tou-san is enough! He's a good tou-san! I just wish I had siblings like you did... and a kaa-san." Heavy rubbed his chin, lost in thought for a moment.

"Heavy calls leetle Engie brother-in-arms..." he murmured to himself. "...so now, Heavy is leetle Naruto's дядя! Heavy is Uncle!" Naruto's eyes shone with happiness, and he quickly wrapped his arms around the giant's neck.

"Heavy-oji!" Heavy patted Naruto's back softly, as to not knock the boy off.

"Now, let us find Scout and keel him! дядя and племянник!" Heavy cheered, Naruto joining in as they went off on the Scout Hunt.

* * *

Naruto giggled madly as Heavy carried him back into the base. Dell happened to be right by the door they walked through, and he smiled wide when he saw them.

"So, did y'all have fun? I hope Scout did!" Naruto burst into another peal of laughter, with Heavy joining in.

"_DA_! Scout paid dearly for touching Sasha, and for hurting leetle nephew's feelings!" Dell blinked.

"Yep! Heavy-oji made Scout scream when he saw us! You should have seen his face!"

"Whiter than ghost!"

"Gaping like a fish!"

"Too funny!" Heavy chortled.

"'Nephew', did I hear right?" Dell asked calmly. Naruto nodded.

"Heavy-oji called you his 'brother-in-arms', so we decided he'd be Heavy-oji! 'Cuz, you know, brothers!" Dell smiled.

"Didn't know Naruto was adoptin' siblings fer me..." Heavy boomed out a laugh, and clapped the smaller man on the back.

"Leetle Engie is funny! Would like to talk more, but Sasha _really _needs cleaning after Scout Hunt." He waved goodbye after setting Naruto back down on the ground, patting him on the head, and carrying Sasha back to his room. Dell looked down at Naruto, who was grinning wildly.

"So... 'Heavy-oji'?" Naruto's smile fell.

"You're not mad, are you?" Dell chuckled.

"'Course not! It's just funny, seeing how you're makin' yerself a family." He clapped his hands together. "Now then! Dinner's in 'bout half an hour, so I'm gonna show you ma blueprints fer yer hand!" He led Naruto down to his workshop, where the blue sheet of paper was sitting on top of a table. "Alright, it's gonna be almost an exact replica of yer old hand, minus the fact that it's metal. _But_... I added some things into it that I think ya might like..." He pulled out a second sheet, which showed a circular shape resting within the palm of the hand.

"What's that circle for?"

"One of the little upgrades to yers... Ma hand is a lil' more... _violent_, to say the least. Instead of ma own enhancements, I've made it so that a palm strike will send out an electric shock, powerful enough to stun an elephant." Naruto's eyes went wide.

"Would it kill them?" Dell chuckled.

"Maybe... that, or they'll _wish _it had killed 'em." Dell turned serious once more. "Unfortunately, it won't do it too often. The battery fer yer hand charges automatically, but the shock wipes out almost three-quarters of tha charge. Any more th'n that, and yer right hand's out'a commission. It won't be too long for it ta charge, 'bout thirty seconds, but you'll need ta save it fer emergencies, 'kay?" Naruto nodded excitedly, and Dell pulled out a third blueprint, which showed a hole in the index finger.

"Now _this _is the best part! The hole is actually the barrel of a gun in yer finger, which can shoot a tiny bullet out at a high speed. Unfortunately, you only get one bullet at a time, since there wasn't 'nough room in the circuitry fer more..."

"Ummm... tou-san?"

"What is it?"

"What... _exactly_...is a gun?" Dell stared at the boy in shock, realizing he forgot to teach Naruto the most basic part about his future job(4).

"Well dang! I forgot y'all didn' have guns in Konoha!" Naruto was suddenly yanked by the arm out of the workshop, by his father. "I guess I'll half'ta teach ya how ta shoot, first!"

...

..

.

"Hey! That's the thing you pointed at me when I first saw you!" Naruto exclaimed, causing Dell to grimace at the memory.

"Let's not... think about that, 'kay? If I accidentally pulled tha trigger... well, I don't wanna think 'bout it... ANYWAYS!" He popped a single bullet out of the shotgun's chamber, and held it up for Naruto to inspect. "This is what's called a bullet. The best way t' describe it, is this little silver bit at tha top is a really small, really fast kunai." Naruto's eyes widened at the thought.

"And... the 'gun' is a kunai launcher?"

"Pretty much." Naruto tilted his head, confused. "The bottom part of the bullet has gunpowder locked inside it. When I pull th' trigger, the powder's sparked and, well..." He pointed the shotgun at a distant target on the range, and fired. Naruto jumped as a load bang came from the 'gun', while fire blasted out of the end facing the target. The target suddenly was riddled with holes, scattered across it randomly. "The bullets in this 'ere gun are called 'scattershot'. They spread out over'a small area, but they'll cause quite a bit 'a damage."

"Wow... so, my bullets will come out of my finger?" Dell nodded.

"The irony of it is, you'll hold yer hand in th' universal sign fer gun!" Dell sniggered at his weird settings, while Naruto just stared blankly. Dell's smile faded at Naruto's look, and he shrugged. "Eh, tough crowd. C'mon! Time fer dinner!" Naruto whooped in joy as he followed Dell inside.

...

..

.

"So, where's Scout at?" Dell calmly took a sip from his cup.

"Respawn."

"Oh... how long's 'e been 'n there?"

"I'd say about two hours so far."

"So _far_? Ya put 'im in time-out or somethin'?"

"Exactly. Except, this sort'a time-out has excruciating pain every moment yer in there."

"And what _exactly _did zhe Scout do to deserve such a... punishment?" Spy asked. Dell's eyes flashed to Naruto, who was chatting happily with Heavy and Medic while they ate, for a single moment, but Spy caught it. "Ah. Remind me to never get on your bad side when it comes to zhe boy..."

"Damn straight y'all better be nice t'im!"

"Tou-san?" Dell's mood went a complete 180 from his sour attitude before.

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Don't you think Scout's been punished enough?" Dell's mouth hung open slightly, somewhat confused by Naruto's question.

"But... he insulted you! And even if you weren't ma son, that's just somethin' ya don' do to a lil' kid!"

"Yeah... but, he really didn't say much... If he does it again, then you can keep him in as long as you like. For now, though, I think he's learned his lesson." The table went quiet, save for Medic who began to laugh loudly.

"Vell now! I never thought such a young _kind_ vould think like an adult!" Naruto smiled painfully.

"Not like I had much of a choice... My childhood wasn't really appropriate for children, to say the least..." Dell sighed heavily, and got up.

"Fine. I'll be back 'n a bit." He walked out the door, heading to the Respawn chamber, then quickly stuck his head back in. "And if anyone touches ma food, they git th' same treatment as Scout." Satisfied with the threat, he left. Naruto's head slowly turned to fixate on the food-filled plate in question, and a wicked grin spread across his face.

"Someone pass me a spring, if you don't mind..."

...

...

"Don't expect me to treat 'im like a king..." Scout grumbled. Dell's grip on his shoulder tightened, which was painful considering he was using his Gunslinger hand to do so.

"I won't, but you'd best apologize fer what y'all said t'im. He's a _child_, fer Christ's sake! And he had a pretty bad childhood! The last thing he needs is fer your words t' hurt his self-esteem even more!" Scout sighed.

"Maybe... I was a little too harsh on tha kid..."

"A _little_?!" Scout raised his hands defensively.

"Okay! Okay, maybe a lot! Just... give me time t' get used t' him..." Dell sighed.

"I c'n do that. 'N if, fer some reason, ya just don't like him, that's fine. I will still expect you to treat him normally, _understood_?" Dell emphasized his words by squeezing Scout's shoulder once more, who tried to twist his way out of the (literally) iron grip.

"I GOT IT, JEEZ!" Scout yelled.

They soon approached the dining room, and Dell pushed Scout forward to face Naruto. Scout righted himself in front of the table, shuffling awkwardly at being put in the spotlight like this.

"Uh... Naruto. I just want to, erm..." he trailed off, mumbling the last few words too quietly to hear.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Naruto asked 'obliviously'.

"I'm... sorry, okay?"

"What? I can't hear you?" he rephrased, holding a hand up to his ear comically.

The rest of the mercs were struggling to keep straight faces.

"I'm SORRY, okay?!" Scout practically yelled. "There, I _said it_. Can you just let it go?!" he directed his question to Dell, who had yet to move from the doorway. Dell sighed.

"That's all I'm gettin' out'f ya now, ain't I? He made his way to his original spot and sat down. He picked up a fork and prepared to dig back into his food, when he noticed everyone, sans Scout, staring at him expectantly. "What?"

"Oh, nothink! Just... you must be hungry, yes? You should go back to eating." Medic waved off his comment innocently.

_Too_ innocently.

Dell's eyes narrowed slightly.

"What did y'all do while I was fetchin' Scout?" he asked suspiciously.

"Ve haff not touched your plate, _Herr _Engineer..." Medic assured him. Satisfied, Dell cut a piece out of his food, raised the fork to his mouth...

...and got a face full of steak and mashed potatoes.

"..._Naruto_, on zhe ozzer hand... vell..." With that, the whole table burst into laughter at Dell, who's plate was still stuck to his face. It slowly slid down to the ground, revealing a stunned Dell with a face full of his dinner. Somehow, this made them laugh even harder, until not even Spy could keep a straight face. Dell wiped his face with his gloved hand, removing most of the mess.

"So... ya like throwin' food in people's faces, eh?" he asked sinisterly. Naruto, who had been laughing the hardest, gasped in realization.

"No... no, don't you-" *SPLAT!* Dell flung some of the food on his face at Naruto, giving the boy the same treatment. Naruto took in a calming breath, which ended up failing horribly.

"THIS MEANS _WAR!_" Naruto cried. He ran to the fridge where, conveniently, an extra batch of gravy was located. He quickly scooped out some of the sauce, and launched it at his father, who managed to duck out of the way.

Unfortunately, it hit Scout instead, who had managed to end up behind the Engineer. (Medic and Spy choose to leave at this point, guessing that this would only spiral out of control)

"Dude! That is _not cool_!" Scout whined as he got covered in gravy. He grabbed a handful of mashed potatoes and lobbed them at Naruto.

Of course, this is the first time in years that Scout missed his target, and somehow ended up nailing Heavy in the face.

"LEETLE SCOUT WILL GET 'JUST DINNERS'!" Heavy yelled.

With that, the dining room/kitchen fell into an all-out food fight.

Soldier started flinging steaks.

Sniper tossed around some tomatoes (which he found in the fridge).

Scout lobbed his cans of Bonk! like grenades.

Engineer threw handfuls of mashed potatoes.

Demo flung his home-made haggis.

Pyro began tossing eggs.

Heavy pulled out a random fish, and started beating the others with it. (Except Naruto. He wouldn't be so cruel...)

Naruto kept digging through the fridge, looking for something else.

Then, he saw something _waaayyy _in the back that looked good.

He pulled out the jar of apple juice.

And everyone else froze.

Naruto, seeing all eyes on him, looked at them confusedly.

"What?"

"N-Naruto... put th' jar down, 'kay? Put it down, 'n no one has ta git hurt..." Naruto glanced down at the jar.

"But it's apple juice." Dell laughed nervously.

"No, no it ain't. And trust me, you _don't _wanna know what that really is..." Naruto grinned evilly.

"Yeah, I kinda do."

"No, no you- Put it down. Put it down! N-N-N-... SCATTER!" In a flash, every RED mercenary in the room vanished so quickly, Spy might've checked to see someone didn't steal his Cloaking device.

...

...

Naruto hummed to himself as he stored the jar of urine back in the bowels of the fridge, congratulating himself on his _excellent _performance.

Of _course_ it was piss; what else could it possibly be?

_'Either way...' _Naruto thought to himself as he left the kitchen. _'...I win.'_

* * *

**Wow... Naruto's a sneaky little devil, ain't he?**

**R: You _knew _that was piss?!**

**N: No, but what else could it have been?**

**R: You said so yourself...**

**N: Oh... I don't drink apple juice anyways...**

**KM: Yeah... that's a wise decision in life.**

**A.N. Time!:**

**(1): Not sure if this is Dustbowl's actual location, don't really care. Just wanted a way-out-of-the-way place that'd give any clerk a moment to think about it.**

**(2): Not sure if this part of his speech was correct... kinda hard to understand with his accent...**

**(3): I _know _Respawn doesn't necessarily work that way... Just let it, for story's sake**

**(4): When it says 'Dell forgot', it's _really _saying 'Kage forgot to put this in somewhere earlier, so he's doing it now'.**

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!**

**For the time being, the chapters will focus on Naruto bonding with the other mercs. Training will be minimum, unless otherwise required. After that, we'll most likely have a time-skip to Naruto's first battle.**

**(Of course, if anything ends up popping into my mind that just _has _to be written out, then it will. Like the food fight. Totally random. Didn't even think about the Jarate until it was happening. I do that. I'm just gonna shut up now...)**

**Until ****next time!**

**~_Kage Musha_**

* * *

**OHMYGOSH!**

**DID YOU SEE THE NEW COVER ART?!**

**Someone (who has, so far, chosen to remain anonymous for personal reasons) _literally _drew this based off my story! It's just... too perfect.**

**The tails!**

**The arm!**

**The _fluff_!**

**OHMYGOSH!**

**Thank you SOOOOO much, friend! (You know who you are!) I promise you, this has literally made me so happy right now...**

**Oh my god I'm ranting again...**

**R: But... but this is _adorable! _Look at him! And Engie! It's perfect!**

**N: They... did this? For _us_?!**

**KM: I _know_, RIGHT?!**

**(Unfortunately, I had to cut off some of Engie's legs, because Naruto's head was getting cut off... I'll post it on my Tumblr, SO GO FIND IT FOR THE FULL PICTURE!)**


	5. First Time is Always the Hardest

**Jeez... I'm leaving the other stories in the dust, aren't I?**

**Eh, no one really seems to be commenting on them... so why should I bother? I'll just keep working on this until I get the feeling to write those out once again.**

**Funny thing, reviewing my work makes me want to write about it more.**

**HINT-_MOTHERFUCKING-_HINT**

**R: Wow, you've got problems.**

**KM: I know, right?! A thousand problems, and getting reviews ain't one! (Is that how it goes?)**

**R: ...don't ever do that again.**

**KM: Whaaaat? I'm just making references!**

**R: Exactly. Stop it.**

**KM: ...you're very emotionless today. You have no... _spark_ in your dialogue!**

**R: 'Sparks', you say? Well, I can give you a spark...**

**KM: ...Riley, don't you _dare_-  
**

**R: In fact, let's give _everything _a spark! *starts setting things on fire***

**KM: AUGH! YOU PSYCHO! YOU'RE BURNING MY FURNITURE!**

**R: MWAHAHAHAHA!**

**N: Since those two are currently... preoccupied, I will take this moment to credit.**

**Naruto belongs to... whatever the guy's name is.**

**TF2 belongs to Valve.**

**The cover art belongs to Susie (check out Kage's Tumblr if you want more info)**

**The idea for this story belongs to another person, but I took creative liberties in making this my own.**

**This story is the only thing I actually own here.**

**Enjoy!**

**KM: WHERE THE FUCK IS A FIRE EXTINGUISHER WHEN YOU NEED ONE?!**

* * *

Naruto was sleeping soundly, dreaming of ramen fountains and his face on the Hokage Mountain.

...did that just rhyme?

Meh, unimportant.

Anyways, the point is that Naruto was asleep. Dreaming his sweet dreams and having-

*BR-BRAH-BUDDA-BRAH BR-BRAH-BUDDA-BRAH BR-BRAH-BUDDA-BRAH-BR-BRAAAH!*

Naruto shrieked and fell out of his bed, to see Soldier blaring through some bronze megaphone.

"ATTENTION, COMMIE-PRIVATE-MAGGOT!" Soldier yelled once he finished with the megaphone. Naruto stood up, glaring at the American as he did so.

"Is there a specific reason as to why you are my new alarm clock?!" Naruto demanded. Soldier growled slightly.

"PRIVATES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK UNLESS SPOKEN TO; AM I _CLEAR_?!" Naruto gave the Soldier a look, and remained silent. "TODAY IS THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE, MAGGOT! TODAY IS THE START OF YOUR TRAINING! YOU WILL CRY, BEG, AND SCREAM FOR MERCY, AND I WILL DENY _EVERY, SINGLE REQUEST_!" Naruto gasped in excitement.

"Why didn't you say so?!" He bolted out of the room, too excited for his own good. "C'mon! I won't wait for you~!" Soldier blinked as he stared at Naruto's earlier location.

"...well! There's some hope for the Commie after all!" he stated with a glint in his eye.

...

..

.

"Alright Maggot! I'm starting you off with laps around the base!" Naruto nodded, a wide grin on his face. "Let's see... for today, I want five. I may not like you, but even _I _know you won't be used to this... _however_, I expect you to be able to increase that amount within a week, am I clear?!"

"Hai, Soldier-senpai!" Soldier frowned for a moment.

"What did you just call me?"

"Oh, it's a formality used in my village! I'm sort of calling you an 'upperclassman', because you've been here longer, and you're teaching me." Soldier nodded. He wasn't too sure about it, but the boy seemed to be giving him a level of respect.

"Fine. Now, GET MOVING MAGGOT!" Naruto jumped a little at the sudden increase in volume, and hurriedly began his laps around RED's base.

"Jane. Hpw're things goin' so far?" Soldier whirled around to see Dell standing right behind him, as though he had been there all along.

"First off, I thought I told you to _not _use my name! Second... I've started him on doing laps. I won't give him too much to do today, since we just started, but this will be stepping stones for the kid." Dell nodded, surprised at Soldier's knowledge in training.

"Where'd ya learn all 'a this?" Soldier scoffed lightly.

"War didn't just teach me how to shoot a gun, Private..." Dell could only remain silent, not having experienced the War in Europe. They stood in silence for a few minutes, waiting until Naruto managed to circle back around to complete his first lap.

"Hi... *huff-huff* ...hi, tou-san..." Naruto panted as he ran past. Soldier scoffed in disgust, and quickly jogged up next to the boy.

"Deplorable! If you have the breath to talk, then you have the breath to go faster!" Naruto groaned slightly. "That includes groaning!" Naruto bowed his head, focusing on running. "Keep your head up kid! You have to watch where you're going, otherwise-" Soldier broke off, as Naruto suddenly fell to the ground with a *thud!* "...yeah, that'll happen..." Naruto huffed in frustration, and picked himself up.

"C'mon! I'm not stopping just 'cuz I fell!" Naruto snapped. Soldier smirked.

"'Atta boy! We'll make a soldier out of you yet!"

...

...

"Alroight, Engie's got me teachin' ya how t' shoot." Sniper looked down at his temporary pupil, who was eager to learn from the marksman.

Seriously. Kid had a pen and paper with him to take notes.

"Has Engie already told ya 'bout how a gun actually works?" Naruto nodded.

"Yeah. The bullet has gunpowder in it, and you pull the trigger, and it sparks the powder which causes the silver part of the bullet to fly out...right?" Sniper smirked slightly.

"Pretty much. Of course, y'also understand that y'have ta _aim_, roight?" Naruto nodded. "Well, that's what Ah'm teachin' ya 'ere!" He led Naruto over to a table filled with different sorts of guns. "We've got a nice crop fer ya t'pick from, so choose what ya think y'can use." Naruto wandered around, eyeing the different weapons carefully. He grinned maniacally and picked up a rocket-launcher, causing Sniper to pale slightly. "Uh, kid? Soldier ain't gonna like you touchin' his weapons..." Naruto sighed heavily.

"_Fiiiine_. If I _have _to..." He put it back down, with Sniper breathing a sigh of relief.

"Why don'tcha take a look at somethin' smaller, or with less of a kick to it." Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"'Kick'?" Sniper nodded.

"The blast doesn't just go one way; it'll push the gun yer usin' back a bit... or a lot, dependin' on the bullets ya use." Naruto nodded again in understanding. Suddenly, a dark reflection caught his eye. He went over to the far end of the table, and picked up a single, black and silver pistol.

It was interesting in the fact that it had two barrels, one on top of the other, which meant it could fire from both at the same time, or go back-and-forth between the two. There was a small scope on top, allowing for possible long-range shots, and a laser guide as well in the event of that scenario. The most interesting feature it had was that the bottom of the barrels had a blade sticking out of it. If anyone ever got too close, a quick swipe with the gun would take care of them easily enough.

Sniper nodded in approval.

"Nice eye, kid. Double-barrel, meaning twoice as many bullets, scope fer any emergencies, and that's a fine blade it's got as well!" Naruto smiled, happy with his choice. "'Course, we ain't even checked if y'can shoot straight..." Sniper beckoned Naruto to follow, and the blonde obeyed. The two walked through the base until they came to a wide, open room.

"What is this place?" Naruto asked curiously. In response, Sniper pointed to a little area; a break in a chain-like fence, with a cinder-block in front of it.

"Stand roight there, 'n find out." Naruto complied, and he got into position and waited for something to happen. Suddenly, a cardboard cut-out of his tou-san popped up in front of him, except he was wearing a blue shirt instead of his usual red. Naruto had jumped slightly at the cut-out's quick entrance, but, as fast as it appeared, it sank into the floor, back to where it came from. Naruto turned to his temporary sensei.

"Sniper-sensei, what was that?"

"This 'ere is the Firin' Range. It'll give out targets, and all ya gotta do is shoot 'em. Easy enough, roight?" Naruto nodded, though a tad unsure. "Let's give ya a basic guide on how t' shoot: All ya have t'do, is identify your target, point, and shoot. Can ya do that?" Naruto nodded, and took a calming breath before looking back onto the target area. He hoisted his gun up, careful to not hold it by the blade, and situated it so his hand was holding it firmly. A BLU Heavy cut-out popped out of the ground, and Naruto's eyes quickly snapped to it. He pointed his pistol at the target, and squeezed the trigger.

The cut-out's head was blown clean off it's shoulders.

Naruto fell backwards onto his rump, having been knocked to the ground by the gun's kick.

Sniper couldn't help it; he barked out a laugh, which broke the dam and caused Sniper to descend into a laughing slowly picked himself up, and glared at the Australian.

"C'mon! I've never shot a gun before! You can't blame me..." Naruto pouted.

Sniper eventually calmed down, and wiped a tear of mirth from his eye.

"Alroight... c'n I see ya shoot 'gain? I noticed somethin', but I need t'make sure..." Naruto nodded, and assumed his position in the firing range. The BLU Spy jumped out of the ground, and Naruto fired within seconds.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Sniper frowned, seeing Naruto's apparent hatred for the enemy Spook, but he didn't say anything; it'd be hypocritical.

"Alroight, I think we're gonna have t'hold off on that gun for now..." Naruto whirled around.

"What?! Why?!" Sniper sighed.

"Well, y'don't have the proper strength t'hold it roight now. Y'spent a few seconds makin' sure your gun was level before y'fired, and that'll get y'killed out on tha field. On top of that, your hand was showin' signs of strain holdin' it; that'll throw off your aim a bit, which is also a no-no. I'm not even gonna mention how y' can only hold it single-handedly... but until we improve your wrist 'n grip strength, we can't have ya usin' that gun." Naruto glanced down at his gun, considering Sniper's words, and sighed in defeat.

"Fine... I'll still be learning how to shoot though, right?!" Sniper nodded, and he grabbed one of Dell's extra pistols that was being stored in the ammunition locker.

"We'll work on your aim wit' a regular pistol, until we can upgrade ya t'your original one. No, I also noticed y'stance earlier was off a tad, so I'll work on that wit you for now. So, when y'holdin' a pistol, you'll grasp it like this with one hand. Then, shift your body... like... that, there..."

...

...

"Now, has anyone explained to you about my Medigun?" Naruto shook his head slowly, and Medic sighed. "_So wie ich es erwartet_..." Medic mumbled to himself.

"Does it heal us? That sounds like that's what it would do..." Medic smirked lightly.

"Impressive, _kind_. Yes, zhat is vhat I do out on zhe field; I keep all of you alive. Of course, zhere is alvays zhe chance I von't be accessible out zhere... So, vhile you are vith me, I vill be teaching you First Aid." Naruto nodded, a pad of paper situated on his lap and a pen suddenly appearing in his hand. "Vell... at least you are eager to learn..." Medic deadpanned.

He started to pace while he talked.

"Out on zhe field, zhere are quite a number of injuries you and zhe ozhers may receive, which includes, but is not limited to..." He walked over to a cord hanging down and yanked it to reveal a giant chart, filled with the descriptions of different injuries and ailments(1).

Naruto dropped his pen.

"...these." Medic grinned at the sight of Naruto's panic attack over the sheer number of injuries he'd be expected to treat. "Now, zhe good news here is zhat ve haff zhe Respawn system in place. Zhat means zhat you can always 'mercy-kill' one of us in zhe event zhat you do not know, nor have zhe tools to treat us." He grabbed a marker from a random table, and tossed it to Naruto. "So, vhat I vant you to do is circle all zhe different injuries you believe you should treat, and do not circle the ones you vould 'mercy-kill' for." Naruto nodded, and walked over to the chart. He studied it for a few minutes, mumbling quietly to himself while he did so. After his careful scrutiny, he walked up to the chart, and, after making sure Medic couldn't see, wrote out something before circling it. He then calmly walked back to his seat, and waited for Medic's report.

Medic, on the other hand, was _very _curious as to what the _junge _was up to. He walked over to the chart, and bent down so he could read the single word written in marker and encircled.

_(何事)_

Medic stood up straight, and turned to face Naruto.

"Vhat does it read?"

"It says 'everything'."

"Explain your reasoning."

"Respawn shouldn't be used as an excuse to not heal someone; besides it wasting several precious minutes for the person to get back onto the field, it causes extreme pain for those inside of it. Besides, it's not about me making sure they'll be fit for battle... it's about making sure they'll last until you arrive." Medic blinked as he processed Naruto's reasoning.

"Like I said earlier, you never cease to surprise me, _kind_."

...

...

Naruto eyed the sleeping drunk, unimpressed.

"Tou-san... what was Demo-san supposed to be doing again?" Naruto asked his father, who happened to be walking by at that exact moment. Dell paused to look at the pair, and frowned at the pitiful sight of the Scotsman.

"DEMO! WAKEY-WAKEY!" Dell yelled. Demo yelped (in a completely manly way), and started swinging around an imaginary sword.

"Demons! Nessie! Come out and fight, cowards!" Demo yelled, stuck in a dream. Dell expertly avoided the wild swings, and quickly smacked Demo in the head.

"If I recall right, y'said you were trainin' Naruto today, yes?" Demo, fully awake and aware, hung his head down meekly.

"U-um, yessir..."

"And yet, here I stand, having _just _woken you up from yer hangover!"

"U-ummm... I c'n 'splain, sir-"

"No excuses!" Dell barked. "Now, are y'trainin' him? Or should I find someone else while you 'n I have a... _talk_?" Demo swallowed visibly.

"U-uh I think I c'n handl' it..." Dell nodded tersely, and walked off to his original task. Demo turned to face Naruto, a light scowl on his face. "Y' _tryin' _to git meh in Respawn, boyo?!" Naruto smirked.

"Sorry, I just wanted the training I was promised. Is that too much to ask?" Demo sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Fine... fine, I'll train'ya. 'Course, I'm not gonna make it pleasant fer'ya now, understand?" Naruto frowned slightly, but nodded his consent. "Great! To the War Room!" Demo marched off, Naruto following close behind.

"What's the 'War Room'?" Demo chuckled.

"S'not really a War Room... we just meet 'ere for Solly's 'Strategy Planning' for th' day's battle. 'Course, that's what ah'm teachin' ya! Strategy!" Naruto groaned in agony. "What?! What's wrong wit' it?"

"I'm _sick _of learning about strategy! All day, they would teach us about different battle tactics at the Academy! It _sucked_!" Demo scoffed.

"Look, ah'm teachin' ya all da basics, then we're goin' out and practicin' it; did they do _that _at y'fancy Academy?!" Naruto paused, thinking back to his school days for a moment.

"No... they didn't really..."

"Then that's th' problem! You're a doer, not a thinka, so bein' stuck in a classroom all day isn't gon' help ya. 'Course, we're gonna talk 'bout the strategies _before _doin' 'em, but I think y'can manage..." Naruto nodded.

"As long as I'm not being put in the hell that is a classroom!"

...

...

"So, what're you gonna teach me, Heavy-oji?" Heavy had brought Naruto into a room with a square stage that had ropes bordering it.

"Heavy will teach leetle племянник how to fight with fists!" Naruto tilted his head in confusion.

"But... wouldn't I just shoot people?" Heavy shook his head.

"_Nyet_. There may be time where BLU babies get up close to племянник. племянник won't be able to shoot, so племянник must be able to fight with fists." Naruto nodded, seeing the logic.

"So I need to learn how to punch people?"

"Yes."

"...what about my gun?"

"What gun?"

"Well, Sniper-san took me to the Weapon Room, and I picked out a gun that had a _huge _blade attached to it! So, wouldn't I just be able to slice them with it, if they get in close?" Heavy considered this.

"Leetle племянник _could_... but what if племянник lost gun?" Naruto raised a finger, as if to argue, but paused as he thought over his uncle's scenario. The finger slowly fell. "Best for leetle племянник to be ready for anything, yes? That is why Heavy will teach племянник boxing!" Heavy walked out of the square, and picked up a giant cylinder that was lying on it's side. He brought it back inside the stage area before hooking it to the ceiling by the chain attached to the top. He then went over to the edge of the square, and picked up two, giant gloves before putting them on his fists.

"Heavy will show leetle племянник punches for now. племянник must get new hand before practice."

...

...

"You're teaching _me _stealth?" Spy quirked an eyebrow. He had requested the boy meet him in his private smoking room (to which he ordered that Naruto _never _come in here again without _explicit _permission from Spy), with the intentions of teaching Naruto stealth techniques that could come in handy throughout his career in the Gravel Wars.

"Is zhere a problem with zhat, _enfant_?" Naruto scoffed.

"Trust me, I've been able to avoid entire platoons of ANBU, jonin, and chuunin for _hours_, something I did on an almost daily basis!"

"...I am afraid I don't know what zhose are."

"If I was to graduate from the Academy, I'd be a genin. Then it's chuunin, then jonin, and ANBU would be the highest ranking shinobi before jiji."

"Zhen I'm afraid zhey aren't very good if zhey cannot even capture you."

"You wanna bet?!" Naruto suddenly bolted out of the room. Spy followed rather casually, walking out the door and into the hallway to find out what Naruto had been planning. He froze when he realized that, in the two seconds he dally-ed in the room, the boy had vanished from sight. He suddenly noticed a piece of paper stuck to the wall on his left, and he snatched it off so that he could read it.

_"Sniper-san,_

_If you can find me before dinner tonight (which is about three hours), then...well, you can do whatever you want to me as long as it's not anything dangerous._

_HOWEVER: If you _can't _find me, then you have to admit, at dinner tonight in front of _everyone_, that a seven-year-old child was able to out-stealth you._

_Happy Hunting!_

_-Naruto_

_P.S: This is written in English because I asked tou-san to write it out for me. _

_P.P.S: Which means that yes, the rest of the team knows about this challenge, so I suggest you take it seriously._

Spy tore the paper to shreds with a snarl.

"_Merde..._" he muttered. He started off down the hall, looking through various rooms intently.

If only he noticed a shadow sneak back into his smoking room...

...

...

"So, Naruto, what'd ya do today?" Dell asked as he served Naruto his dinner. Naruto grinned widely.

"Well, you saw me this morning with Soldier-senpai, right?" Dell nodded. "After that, Sniper-sensei was helping me pick out a gun and then we had target practice, then Medic-san started some First Aid training, after that Demo-yopparai (Dell choked on his food for a moment) had me study different strategies... ugh... then Heavy-oji showed me boxing moves, and finally... hey, where's Spy-san?" Naruto broke off after having realized the masked man was nowhere to be seen.

"Lickin' his wounds, no doubt 'bout it..." Dell joked.

"Well, that's the last thing I did; hide from Spy-san until about... two minutes ago!"

"ZHERE YOU ARE!" Naruto turned his head, to see Spy glaring at him.

"Oh, you found me!" Naruto stated with mock surprise.

"WHERE ZHE _HELL _WERE YOU?!" Spy yelled.

"I hadn't even gone two feet away from the door, and you passed right by me. Once I was sure you weren't watching, I snuck back into the room." Spy's face lost all trace of anger, and simply fell into shocked silence. "...you didn't even think to check back in your smoking room?"

The rest of the table burst into laughter at Naruto's feint, Scout and Sniper being the most enthusiastic.

"Kid faked y'out, eh ya bloody Spook?!" Sniper wheezed. Spy growled, and glared at Naruto with the utmost hate.

"As per our agreement..." Spy looked like he was in pain. "...a seven-year-old child managed to... _out-stealth me_..." he somehow managed to get out. The table whooped and cheered for the young boy, who stood up and took a bow.

Spy decided that he was going to stab Dell in the back tomorrow.

* * *

_(The next morning...)_

Naruto jumped out of bed, yelling in shock at the sight of the red lights flashing and the sound of alarms blaring.

"TOU-SAN!" Naruto yelled. Dell rushed through the door, wearing nothing but an undershirt and boxers.

"Naruto! I am _so sorry_! I forgot to tell you we were going to work today!" Dell exclaimed. His voice had to be louder than normal, due to the alarms going off.

"Oh... is that what's going on?!" Dell nodded. "Okay... you go get ready! I was just scared something bad was happening..." Dell nodded, and, after making _sure _Naruto would be fine, went to get geared up for the day's battle. Naruto, meanwhile, covered his ears with his pillow to try and block out the alarms.

After a few minutes, Dell came back in fully dressed, and the alarms had finally ceased.

***ATTENTION: Mission starts at 0900 hours.* **The announcement rang throughout the base.

"Wasn't that Kanrishakage-sama?" Dell stared at his son.

"_'Administrator Shadow'_? Is that yer new name for her?!" Naruto nodded, and Dell chuckled slightly. "Well... that's a new one..."

"Come _on_! I spent a lot of time coming up with that!" Dell just smiled, and led Naruto to the kitchen where the other mercs were eating their breakfast... even though it was rather minuscule.

"Rations today, fellas?" Dell asked tiredly. Eight heads nodded in unison.

"So... what's the kid supposed to do?" Scout asked bluntly. Dell sighed, and rubbed the back of his head in exasperation.

"Hol'up! Got 'n idea!" Demo slurred out, before leaving the room. Everyone just stared at his exit, not sure what just happened.

He came back ten minutes later, a big smile on his face.

"Good news, boyo! Got th' Administrator to let th' tyke watch us from the big screen!"

"Why do I need to do that?" Naruto asked. Demo pouted.

"Yerr suppose t'be learnin' Strategy wit' me! What better way t'learn than t'have ya watch our real life battles?!" Dell pondered the idea.

"'Spose it makes sense... you 'kay with this, son?" Naruto nodded.

"Don't have much else to do today... except for the studying Medic-san gave me, so I'll just do my work while I watch." Dell nodded, pleased things were working out so nicely.

"Good. Now, we'll be gone 'til around 5:00 'n th' evenin'. Can I trust you t' keep the base secure until then?" Naruto saluted his father, brimming with the pride little children have when given an important task.

"You can count on me!"

...

...

"Are ya _sure _you'll be alright?" Dell asked, for the hundredth time. Naruto groaned in annoyance.

"For the last time, _yes_! I will be fine, tou-san!" Dell sighed worriedly.

"I'm just worried... I dunno if any'a those BLU bastards might try t'snatch ya..." In response, Naruto pulled out his hidden pistol. Dell's eyes narrowed.

"Where did you-"

"Sniper-san gave it to me yesterday after we realized my first choice was too heavy for me to carry, but that's beside the point. My plan is this: If you don't come in here, and tell me the title of the Bijuu I hold, I'm shooting." Dell blinked, then began to chuckle.

"Thinkin' more like yer old man every day!" He gave his son one last hug, then strode out the door.

***Testing, testing. Do you copy? I repeat, do you copy?* **Naruto looked over to the screen, where an image of the Administrator in her chair was being shown. Naruto walked up hesitantly.

"Ummm... I copy?" A ghost of a smile graced her lips.

***I guess that'll do. How is your training coming along?***

"I've only just started, and my... injury is making it hard for me to practice the things they taught me... But I'm watching them now, so that I can copy them later!"

***Interesting... Well, while you're here, the Demoman asked me to keep an eye on you while you sit here. I will need to focus on my job, however, so stay quiet while you work, understood?* **Naruto nodded, and pulled out the many notes Medic had given him the day before, along with a small First Aid kit. ***...what are you doing?* **Naruto looked up in surprise.

"Oh! Well, Medic-san told me that I'm a... a... 'kin-tes-nick'? learner."

***Kinesthetic?***

"Yeah, that! I don't learn best by reading about something, or hearing a lecture; I learn best when I'm _doing_. So, I'm going over the notes for small injuries, and pretending they're on me so that I can perform the 'treatment'." The Administrator nodded, pleased with the news.

***Well, I suggest you enjoy the show; the battle has begun.***

...

...

Naruto hummed to himself, looking more and more like a badly wrapped mummy by the second. Helen made sure not to watch him, otherwise she'd dissolve into a giggling mess in a second, which would just ruin her image. Naruto would look up every once in a while, checking on his dad who was sitting directly beneath one of the cameras for him.

Currently, Naruto was re-reading the directions for a broken arm, confused as hell.

Was he supposed to wrap it around his neck _before _or _after_ tying it underneath the forearm?

***I suggest you remove the wrappings from around your neck; I'd rather _not _see you choke yourself only after your first day of training.* **Naruto grinned sheepishly up at his future employer, and quickly unwound himself.

_**"For once, I agree with a ningen. You'll kill yourself faster than **_**I**_** would..."**_Naruto's head snapped up in shock.

"Kyuubi?!" Helen looked down at him, confused.

***Where?***

_**"Keep your trap shut! I'm still inside you, I'm just talking with you without bringing you into the mindscape. Contrary to popular belief, it's not exactly a party everyday in here!"**_Naruto snickered quietly.

"Um, well apparently, the fox is talking to me through the seal." The Administrator raised an eyebrow.

***Well... that is rather interesting...***

"I know, right?! And now-... I'm not even gonna repeat what he just said; that's just not right." Naruto returned to teaching himself how to heal (which was failing miserably), while Helen returned to watching the screens to see how the battle was-

The camera that had the only view of Dell went out.

Helen quickly tapped the keyboard, trying to get it back online. When that didn't work, she contacted the Engineer directly.

"Engineer, the camera above you just went out. Do you copy?"

***I-I do, ma'am. BLU Soldier launched a rocket at me, but it hit th' camera 'nstead.***

"...Directly?"

***Surprisingly... yes.***

"...I see. Find yourself a new camera, and quickly." She cut the connection, and looked back to Naruto...

...just in time to see the RED Engineer walk into the room.

_'So, _this_ is his new plan. Let's see how this plays out... Naruto.'_

...

...

Naruto growled in anger as the bandages got tangled up again.

At least it wasn't wrapped around him this time.

As he struggled to unwind the wrappings (which is extremely hard to do with one hand), the door to the room suddenly opened, and in walked his father.

"Hey, son! Just checkin' in on'ya! You doin' okay?" Naruto brightened up considerably.

"Oh, yeah! Just practicing my First Aid! Are you guys still doing okay?" Naruto looked back to the screen, and saw that the camera his father was on had gone black. His face lost it's smile, and he stood up slowly.

"Heh, th' camera got blown up by th' BLU Soldier, so I thought I'd just come by-" Dell broke off, seeing that Naruto was suddenly pointing a gun at him.

"...say it." Naruto demanded.

"S-say what?" Naruto's grip on the gun tightened.

"I-I don't want to have to deal with you! Please, just go and I won't tell tou-san you tried this!" Naruto begged. The 'Engineer' smirked.

"And if I took you? How would you tell 'tou-san' zhen?"

"I wouldn't, but _s__he _would." 'Engineer' (who was obviously the BLU Spy), paled when he saw the Administrator on one of the screens, staring right at him.

"_Madame_... I did not know-"

"Just get out!" Naruto yelled. Spy stared down at the young blonde, wishing he hadn't made the decision that he didn't need his weapons to grab the boy.

"Look-"

*BANG!*

Both froze at the sound, and their eyes slowly traveled to the masked man's chest. A red dot appeared, right where his heart lay, and slowly grew bigger by the second. Spy looked back up to Naruto, to see the boy standing there, frozen in fear, with a smoking pistol in his hand.

"I-I'm sorry..." Naruto stuttered. Spy nodded, resigned to his fate.

"Well, a-anozzer time, z-zhen..." Spy choked out. He fell to the ground in a heap, and did not move again. Naruto watched the body of his father fall, then looked back at the gun in his hand.

He screamed.

...

...

***...Engineer?***

"'Scuse me a minute, ma'am... BLUs are tryin' ta kill me..."

***Engineer.***

"Just give me a moment, please!"

***_Dell_._ Conagher_.* **Dell completely halted.

When did _she_, of all people, use the mercenaries' full names?!

"...what's wrong?"

***Tell me: when was the last time you saw the BLU Spy? Before or after that rocket destroyed the camera?***

...

...

"NARUTO!" Dell yelled as he ran into the base. He got weird looks from the others on the battlefield, both RED and BLU, but why should he care? "NARUTO! ARE YOU STILL IN HERE?!" He burst into the conference room, and nearly slipped on the puddle of blood.

_'B-...blood?' _A gunshot suddenly resounded throughout the room, and Dell jumped back in fear. He finally realized Naruto shot the gun to get his attention, and by then the gun was already pointing in his face.

"S-say it..." Naruto mumbled, eyes wide and terrified. He was sitting in the middle of the room, curled up into a ball and shivering, shock written all over his face.

"N-Naruto? W-what happened?" Naruto fired a bullet, which barely missed hitting Dell.

"I won't tell you again; say the damn code, or I'll shoot you again!" Naruto shouted in a panic.

"The Kyuubi no Kitsune." Naruto allowed the gun to drop from his fingers.

"Y-you came..." Naruto breathed. Dell nodded, unsure of how to react. "T-the BLU Spy... I shot him. Right in the chest. He died..." Naruto pointed to the pool of blood on the floor. "...right there. I watched as he bled to death... and I-I was the one who k-killed h-him..." Naruto fell onto his side, yet did not make a sound. He just continued to stare at nothing.

"A-...am I a monster?" Naruto asked quietly.

"W-what?"

"AM I A MONSTER?!" Naruto screamed.

"...well, do y'think ah'm a monster?" Dell asked. Naruto blinked. "I kill people fer a livin', Naruto... and so does your jiji. And everyday, I do mah best t'cope, along with all th' others. Demo drinks his Scrumpy, Scout brags about his 'achievements', Heavy cleans his gun, Sasha; we all have our different ways to forget. The only way you'd be a monster, is if y'kill fer fun or pleasure. D'ya see what ah'm sayin'?" Naruto slowly turned his head until he was staring right at his father.

"Th' guilt you feel now is how y'know you're keepin' yer humanity, because once ya enjoy the feeling of when ya kill...yer life is forfeit."

...

..

.

RED had managed to pull off a win that day, even with the absence of their Engineer during the second half of the battle.

No one knew what had made him run off like that, leaving behind all his sentries despite the BLU Spy sapping them incessantly. After he did, the rest of the day just ended up being more difficult for RED. Even though they won, their anger over their missing comrade pushed the victory aside.

"HARDHAT! Where the _hell _are you?!" Scout yelled the moment he stepped foot into the base.

"YOUR AWOL STUNT WILL BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY, MAGGOT!" Soldier supplied. The rest of the team stayed silent, but they weren't any less angry.

Heavy, however, had an inkling as to what might've happened while the battle raged on, and he was worried.

"Move, babies! Heavy has to see something!" Heavy shoved his way past the team, and hurried over to the conference room he last saw his little племянник in. He opened the door, and his heart dropped.

There Dell sat, by the light of the static-y conference screen behind him, holding the small, yet unmistakable, form of Heavy's племянник.

"What happen to племянник?" Heavy asked while entering the room slowly. Dell looked up, showing his eyes without goggles over them (for once), and that he was crying.

"Their Spy... attempted another kidnappin'..."

"охуеть!" Heavy swore loudly, causing the little boy to twitch. Dell shushed the large Russian.

"He's not doin' good, Heavy..."

"What happen to сука of BLU?" Dell swallowed heavily.

"Naruto... h-he..." His eyes glanced away from Heavy for a moment, but that was all Heavy needed. Heavy looked in the direction Dell had, and saw a solitary pistol, laying there ever so innocently.

"племянник... shot him?" Heavy asked. Dell nodded, and the Russian sat down heavily. "...сукин сын..." Heavy cursed again, this time in shock.

"Tell me 'bout it..." Dell sighed. "He's been in shock ever since, but I might'a been able to calm him a bit..." Heavy managed a small grin.

Of course, Scout and Soldier chose that time to enter... loudly.

"HARDHAT!" Both yelled loudly and in unison. "WHERE THE _HELL _DID YOU-" They cut off suddenly, as giant hands suddenly covered their mouths to shut them up.

"Heavy suggest Scout and Soldier stop talking. Heavy might crush skulls... on accident, of course." The threatening tone, coupled with the fact that Heavy could (and had) do something like that, quickly silenced the two loudmouths. Soldier said something in a normal tone, although muffled, so Heavy uncovered his mouth. "What?"

"What's going on here?" Soldier asked calmly.

"Leetle племянник had... first kill..." Heavy admitted. Soldier's face lost all anger.

"I see..." He stood there for a few seconds, then turned and marched to the door. Before he exited, he looked back. "I... I don't expect to see you out there tomorrow, kid." With that, he left. Scout, meanwhile, ceased his struggling to free himself from Heavy's grip, and stared at the boy with a weird expression on his face. Heavy released him, knowing Scout wouldn't yell anymore, and waited to see his reaction.

He didn't do much, except turn and leave.

The rest of the team was looking in through the doorway, with mixed expressions of pity and anger. Dell watched them, too emotionally exhausted to even try to yell at them.

"...are y'all just gonna stare at us?" Dell snapped tiredly(2). Spy scowled slightly, then vanished without a trace. Medic sighed, then headed back to the Infirmary. Demo went to go get himself drunk, upset by what happened to Naruto, and Sniper gave a nod to Dell before heading off to his nest. Pyro was the only one who decided to come inside, and he shut the door behind him.

"Mmph hmm hrm-hmm?" Pyro asked. Dell blinked.

"Ummm..." Pyro sighed, and yanked at the mask. After a few seconds of struggling, he managed to pull it off to reveal a young face, possibly the same age as Scout, with a mop of wavy, red hair, green eyes, and a sprinkling of freckles(3).

Dell blushed slightly, glad it was too dark for anyone to see his face.

"I _asked_, how's he doing?" Pyro repeated, a small vein on his forehead twitching.

"Oh... well, he's... doin' th' best he can, under the circumstances..."

"How so?" Dell swallowed heavily.

"Th' Spy... was disguised as me... when Naruto shot him." Pyro's eyes went wide, and Heavy had to cover his mouth to keep from cursing again.

"Oh my god..."

"So, he made his first kill, he shot his 'tou-san', 'n he spent almost a full hour thinkin' he was a monster fer killin'... he is _not_ in a good frame 'a mind right now." Pyro sighed.

"Alright... I'll leave you two alone." He made to put his mask on, then stopped. "And don't _either _of you mention I took my mask off! There's a reason I keep the mask on!"

"Uh, why?" Pyro didn't answer, choosing to slip the mask back on before leaving the room. Heavy glanced at the door, before grinning apologetically at the Texan.

"Heavy will leave you two now... Heavy probably not suited to help with this..." He left the room, albeit reluctantly. Dell sighed again, and stood up carefully so as to not wake Naruto. He walked to the boy's room, and gently set him down in his bed before tucking him in. He was about to leave, when a voice stopped him.

"Tou...san?" Naruto asked sleepily.

"Yeah, it's jus' me..." Dell answered in a whisper. "Jus' puttin' ya t' bed..."

"D-don't... don't leave..." Naruto pleaded. Dell's heart soared and shattered at the same time.

"...d'ya want me t' sleep with ya tonight?" he asked. Naruto nodded, and Dell smiled. "Alright... I'll be back in a moment..." He quickly went to his own room and changed into his pajamas before heading back to Naruto. He quickly climbed into the bed, and managed to get the two into a comfortable position. Naruto hugged his father's arm like a stuffed animal, and Dell could barely contain his happiness.

"G'night, son..." Dell yawned.

"Good night... dad."(4)

* * *

**I am just too cruel to this kid... First he gets branded while his arm gets cut off, then he watches as his newly adoptive father messes up the teleportation process. Next, he learns that he's a jinchuuriki, thinks his father doesn't want him, then watches said father die in front of him all in one night, not to mention the tails growing out of his tail-bone. And _now_, he just had his first kill, which ends up being a perfect replica of his father.**

**...yeah.**

**A.N. Time!:**

**(1): If you want an accurate comparison to Medic's chart, just imagine the blackboards math professors will have in their lecture hall, filled _to the brim _with different math equations and formulas, stretching from the top (which seems impossible to get to) to the bottom. **

**(2): Boy... _that's _an oxymoron if I've ever written one!**

**(3): Yeah... this is my OC Pyro Riley, in case you didn't notice... He's pretty much the main character of 'Burning Up', besides Dell.**

**(4): I hope you realize what a big step it is for Naruto to call his father that. 'Tou' is the formality used to say 'father', and 'san' is... like saying 'Mr.' or 'Ms./Mrs.'; basically, Naruto would call Dell 'Mr. Father'. if we want to get technical. For Naruto to just refer to him as 'dad', means that he is finally starting to bond with Dell.**

**Did you all get that? I hope this explanation for it wasn't needed...**

_**(If you really want to cry, go ahead and listen to 'Stuff We Did', from the 'Up' soundtrack as you read the last scene. I... I might have cried while listening to it as I wrote the last scene...)**_

**Also! The image used for Naruto's original pistol is this: [the-5. deviantart art/ Brotherguard-152063940] without spaces or brackets**

**Until next time!**

_**~Kage**** Musha**_


	6. Demons and Terrible Wizards

**So... another chapter for this story, yet nothing for the others...**

**I'm neglecting my babies, aren't I?...**

**Well, this chapter may be a bit shorter than the rest, but it's for a good reason!: HALLOWEEN!**

**That's right! This is the Halloween chapter!**

**And I'm starting this the Saturday before!**

**I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do this in time...**

**But I'm still going with it!**

* * *

Naruto hummed to himself as he wandered around the base. He was allowed an hour or so to himself every day, which was a definite blessing for the boy. With Soldier's morning training, Medic's First Aid lessons, Sniper's shooting lessons, Demo's strategy lessons, and his father's language lessons, it was a wonder Naruto hadn't collapsed yet from the mental strain.

However, he was starting to worry that he might have been losing it, if only a little.

For example, when, exactly, did this giant castle appear behind the RED base?

Naruto slowly walked up to the giant door, warily. It was... rather old, to be honest, and faded. If that simply was to give the house a 'haunted' feel to it, then who was he to judge? Regardless, Naruto decided he might as well check out the inside, simply to make sure this was real. If it wasn't... he didn't really want to think about that...

So, Naruto opened to large door, and walked inside.

**"Hey, who the heck are you?" **Naruto blinked as he stared at the floating book with a face on the cover that was... eating a bomb? **"Yes, I'm talking to you! I'm a book that talks, whatever! Just answer my question!" **Naruto quickly turned around and walked back to the door. **"H-Hey! I'm not done with you!"**

"A book that talks... and flies... and is eating a bomb... Yeah, I'm really starting to lose it. I better just tell dad I've gone completely-HEY!" Naruto jumped back as the doors quickly slammed shut, preventing him from leaving.

**"Oh, so you can have three fox tails, yet a talking book is impossible? Hypocrite..." **the book muttered.

"This _entire _castle wasn't outside my house five minutes ago, and you're a book that talks! I'm allowed to think I'm going crazy!" Naruto argued. The book frowned in thought.

**"Where did the house end up this time?" **It floated over to a nearby window, and peered out. **"Oh, Merasmus is _not _gonna be happy..."**

"Who's Merasmus?"

**"The wizard who owns this house." **Naruto stared at the book again, speechless. **"Hey, don't forget the fox tails."**

"That's it... I'm finally insane!" Naruto started to rant to himself as he paced about the entryway frantically. "I'm probably not even here; they've probably already locked up in the loony-bin, and this is all just my imagination!"

**"KID! Shut up for _five seconds_, and just listen! I am the Bombinomicon, and Merasmus is a wizard, and magic is real! How is that so hard for you to believe when you live with _those guys_?!"** Naruto scoffed.

"Yeah right! Magic isn't real!" The Bombinomicon gave Naruto a challenging look.

**"Oh really? Well, go ahead and ask your 'furry little friend' whether or not I exist?" **All of a sudden, Naruto's head nearly burst open from the volume of the Kyuubi's roar.

_**"I TOLD YOU TO NEVER CALL ME THAT, YOU **_**TWIT_!"_**

**"I haven't seen you in almost a millennia, and this is how you greet me? You really are a demon!" **Bombinomicon fake-sobbed.

"Wait... you two _know _each other?!"

**"Duh! He's a demon fox, I'm a demon book; we're _bound _to have met at least once since our creation!"**

_**"And not a day goes by where I don't regret it..."**_Kyuubi grumbled.

"...how do I know I'm not still hallucinating?" Naruto asked skeptically. The book rolled it's 'eyes'.

**"Well, I can tell you that your friend is named-"**

_**"DON'T YOU EVEN,**_** FUCKING-_"_**

**"-Kurama, of the Bijuu Tribe."**

_**"... I hate you, **_**SO _much, Bomb..."_**

"Kyuubi has a name?"

**_"Of COURSE I have a name! Do you honestly think I'm referred to only by the numbers of tails I hold?!"_**

"...do you want me to answer that honestly?" The connection between the boy and his burden was broken, most likely due to the fox going into a rage of some sort. "I think I pissed him off." Naruto stated to the book.

**"You get used to it after dealing with him for years..." **Bombinomicon sighed. Then he perked up. **"So! You're from the E.N, huh?"**

"The what-now?"

**"Elemental Nations? Please tell me I'm not being stupid here..."**

"Oh, don't worry, I am! Name's Naruto Uzumaki! _Hajimemashite_!" Naruto greeted, and the book was rather surprised.

**"I see the Uzumaki are still keeping the tradition of housing Kura-kun..."**

"'The' Uzumaki? But... but jiji told me he didn't know who my family was..."

**"He probably didn't; last I heard, the Uzumaki clan was completely destroyed, save for a few survivors. You might find some if you were to go back, but it's highly unlikely..." **Naruto sighed in depression.

"The closest I've ever been to finding my family... and they're all dead... My life sucks."

**"Sorry about it, kid. Maybe you could ask your 'jiji' the next time you see him."**

"Thank you, though! I've got something, which is closer than I've ever been before!"

**"Don't worry about it! Although, in return..."**

"Yes?"

**"Could you show me one of those ninja tricks? I haven't been to the E.N for years, and I wanna see how much you've improved!" **Naruto's smile fell from his face.

"That's... that's not possible..." Bombinomicon glared at the boy.

**"What?! Are you too weak?!" **Naruto, scowling at the book all the while, took off his shirt and put his back to the Bombinomicon.

"Take a good, long look! That's what happens to jinchuuriki like me; pain and suffering!" Naruto shouted. The Bombinomicon went silent, and remained so for a few seconds.

**"Wh-... How... Oh my Hades..." **Naruto whirled back around, seeing the shocked and disgusted expression on the book.

"The sealing itself? Or the method?"

**"BOTH! This is absolutely inhumane! And when a demon book tells you that, you _know _something's wrong!"**

"BOMBINOMICON! Who the _Hades _are you yelling at?!" A voice shouted from somewhere inside the house. The book turned itself towards the direction of the sound and shouted back.

**"WE HAVE A GUEST, IDIOT!" **Out of a random hallway, strode in a tall man wearing brown robes, and a ram(?) skull on his head.

"How could we possibly-... oh."

**"Yes, 'Oh!'. While you were busy doing your potions, which do _not _work by the way,** "Hey!" **the house teleported itself again! So, yeah... kid here decided that he wanted to check it out, he came in, I talked to him for a bit, and here we are now. Does that answer your question?" **The stranger knelt down in front of Naruto, and studied him closely.

"You're not... completely human, are you?"

"Um, you might be talking about Kyuubi when you say that..."

"_The _Kyuubi?! That's impossible! He's all the way in the- I'm shutting up! You don't need to know that!"

**"Merasmus, he's _from _the E.N! He knows all about it already! And, yes; he's the jinchuuriki for Kura-kun, so don't bother asking."**

"Is that why he has the tails?"

"I'm right _here_, you know! And, no; the tails are there for... a different reason..."

"How the _Hades _did you get here?! The house never teleports into the Nations! ...except for that _one time_-"

**"Yeah, he raises a good point, kid: How _did _you get here? Y'know, outside the E.N?"**

"Well, tou-san came to my village, he adopted me, and he brought me to join RED!"

"R-R-R-R-_RED_?!" Merasmus stuttered out in a panic. He bolted over to his window, and nearly fainted after confirming that, yes, he was within a hundred yards of _him_. "BOMBINOMICON! WE NEED TO LEAVE, _NOW_!"

"But... why?"

"I am NOT remaining here while that... that... disaster waiting to happen is anywhere near me!"

"Bombi... who's he talking about?" Naruto whispered to the book while Merasmus continued to rant.

**"I think he's talking about the RED Soldier. Also, 'Bombi'? Really?"** Naruto simply shrugged.

"'Bombinomicon' is too much of a mouthful for me."

**"...better than Kura-kun's 'Bomb' he calls me... In any case, I don't want to go yet, but he never listens to me. Mind giving it a shot?" **Naruto nodded in understanding, then turned to the panicking wizard.

"Um, Merasmus-san?"

"WHAT?!" Merasmus practically screamed.

"What if I just... keep Soldier away from here?"

...

...

Naruto skipped out of the RED base, smiling wide with anticipation. Dell watched him go, frowning in concern over what Naruto could possibly be up to. Soldier happened to be walking right past him, so Dell quickly grabbed his co-worker's attention.

"Solly... do ya know where Naruto keeps goin' to every day? He hasn't mentioned it t' me..."

"Oh! Well, he told me that I'm _never _supposed to go behind the base, because he's setting up a hoard of traps in case we have invaders. And I am _not _risking going back there to find out! You know what Naruto's 'traps' consist of..." Soldier broke off with a shudder, which Dell reciprocated in fear of Naruto's traps.

Naruto, meanwhile, was talking with Bombinomicon about how he met Kurama.

**"...and then, he glares at me with _that _glare, you know? And he tells me that if I don't start running, he's gonna-"**

_**"Why the**_** HELL _are you telling him about this?!"_**

**"Because he asked nicely. Now shut up, unless you want me to talk about the time you and I got mixed up with your sister over-"**

_**"SHUTTING UP! DON'T SAY ANYTHING MORE!"**_

**"Good. So, anyways, he tells me that if I don't start running, he's gonna..."**

...

...

"So, you're absolutely _positive _this can't be fixed?" Naruto asked dejectedly. Bombinomicon sighed in remorse.

**"Hate to say it, but yeah. There was this one guy _wayyy _back in the day, and he had a sealing matrix branded onto his back like you."**

_**"Wait, are you talking about-"**_

**"Yeah, him. Anyways, while it didn't lock up his tenketsu, like yours does, **"Don't remind me." **it prevented him from leaving the prison he was put in for until his time was served."**

"Why'd they do _that_?"

**"Well, this guy was, like, the demon of escape-artists. You could _not _keep this guy in a room for more than a day, no kidding."**

_**"Even with my Kitsune abilities of trickery, he always managed to escape them."**_

**"Yeah. So, I guess he got bored of escaping being his only claim to fame, so he started stealing. They caught him, after he tried to remove the Demon King's Crown from his head, and they sent him to the Demon Prison. Of course, he escaped; it's his shtick. Eventually, they got tired of it, and sealed him into place with ancient Demon Seals, and, being that he could just escape anything even with the sealing matrix on the room, they decided that the one thing he could _never _escape would be his own skin. And he couldn't. That would be the only thing that he could never escape."**

"So then, how does this tie into my original question?"

**"I'm _getting _to that, kid. When he served his time completely, they attempted to remove the brand from his back. Unfortunately, even the most skilled healers couldn't remove the scars the brand left, and there was always a white outline of the original matrix on his back. That meant the matrix was still in effect, and he couldn't leave even if they allowed it. So, they removed the matrix from the building, allowing him to leave. He still keeps the scars, and wears them as a sort of reminder, all in good humor."**

"So, even if Medic used his Medigun..."

**"...the matrix would still leave an imprint."**

"Crap... I was hoping there could still be a cure..."

**"So, is the locked tenketsu the reason you have three fox tails?"**

"Pretty much. I freaked out over seeing the BLU's Spy kill my dad, not knowing about the Respawn before then. So, I ended up using Kurama's chakra, but it couldn't escape my body while I was using it. To protect me from Chakra Overload, my body decided to... give me these, as a method for controlling the amount in my body. Also, Kurama decided that he won't draw it back in, just for spite." Naruto grumbled at the end of his story, and Bombinomicon laughed.

**"Yep! That's Kura-kun for ya!"**

_**"I regret nothing."**_

...

...

"Hey Naruto?"

"Yeah dad?"

"Where do ya keep goin' everyday after yer done wit' yer lessons?" Dell was determined to figure it out, in case Naruto was doing something that would get him in trouble.

"Oh, I'm going to Merasmus-san's house, and I'm hanging out with Bombinomicon!" Naruto replied brightly.

"...you _WHAT?!" _Dell practically screamed.

"Volume, please."

"How in th' name 'a Sam's Hill are they here?! _Now_?!"_  
_

"The house randomly teleports itself. I didn't care to delve much deeper into that explanation."

"But... but tha book! Y' can't read it, or it'll-"

"_HE_ already did that to Demo-san's eye; he couldn't do it to mine, even if he tried. On top of _that_, Kur-Kyuubi would probably kill him if he ever tried to possess me." Dell, luckily, ignored Naruto's speech blunder, in favor of freaking out over his son hanging out with a wizard and his demon book._  
_

"But...but...but..."

"Dad, if I was in _any _trouble, something would've gone wrong by now. Of course, that also means that Soldier can _not_ go back there. Merasmus would probably try to blow up the base if he did so. So, keep Soldier away, and I'll be fine." With that, Naruto skipped out the door, leaving his dumbstruck father behind.

"I swore off drinkin'... but I need whiskey, and I need it _now_," Dell sighed, feeling a headache coming on. He quickly went of Demo, hoping the Scotsman would spare a bottle of his Scrumpy.

...

...

"So, how does my dad know you two?"

**"Eh, well... Merasmus used to be a roommate with... um... that guy with the helmet who always screams about 'America!'"**

"Oh, you mean Soldier!"

**"Yeah. Anyways, he broke Merasmus' Wizard Staff (no idea why a wizard _needs _a staff), and Merasmus set the eye I possessed on the REDs. Before _that_, though, that cyclops drunk from the REDs-"**

"Demo."

**"Yeah, him. He came up to our house on All Hallow's Eve, and asked for work. So Merasmus set him to cleaning and dusting the library, after telling him to not read me. What does the kid do? He opens me up to take a looksie! So, I cursed him, and then Merasmus stole his eye so that I couldn't fully possess him."**

"Why do you even do that anyways?"

**"'Cuz the things I have in here, could _destroy the WORLD_! And since I kinda like this place, I'd rather not see it reduced to a blacked husk."**

_**"Psschh! You aren't that powerful; stop lying!"**_

**"I never said I was that powerful; I'm a book! The things I have written _inside _me, though... Oh boy, half of them end up destroying the planet, and the other half could... I'm not even going there. You'd try to look, and then I'd have to curse you."**

"I'm not gonna look! Don't you trust me more than that?"

**"Not that I don't trust _you_... I don't trust the greed of humans is all."**

_**"Tell me about it... The only reason I'm stuck here is because your 'oh-so-precious' Shodaime decided to capture me and my siblings and hand them out as a 'deterrent for war'. Bullshit if you ask me..."**_

"I'm not. But you make a good point..." Naruto admitted. "So... how come Merasmus never tried to kill Soldier before? He has to have the power! ...not that I'm saying he _should _kill Soldier..."

**"No, I understand. Well, in all honesty..." **The book hovered in closer, as if about to tell a secret. **"...Merasmus sucks at being a wizard."**

"I HEARD THAT!" Merasmus shouted from somewhere within the house.

**"YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! I HAVE TO FIX YOUR MISTAKES IN OVER _HALF _THE SPELLS YOU MAKE!" **The was silence from Merasmus' end, meaning the Bombinomicon won their little argument.

"Seriously?"

**"Not joking. He'll try to do a death curse on some random human, and he ends up making daisies sprout out of their ears, or causes them to think they're a chicken for a day." **Naruto blinked at the statement, not showing any emotion for several seconds. Soon, though, he (and Kurama) burst into laughter over the thought of a spell going _that _wrong.

"MAGIC IS NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE!" Merasmus yelled.

**"KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT!" **The book shouted right back.

"I'm gonna go now..." Naruto muttered, unwilling to get caught in a fight between a wizard (terrible as he may be) and a demon.

...

...

Naruto's fifth day at the wizard's house was not as pleasant as he was expecting.

Strike that; Soldier had found out about his old roommate, and proceeded to tell the rest of the team.

Who knew RED could hold such a grudge over the fight that happened a few years ago?

In any case, Naruto's visit was cut short as Spy quickly grabbed the boy and pulled him back around the corner, just as a stray bomb came flying past.

"What are you doing out here?!" Spy demanded. "Zhe warlock is in a frenzy, and he will kill you if you are in his sights!"

"Wait... you guys found out about him?!" Spy's eyes narrowed.

"You _knew _about him?! Why did you not say anything?!"

"'Cuz then I couldn't see Bombinomicon anymore! I promised Merasmus I'd keep you guys away if I could visit everyday to talk to Bombi... I guess he hates me now..."

"You... you talk to- We are having a _serious _discussion about zhis later... but for now, _back inside_!"

"You can't boss me-" Naruto stopped talking at the murderous glare Spy was giving him, and quickly turned around. "I'm going back inside..." Naruto headed back into the RED base, and found a window that showed the back of the building. As he watched Merasmus fighting the RED team, he noticed the wizard flinging his friend around, which sent bombs flying every which way. The team scattered in fright, not wanting to experience blowing up from the bombs, even with Respawn in play.

_"Well, it looks like Bombi is having fun... Does he normally spew out those black things?" _Naruto asked Kurama._  
_

_**"Those are bombs, for your information; why else do you think he'd be called the **_**Bomb_inomicon?"_**Naruto shrugged.

_"I dunno... why are you called Kurama?"_

**_"...I hate you."_**

_"You've made that clear on a regular basis. In fact, you are about an hour ahead of schedule in your Evening Death Threat."_

**_"...I really,_ really_, hate you."_**

...

...

After the battle was said and done (in which Merasmus took his house and left after getting beat up), the RED Team calmly interrogated Naruto on what the HELL HE WAS DOING HANGING OUT WITH A NECROMANCER AND A DEMONIC BOOK?!

The 'interrogation' lasted several hours, in which Naruto was forced to sit there and listen to each member of the team berate him for his foolishness and naivete.

In all honesty, Naruto could really give less of a shit.

"I've been visiting that house for the entire week, and not _one _bad thing happened to me. If I was in any danger, something would've happened before today... I was even friends with Bombinomicon, but, of course, you all just ruined that for me thanks to your little 'hissy fit' this afternoon!" He stomped away from the team in anger, and headed for his room where he slammed the door shut.

Normal kid stuff, right?

Nope. Naruto nearly broke the door-frame from the sheer force. The team of mercenaries jumped a little, seeing such a little kid have such strength... but then again, he had a demon sealed into his stomach.

They stood around awkwardly, unsure of what had happened.

"Do... do y'all think he's right?" Dell asked hesitantly.

"Wizard is bad man; almost hurt leetle племянник." Heavy stated with slight anger.

"Well... th' ankle-biter wasn't hurt 'n any way while he _was _there..." Sniper noticed.

"Zhat does not mean zhat zhey were not _planning _to hurt 'im." Spy argued.

"Mmt hrm hrrk hhz hzz hrrzt hhrnd..." Pyro interjected, with a sad tone.

"Can't hear ya, Py(1)." Pyro sighed, and unscrewed the filter on the mouth of his gas mask.

"The book was his first friend... outside of the team." With nothing more to say, Pyro walked off with his head bowed low.

...

..

.

Naruto spent the next few days mute. He refused to speak, even when asked a direct question. He focused on nothing but training, and remained silent the entire time. The only one to hear him speak was Dell, and that was only because Naruto had to repeat phrases in English, to show he understood the phrases. Other than that, he gave the team the silent treatment. And it got to them _hard_.

They felt guilty, obviously, but it hit Dell the hardest. A parent was supposed to support his kid, right? And yet he goes ahead and ruins his son's first relationship outside of the REDs, simply because he held a grudge against a wizard?

He felt like he failed as a parent.

So, as a means to apologize, Dell spent almost all of his free hours working on Naruto's prosthetic hand, determined to make it up to his son. Within a week, he had managed to get all the wiring complete for the hand, and started working on the cast that was to be directly attached to the wrist. The cast would receive all the signals from the nervous system, and translate it so that the hand would move how it was directed to. It was a delicate piece of machinery, but he'd done it before, and he'd do it again!

For his son.

* * *

_(Omake Start)_

...

..

.

Naruto and Scout's relationship had drastically improved after the 'Scout Hunt' incident. Or, to be more specific, after Dell got a face-full of his own dinner. The two had quickly bonded over their shared love of pranking...

...and oh, how hell descended on the rest of the team.

Scout's 'training sessions' with Naruto pretty much translated as their pranking time, in which no one on the base was safe from their stunts.

The more successful pranks involved filling up the refrigerator with 'Jarate' (which was actually jars of apple juice), and left them for Spy to find. The resulting argument between Spy and Sniper was a spectacle, especially with things coming to blows. The two still hadn't resolved the issue, and there was no way Scout ad Naruto were willing to explain things to them.

Another successful prank involved filling Demo's Scrumpy bottles with a hallucinogenic.

Everyone still refuses to talk about _that _situation.

Of course, while there were many good pranks pulled on the team, the duo had their fair share of failures.

Scout had managed to convince Naruto to steal Sasha from Heavy while the man was otherwise preoccupied. And while Naruto was given a stern talking-to later from Heavy (since Naruto was a child and had only done it once), Scout on the other hand...

...let's just say he visited Respawn a good amount that day.

The _worst _idea the two ever had involved Medic's favorite dove(2), Archimedes, a sticky-bomb, a plush bird, and filling said bird with jelly.

...

_(Flashback)_

...

"You _sure _this will work?" Naruto asked skeptically. Scout simply waved him off.

"Hey, I put enough jelly in da bird t'make sure it looks real, a'ight? You just need t'set off that bomb, 'kay squirt?" Naruto saluted his 'senpai', and the two returned to silently waiting in the rafters of the Infirmary. They didn't have to wait much longer, as Medic soon strode in, checking something on a clipboard. He glanced up for a moment, and did a double-take when he saw 'Archimedes' sitting next to a sticky-bomb.

"A-A-A-A-Archimedes! Get away from zhat-" Naruto pushed the remote detonator, and the sticky-bomb exploded, sending doll bits and jelly globs all over the room. Medic stood there in horrified silence for several seconds, until everything seemed to kick in.

"ARCHIMEDES!" Medic screamed in terror. Up above him, Naruto and Scout barely held in their laughter at Medic's reaction.

"'Kay, let's get ready..." Scout whispered, as he reached for the bird-cage behind him while continuing to watch Medic's reaction.

"How did- vhy did- _who _did- Noooononononononono..."Medic seemed to be slowly dissolving into a mess, making it hard for the duo above to remain silent as they watched. "Archimedes... WHYYYYYYY..." The distraught man soon collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor, and Naruto couldn't help but start to feel bad.

"Um, maybe we should get down there before-"

"...kill zhem all..." Scout and Naruto froze, stock-still, as Medic's words were processed. "...kill zhem... kill zhem... kill zhem... make zhem bleed... make zhem suffer... **make zhem pay for vhat zhey did to you**..." They stared at each other, panicking at Medic's homicidal plans. "...yes... turn off Respawn... all will die...** die... die... die...**" Both pranksters quickly reached behind them to bring out the real Archimedes, but gasped in horror at seeing the bird-cage wide open and empty.

"What happened?!" Naruto hissed quietly. Scout was too much in a daze to answer properly.

"T-the latch... I-I must'a hit it while I was grabbin' da cage... holy _shit_!" Scout whispered back.

**"You two... you killed my Archimedes, didn't you?" **A dark voice growled out from behind them. Both slowly turned their heads around, seeing Medic standing right behind them, Amputator in hand.

They did the logical thing: run out of the room, screaming their heads off.

After a few seconds, Medic laughed out loud, and looked down to the floor below him, stroking Archimedes' back as he did so.

"Ah, you may remove your Cloak now, _Herr _Spy." A doppleganger of the German suddenly faded into view, laying down in a heap. The man quickly got to his feet, and removed his disguise of the Medic. Spy chuckled at the duo's earlier reactions to his performance._  
_

"I say, it eez about time zhose two got what zhey deserve."

"I'm only glad you let me know vhat zhose two vere up to before I came in; I might actually have reacted zhe same vay." Both men laughed together for a moment, Archimedes coo-ing his own happiness.

"...you wouldn't _really _have done zhat, would you?" Medic gave the Frenchman a grim smile, and walked away. "...Medic?"

...

...

"So, let me get this straight: y'all decided to blow up a fake of one 'a Medic's birds, after fillin' it with jelly, in hopes of scaring the Bejeezus out'a him. And now, y'all managed to set him off on a homicidal rampage because 'a yer actions." Naruto, half-sobbing half-trembling, cried out.

"I'M SORRY DADDY! SCOUT SAID I NEEDED TO LEARN ABOUT PUNS!" Dell looked over at Scout for clarification.

"Okay, Hard-hat, this was _not _how things were sapposed t'go; we'd do all'a that, and then we were gonna come in with da bird in a cage, and say 'Hey Doc! We heard you were feelin' down, so we came 'ere to...' Wait for it... '...GIVE YOU DA BIRD!'" Scout cracked up at his own 'cleverness', while Naruto was too busy fearing Medic's wrath to laugh. "...of course, that was before we lost da bird, so I dunno what to do now..." Dell looked between the two for a minute, and sighed before putting his head in his hand.

"Naruto... you are _not _allowed to 'train' with Scout anymore."

_(End Omake)_

* * *

**Well, now that this is complete, I'm rather happy with the length!**

**Did you guys enjoy the first Omake of mine? The basic ideas for it came from Susie, an artist on Tumblr! Her page is here: **

**Now, I don't want anyone complaining about how 'Kurama is a mass of chakra, not a demon!', because... guess what? **

**I don't care!**

**Kurama is a demon in this! Because I say he is! And he shall remain so! No exceptions!**

**Because, like, doesn't it seem funny that Bombinomicon is calling Kurama 'Kura-kun'?!**

**Also, don't ask about Bombi and Kurama's adventures together,or the 'demon of escape artists' thing. If I decided to write one-shots off of them, then I will. Nothing for now, though.**

**A.N. TIME!:**

**(1): Reference to an older Disney movie; kids at least 15 know what I'm talking about**

**(2): Are they doves, or are they pigeons? I can't remember...**

**So, yeah. Halloween is almost here, but I think I'm gonna post this chapter early. I'd rather start on the newest chapter as soon as possible.**

**ALSO: This chapter isn't really a plot advancement all that much; more like a filler chapter. While everything did happen, and will remain that way, Bomb and Merasmus _might _get another chapter. Maybe next Halloween? Maybe when I feel like it? Who knows?**

**Until next time!**

**~_Kage Musha_**


	7. The Mercs' Days Off

**Alright readers! I've gotten about 1,250 visitors to this story~! **

**That's awesome! But let's try and make it 2,000 readers, okay? Try and spread the word, because more readers means more reviews. And more reviews means I write faster! **

**REVIEWS IS MY SALARY; DON'T DENY ME MY SALARY**

**R&amp;N: That doesn't even make sense...**

**KM: IT DOES IF YOU'RE AN ARTIST!**

**R: You haven't even gotten yourself a real job yet!**

**KM: ...Anyways. I don't own TF2 or Naruto, so no copyrights allowed.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Naruto sat up in bed, a little more used to the alarms by now, yet nowhere close to tuning out the noise. He yawned and rubbed his eyes, waiting for the alarms to cease the constant blaring. Luckily, he only had to wait another minute before they turned off.

Once the lights and sound stopped, Naruto got out of bed and quickly dressed himself. His outfit for today was a white shirt with the familiar spiral, that he lived with since his childhood, on the chest, some navy cargo pants that managed to stretch down to his ankles, and a red jacket with a black flame design around the bottom that caught his eye while he was shopping with his dad. Slipping on his sandals (he _refused _to wear close-toed shoes; they felt wrong on his feet), he walked out of his bedroom to see his father standing there, waiting for him.

"Good t'see yer up, Naruto! Let's get some breakfast before I head off fer th' day, 'kay?" Naruto nodded, though a little more hesitant this time. "I've also got somethin' t' talk about with you 'n the rest of th' team, so let's eat fast." Father and son walked into the kitchen, where they quickly ate their meals of oatmeal and juice. The rest of the team walked in at different times to do the same, though Dell made sure each of them would head to the Conference Room for a quick discussion before the battle started.

Finally, the crowd was gathered.

"Alright, y'all... I've been workin' on a new 'safe room', if y'please, for Naruto, so that he don't get any... _surprises_... while he's waitin' for us t' win." The REDs shared a common grimace at the memory of Naruto's last little 'surprise' from the BLU Spy. "Unfortunately... it's nowhere _near _complete, which means Naruto's gonna be vulnerable t' attacks..."

"What is solution, then?" Heavy asked.

"Well... I ran it by The Administrator first, and she's okay with it, so y'all are just gonna have t' deal. What I had in mind, is that, in a rotation, one 'a us is gonna stay with him for tha day... which means, yer gonna stay outta the fight." There were several protests from the REDs (mainly Scout, Soldier, and Demo), but the rest accepted it with grace... except for-

"Vhat about me?!" Medic yelled. "You vouldn't last ten minutes out zhere if I am not zhere healing you!"

"Are you callin' us weak?!" Scout demanded.

"No, Herr Scout. I'm calling _you _a _Dummkopf_!"

"Hey, how's about you fix your jaw after I-"

"ENOUGH!" The group jumped in surprise, as Dell roared at the bickering duo. "Medic _will not _be in th' rotation. Like he said, he's too valuable to keep him in th' base. So quit yer yappin'!"

"...Danke."

"No problem... Now then..." Dell put eight slips of paper, with eight different emblems on them, inside a little can, which he then proceeded to stir about for a few seconds. "...first up is... Scout."

No one, save for Scout and Naruto, was pleased with that statement.

"Hey, yeah little bud! Don't worry; I'm gonna take ya to this wicked joint down in Teufort! The wings are hot, but the babes are-" "REDRAW!" eight voices yelled at the same time. Engineer tossed away the slip with Scout's emblem on it, and drew another one. "...Spy?"

"WHAT?!" Three different voices cried out in disbelief.

...

..

.

_(Spy's Day Off)_

Spy ended up having the same idea as Scout, in that he decided to take Naruto out of the base for the day. What city the teleporter actually sent them to... Spy had no clue. They walked out of the totally inconspicuous room, located down a totally inconspicuous alleyway, and ended up at the edge of a _very _conspicuous street. _  
_

"TAXI!"

"Have you seen the production of 'Wicked' at the Broadway Theater yet? I heard it's _amazing_!"

"HOTDOGS! GET YER HOTDOGS HERE!"

"Are we going to the Central Park today, dear?"

Ah... Manhattan Island.

"Wow! What _is _this place?!" Naruto asked, eyes wide as he looked at everything around him.

"We happen to be in New York City today. Why we were sent _here_... I do not know."

"Can we go to that Park place? I want to go to a park!" Spy looked down at the little boy.

"...fine. But, you will have to find someone else to play with you. Do you understand?" Naruto stared back at the masked man, and the Spy couldn't help but cringe a little at the look of of sheer loneliness the boy was giving him.

"I... I understand, Spy..."

...

...

"...Naruto?"

"Yes Spy?"

"Why were you playing by yourself zhe entire time?" Naruto sighed sadly. He and Spy were sitting on a bench in the middle of Central Park somewhere. They still had two hours before the battle was _definitely _over for the day, and neither had any more ideas on what to do. So,they talked

"I've... never been good at making friends... Mostly because all the kids in Konoha would stay away from me because their parents told them to. But the kids here think my arm is 'creepy', so they don't want to play with me."

"I... see..."

"No, you really don't. But that's okay; I'm glad you took me to the park anyways!" Naruto put on a smile for the older man, who couldn't help but grin back slightly.

...

...

...

"...Spy?"

"Oui?"

"I'm hungry."(1)

...

..

.

_(Heavy's Day Off)_

"YAAAAYYYYY! I get oji-san today!" Naruto cheered. Heavy swooped his nephew up into a hug, and the two quickly left the Conference Room to go spend their day together.

The rest of the team stared at the duo's exit, feeling slightly uneasy.

"Is it just me... or does it feel like we're gonna get creamed today?" Scout asked bluntly.

...

...

"We're going to a park again?" Naruto asked rather warily. Heavy nodded.

"_Da_. Leetle Spy told me that you played by self yesterday, so Heavy will take you to new park. We keep looking, until you find friend."Naruto sighed.

"I dunno about this, oji-san..."

"папа always say, 'Miss all shots you do never take.' Heavy suggests leetle племянник give another shot."

"...alright. Where are we going?"

"You tell Heavy; where did leetle Spy take племянник yesterday?"

...

...

The REDs slowly shuffled into the base, exhausted and upset over today's performance without Heavy to back them up.

"Remind me t' take Heavy out'a th' rotation..." Engineer grumbled to the rest of the team, receiving several affirmative grunts in response.

"Or you could just build zhe saferoom faster," Medic commented snidely.

"I've been workin' on it as much as I can after every battle!" Dell snapped back.

"Vell, it's obviously not _fast enough_!" With that, the entire ensemble of REDs started bickering with one another over the safe room, and Dell's questionable work ethic.

Of course, Heavy and Naruto chose that exact moment to walk in the door.

"Dad! Me and oji-san are home~!" Naruto crowed out happily. No one seemed to notice the two enter, however, being as they were too busy arguing with one another. "Dad? HellOOOO?!" Still not receiving any response, he turned to Heavy with a pleading look. Heavy snorted with irritation as he watched the rest of his team, and decided that enough was enough.

"**_заткнись!_**" Heavy roared(2), making everyone except for himself jump with a start.

Instant silence, as the mercs finally seemed to notice Naruto and Heavy standing right next to them.

"Heavy and leetle племянник had good day today, and Heavy will NOT let day end on bitter note! Stop fighting like leetle babies!" The rest of the REDs quickly separated, and muttered blames on one another with various forms of guilt. "Heavy does not _care _who started fight; you all shut up or Heavy starts рвать языки!" Naruto seemed to whiten a little at the translation his headphones gave him.

"Ummm... what does 'erevat iziki' mean?" Scout asked hesitantly.

"Said it wrong, idiot... means 'ripping out tongues.'"

There was never a faster exodus in the history of the base until that day.

Almost instantly, the only three in the room were Naruto, Heavy, and Dell.

Dell cleared his throat awkwardly.

"So... what did y'all do t'day, Naruto?" Naruto's eyes lit up with pure joy.

"Heavy-oji took me to a park today, okay? Like what Spy did yesterday, except _this _time, I made a friend! And we played for a while, but then he had to go home. And then Heavy took me to this... place... What was it called again, oji-san?"

"Rock-fella Center... Heavy thinks..."

"Yeah! And then he taught me how to 'ice-skate' while we were there, and it was really fun even though I fell down a bunch of times!" Dell looked up at the bigger man in surprise.

"You know how t' skate?"

"Heavy is from Russia."

"...yeah?"

"It is silly for any Russian to _not _know how to skate." Dell winced in embarrassment.

"So, yeah... Today was a good day!" Naruto finished happily.

"That's good!" Dell ruffled Naruto's hair, and smiled down at him. "Why don't you go run along, and I'll get you in time for dinner, okay?" Naruto nodded, and ran off to his room. Heavy turned to walk out as well, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"You promise me that you kept him safe, yeah?"

"Heavy did, leetle Engie."

"And was that 'friend' 'a his nice t' him?"

"Heavy assumed so while watching." Dell nodded in understanding.

"...Thank you."

"Is no problem, брат. Heavy happy to help."

"No, I mean... fer jus' _bein' _there fer him. I might'a only known him fer a short time longer than th' rest 'a y'all, but he deserves a break fer _once _'n his life..."

"Heavy understands, брат; maybe better than most. Again, though, Heavy was happy to help." Heavy walked out of the room, and Dell quickly headed over to the safe room.

He had to agree with Medic on that point; he needed to work faster.

...

..

.

_(Soldier's Day Off)_

Soldier and Naruto stared at each other for several seconds, neither moving as they analyzed each other.

"Uh, are you two gonna go or somethin'? You're kinda... creepin' me out right now..." Scout said.

"Once I figure out why _he's _staring at _me_!" Naruto snapped back without breaking eye contact.

"I KNOW _EXACTLY _WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO TODAY, KID!" Soldier suddenly yelled out happily. He suddenly grabbed the boy's hand, and yanked him right out of the room.

"I'm not anticipating zheir return..." Spy sighed.

"You feel it too, huh?" Dell asked, receiving a nod in response. He sighed worriedly. "Somethin's gonna go _horribly _wrong today..."

...

...

"Behold the glory!" Soldier exclaimed proudly. Naruto stared at the spectacle in front of him.

"...what is it?" Soldier face-vaulted at Naruto's question, and came back up spluttering with pure anger.

"You-I mean-I can't believe-THIS IS THE GREATEST MUSEUM IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!" Soldier finally managed to get out.

"What's a museum?" Naruto asked innocently. Soldier was about to yell at the kid again, then processed what he said.

"...oh. Well kid, a museum is a place where people can see history in person."

"Why would anyone do that?"

"Because, people who forget history are doomed to repeat it! So, people come here to study our past for different reasons!"

"...I still don't get it. Why are we here again?!" Soldier sighed, and knelt down to talk with the kid eye-to-eye.

"Alright, here's the deal: I am interested in... acquiring a relic within the museum. Unfortunately, I've been banned, and I can't enter for the rest of my life."

"But isn't that _steeealing_?" Naruto accused adorably.

"No! Possibly. Well, maybe... Yes."

"Then I'm not helping!"

"I'll give you free ramen for a month."

"What are we doing out here then?! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Relics don't steal themselves!" Naruto ordered as he started pulling Soldier to the museum entrance.

_'I think... I did a good thing bringing him here...' _Soldier thought to himself proudly.

...

...

_(Meanwhile, in the Team Fortress Battlefield...)_

Dell was fixing up a sentry that was nearly destroyed, when he suddenly felt a chill go down his back.

_'Oh dear god... Somethin' is NOT right...'_

He later forgot about the chill, due to the BLU Spy backstabbing him without alerting the sentry.

...

...

"Hello! Welcome to the American Warfare Museum(3)! How may I-" The man in the ticket booth broke off after studying Soldier's face for a moment. His eyes widened, as he remembered the man from two months prior. "Y-y-y-you! W-why are you h-here?! You were b-b-banned after the incident!" Soldier put a hand on Naruto's head, and ruffled the boy's hair.

"Well... my little nephew here wanted to go see the museum (takes after me like that), but his dad was busy with... ummm... stuff! Yeah, so, I don't want to break the news that he can't go in, ya know?" Soldier leaned forward to mutter to the man out of Naruto's hearing. "He's got a temper on him~" Soldier sing-songed to the terrified man. The booth man leaned over to look at the boy, who smiled up at him with an pleading smile.

Of course, that turned to a creepy smile when Naruto's irises suddenly turned red, and his teeth almost seemed to instantly sharpen into fangs.

"EEEP!" The man leapt backwards out of fear, and waved the two on while he crouched below the window. "Okay! Okay! You can go in! Free of charge! I won't even tell anybody! Just please don't hurt meeee!" The booth man started to sob with fear, and Soldier and Naruto chose that time to quickly slip inside.

...

...

"Kid, I dunno what you did, but you made that guy nearly crap his pants!" Soldier laughed. Naruto laughed along as well, even though he had no idea what Soldier was talking about.

"Yeah... so, um... 'little nephew?'" Soldier looked down at the kid beside him confusedly, until he remember his earlier threats.

"Oh! Well... um... sure! I mean, I'm not that close to Engie, but-" Naruto launched himself into the older man's arm happily.

"Doesn't matter, oji-san! Now, let's go... do whatever it is we do in museums!"

"Actually, we're already at our goal." Naruto looked up to see a giant cannon in front of him.

"A cannon. You wanted to steal a giant, heavy cannon from a museum." Naruto deadpanned.

"It is not just a 'cannon'! It is a Howitzer cannon from the American Revolution(4); one of the greatest events in our nation's history!" Soldier defended himself.

"...it's just a cannon."

"Psschhh! Let's see if it's still 'just a cannon' when I'm using it to wake all your sorry asses up each morning!"

"In that case, I'm not sure if I should still be helping you..."

"Free ramen for a year."

"What's the plan?"

"Alright... Operation C.A.N.N.O.N (Cunningly Acquire New iNstrument Of Noise) is now in effect! Here's how it works: First off, you got me inside. Then we need to find a disguise for the both of us. Next, we load up the cannon into a crate, and finally skedaddle outside to the teleporter with it. It's foolproof!"

_(One hour later)_

"Excuse me... what are you doing?" Soldier looked up to see a security guard watching him load up the cannon into a crate, while Naruto sat off to the side in a maintenance suit five sizes to big.

"We... ummm... we are loading up the cannon to bring it to another museum!" Soldier lied quickly.

"But... this has been here for a decade at least! Why are we moving it?"

"Look, buddy, we don't make the rules around here; we just follow them. Now, I'd rather not tell the curator that I couldn't finish my job today because security wouldn't let me pack up the cannon, and I don't think _you _do either! So, how about you go on your merry way, you do your job and I do mine, and everyone wins. Capice?" The guard nodded slowly, and walked off while keeping a suspicious eye on the two. Once he was out of sight, Soldier breathed a sigh of relief.

"Whew... that was close... Alright, let's just finish up here, and-"

"FREEZE!" Soldier whirled around to see five different guards pointing tazers at him. Now, he'd normally realize when he's beat and just walk away, but then he saw a guard grab Naruto a little too roughly. When Naruto pulled away in fear, the guard slapped him.

Soldier saw nothing but red until he was in the jail cell.

...

...

Dell sighed tiredly as he and the team went back into the base for the night. With Heavy back, the day had been easier for them, but Soldier's absence made it only just a little. He started towards the hallway of rooms, when the telephone in the lounge started ringing.

Scout, being the eager little child he never grew out of, leapt for the phone to answer it. Spy picked it up instead after decloaking, and Scout fell to the floor in disappointment.

"_Bonjour. Puis-je vous aid-_... Erm, _oui_. I can put _ton père _on..." Spy held out the phone to Dell apprehensively. "_Por tu_." Dell grabbed it just as hesitantly, and held it up.

"Erm... Howdy?"

_*Hi dad. So, um, Soldier took me to a museum today, and he used me to get inside, and then he told me the C.A.N.N.O.N. Plan of his, and then we stole two uniforms, and then we tried to steal a... Witzer cannon? And then this guard told oji-san to stop, but Soldier tricked him, but the guy brought his friends to help arrest Soldier, and then one of them hit me, and oj_i-san_ tried to kill the guy, and then there was this huge fight between him and security, and then they called in police, and then I think they talked about calling in the National Guard (whatever_ that _is...),__ but then Soldier went down and he got arrested, and now he's in jail in... what jail is this again? ...Oh, we're in Washington D.C., they said. So, Soldier's in jail there, and I'm stuck here too even though I'm not arrested, and I can't leave until you come get me._

_Oh, and can you bring food? Oj_i-san_ keeps breaking the guards' arms whenever they try to feed us. Bring a sandwich.* _The phone clattered to the ground, as Dell dropped the phone in his state of paralyzing shock. _*...hello? ...Dad? Are you still there? ... I'd really appreciate a sandwich right about now!*_

"Ummm... Engie? You okay man?" Dell fell over backwards, and fainted. Scout walked up to the dangling phone warily, and held it up. "Um... hi?"

_*Oh, is that you Scout?*_

"Hey! Little bro! What're you doin' on da phone?" Scout asked with a smile.

_*Well... Soldier got arrested in Washington D.C. Can you bring food?* _Scout's smile slowly fell from his face, and the rest of the team finally figured out what the problem seemed to be. They all groaned in annoyance, and pinched the bridge of their noses.

"Soldier is off zhe roster." Medic sighed in exasperation.

Scout fainted as well, leaving the phone dangling yet again.

_*...hello? ...Seriously guys! I'm starving!*_

...

..

.

_(Pyro's Day Off)_

"Pyro?"

"Hmmm?"

"...what were them bright lights comin' from behind th' base?"

"Hrrdah hrrrah."

"Okay... and the loud bangs that were definitely _not _gunshots?"

"Hmmm... huddah hrr hmmm."

"And iffin' I asked Naruto, he'd say th' same?" Pyro chuckled nervously, and rubbed the back of his head.

"Hmmm, hhhrrree?"

"'Maybe'? It's either yes, or no; which is it?"

"Hey Daddy?" Dell quickly turned around to face his son with a smile on his face.

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Do people here normally set off fireworks in the day? My village always did it at night, so I was kinda confused when-" Naruto looked over Dell's shoulder, his eyes widened, and he shut up quickly. Dell stared at his son suspiciously.

"'...confused when'... what?"

"Nothing!" Dell's eyes narrowed. His mind moved a thousand miles an hour, until it came to the conclusion that...

"...PYRO!" Dell turned around to yell at the masked man, but the pyrotechnician had mysteriously vanished. "YOU GIT BACK HERE 'N TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!" Dell roared as he ran off into the base. Naruto blinked as he watched his father go.

"...should I not mention the fire we started?"

...

..

.

_(Sniper's Day Off)_

"Keep steady... eyes on th' prize... fire when rea-"

"It'd be easier to concentrate if you'd stop _talking_," Naruto retorted snidely. Sniper chuckled lightly as he watched his companion aim the rifle. Both man and boy were currently sitting within the vast plains of Australia, hunting rifles at the ready. Currently, Naruto was dealing with taking down a deer, due to Sniper's belief that he wasn't ready for anything that could fight back if it wanted to. The herd they were currently stalking was grazing near a river (a lucky find for the herd), upwind from the two humans' current location.

Naruto was focused on a single deer, quite larger than the others, that seemed brave (or stupid) enough to graze a good distance from the rest of the herd, right next to the river itself.

His finger inched closer to the trigger...

...***BANG***...

The lone deer dropped like a rock.

The rest of the herd scattered quickly, their basic fear instincts kicking in and telling them to bolt. Within seconds, the field was vacant save for the injured deer.

"Holey Dooley, kid! Ya did good wit this one!" Sniper praised.

"I... I got it?" Naruto asked, stunned. Sniper clapped him on the back good-naturedly.

"'Course ya did, tyke! Let's go get yer prize!" Sniper got up and made his way to the deer, Naruto following close behind. They soon came to the downed creature, that was still breathing shallowly despite the hole in it's chest. Sniper studied it with a frown.

"Hmmm... seems it was a lung shot..."

"Shouldn't it have died?" Naruto asked.

"Not really... Kill shots are tha heart, spine, 'n brain. Right now, it's lungs are fillin' up with blood, and it'll die soon, but... as hunters, we choose to not let our prey suffer loike this." With that, Sniper stabbed his Kukiri right into the heart of the deer, killing it instantly. He wiped his brow with the back of his hand. "Alroight... Let's bring this back t' tha base-" Sniper froze, as he saw Naruto staring into the river. Staring at a log.

"Hey Sniper-san? Do logs normally fight the currents like that?" Sniper paled drastically.

"Naruto..." he started carefully. "...do you remember where tha teleporter's hidden?" Naruto remained still, understanding the seriousness of the situation.

"Underneath a rock that looks like a dog, right?" he asked.

"Yeah... When I tell ya t' run... you run _roight to it _without looking back. D'you understand?"_  
_

"Sniper-san... what is going on?"

"_Do you understand?!_" Naruto nodded in reply, as the 'log' drifted closer and closer to him. "...GO! NOW!" Naruto scrambled to his feet and ran in the direction of their entry point, just as the river exploded behind him.

Out came a gigantic crocodile, at least 15 feet in length with jaws wide and aiming for Naruto.

"OH NO YOU _DON'T_!" Sniper yelled, as he quickly tackled the beast to the side and away from Naruto. He attempted to pin the reptile to the ground, but it's squirming and snapping made it extremely difficult. Naruto, seeing Sniper wrestling with the giant croc, turned back in a foolish attempt to help. "NO, NARUTO! YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO THE BASE, NOW!" Sniper ordered amidst his struggling. Naruto stopped in his tracks, tears in his eyes. "Don't worry 'bout me, kid..." Sniper grinned. "This ol' lizard ain't gettin' tha best 'a me!" Naruto sniffled.

"Don't you dare lose, Sniper-san! I won't ever forgive you if you lose to that overgrown salamander!" Naruto promptly turned on his heel and ran for the teleporter, crying all the while. Sniper watched the boy until he was out of sight, then turned his attention back to the crocodile.

"Y'hear that, scum? Th' little ankle-bitah doesn't want me tah lose. I'd rather not disappoint!"

...

...

Naruto fell out of the teleporter, and face-planted into the floor.

He didn't even attempt to get up, instead remaining where he was and crying his heart out.

This was the position Dell found his son in an hour later.

"Naruto!" Dell cried worriedly, as he ran over to quickly check him over. "What happened?! Are you hurt?! Where's Sniper?!" Naruto gave a little sniffle as he tried to get his tears under control.

"H-h-h-hunting...c-crocodile... and S-sniper stayed to protect me, and I don't know what happened to him!" Naruto broke into a fresh peal of sobs. Dell hugged the boy comfortingly, attempting to quiet his sobs.

"It's alright Naruto... Sniper lived 'n tha Outback for years on his own, survivin' with nothin' but his knife. He knows how t' take care 'a himself out there."

"B-but that crocodile was twice his size!" Naruto protested anxiously. The teleporter started swirling, suddenly, as it powered up once more. Out popped the crocodile Sniper had been fighting, causing little Naruto to shriek in fear. Dell pulled his son close to his chest, and he retreated to the opposite wall. It took him a moment to realize that the reptile wasn't moving an inch. The teleporter suddenly powered up again, and Sniper stepped off with the smuggest grin on his face.

"HA! Told ya that lizard wasn't gettin' tha best o' me!" Sniper crowed. Naruto stared at the man in disbelief for a few seconds, before he launched himself at Sniper and started beating his little fists against the Aussie's legs.

"You... you stupid, _stupid, STUPID_-" Naruto berated the elder. Sniper chuckled abashedly._  
_

"Kid, I've beaten crocs _twoice _that bugger's soize! This was cakewalk!"

"...stupid, stupid, stupid..." Naruto continued to cry with relief.

"Welp! Looks loike we're havin' Crocodile Soup tonight!"

...

..

.

_(Engineer's Day Off)_

Naruto walked into Dell's tool shed (located around the back of the base), took the nail gun, and left.

He came back ten minutes later, picked up the drill, and departed.

He returned once more, sighed in annoyance, then took almost everything that resembled a tool and put it in a spare wheelbarrow in the corner before wheeling it out.

He rolled it through the base until he came upon a room with no door, which he entered, then promptly dumped the contents on the floor in front of his father. Dell started in shock, and Naruto glared at him cutely.

"Next time you ask for a jackhammer, automatically _assume_ I have no clue what a jackhammer _is_!" Naruto scolded. Dell blinked, as he suddenly realized that his son was correct.

"Oh... oh, jeez... Ah'm sorry, Naruto... I keep forgettin' ya don't know what half'a this junk _does_," Dell replied. Naruto plopped down onto the floor, cross-legged.

"It's fine... Just don't do it again." Dell sighed as he returned to his task at hand, which involved setting up the saferoom's wiring. It may have been his day off, but he couldn't afford to spend it not working on the room. He promised Naruto every day off after this would focus on the boy, but he _really _needed to get this finished before the rest of the team tried to kill him.

He was able to appease them, today, by giving them a limited quantity of mini-sentries that would deploy at the push of a button. Unfortunately, no one could fix them, so they would run out relatively quick.

Luckily, the room was almost complete, besides setting up all the electrical appliances and placing the doors in their frames. Not to mention furnishing the room to make the kid comfortable during the long day.

"Screwdriver." Naruto handed him a wrench, and Dell looked at it confusedly before remembering his earlier conversation with his son. He sighed. "Alright... how 'bout I start teachin' ya mah trade?"

"Trade? Like, I give you something, then you give me something?"

"No, like... how I do mah work."

"Oh! Like, how to make things?"

"Exactly. 'Course, it'll be difficult to get at firs'..."

"I can do it!" Naruto stated, determinedly. Dell grinned, amused.

"I know ya can... So! First off, this 'ere is a drill. We use it to..."

...

..

.

_(Demo's Day Off)_

"So, what's Mini-Golf?" Naruto asked. Demo snorted.

"S'not _real _golf, boyo... Ya jus' ain't allowed on tha pro green 'cuz 'a yer age," Demo replied.

"You still didn't answer my question..."

"Fake golf is where ya putt tha ball intah tha holes. Ya wont ta do it wit' tha least amount 'a strokes, tho. We tally up tha strokes in th' end, and whoever has tha lowest score wins!" Naruto scratched his head in confusion.

"That doesn't make a lot of sense... I mean, don't you normally want the highest score possible to win?"

"Not in golf! Look, I'll teach ya as we go along. Savvy?" Naruto nodded, and the two entered the Mini-Golf course.

...

...

"Uhhh...what're ya doin', boyo?" Naruto was crouched down next to the ball, huffing and puffing away.

"*Huff*... I'm trying...*hehh*... to get... *huff*... the ball... *huff*... in the hole!" Naruto gasped.

"Well, yerr cheatin' ya know!" Naruto stood up angrily.

"Oh, _really_? Where does it say in the rulebooks that I can't do that?" Demo raised a finger to argue, but stopped before he could say anything.

"...huh... I actually don' even know if tha's a rule..."Naruto grinned triumphantly.

"See? Now, let me get this in the hole, and we can go to the next one."

"'Course, if ya keep doin' that, I'll charge extra putts on ya sco'ecard."

"That's _cheating_!"

...

...

"Erm... hello?"

_*Hi... ummm, it's me again... Sooo, Demo decided halfway through minigolf that he wanted a drink, and got _reeeeally _drunk. Next thing I know, he's missing a grenade, and the fountain in the middle of the course explodes. So, because he was the only one with explosives with him, Demo got arrested too. We're in a prison in... erm... San Fransisco? Yeah... that's where we are... These guys aren't police, though. I think they call themselves the FBI or something?_

_You don't need to worry about food this time, though. Demo's passed out, so he's not attacking the guards. Either way, it's boring here.*_

***THUMP***

_*...Dad? Did you faint again?*_

...

..

.

_(Scout's Day Off)_

"Alright, squirt! I'm gonna teach ya how ta play da best game ever invented! BASEBALL!" Naruto stared up at his 'older brother' blankly.

"Ummm... say what now?" Scout gasped in horror.

"You... you don't know what baseball _is_?!" Naruto shook his head.

"Nope." Scout frowned in determination.

"Alright then... TO THE BATTING CAGE!" He marched off to the teleporters, Naruto trailing behind him while cheering.

...

...

"If ya wanna be da best at the cages, ya gotta hit da ball!" Naruto struggled to lift the bat with his one hand.

"Scout... how am I supposed to hit _anything _like this?" he whined. Scout sighed.

"Just... do that, yeah." Naruto now had the bat balancing on his right wrist, while his left hand kept it steady. "Alright, let 'er _rip_!" Scout cheered. The batting machine charged up to shoot out a ball, getting louder and louder with each passing second as the balls swirled about in the container.

A single ball sailed out gently, and was bunted away by Naruto, who didn't even move.

Both boys stared at the ball as it slowly rolled away.

"Well, _that _was lame... Whoever used dis cage b'fore us was a complete wuss. Try adjustin' da speed higher." Naruto nodded, and started forward before a thought came to him.

"Wait, I thought I was supposed to hit the ball... Why am I making it harder for myself?"

"Because there's no skill in hittin' a slow target." Naruto scoffed at the Bostonian.

"You try doing this with one hand, and let's see how _you _like it." He reached the batting machine, and began fiddling with the dials on the remote.

"Cry me a river, squirt. It ain't changin' the fact that you suck at-WAH!" Scout jumped to the side mid-sentence, as a 90-miles-per-hour baseball came shooting out of the machine. Naruto blinked in surprise, and hit a button on the remote. Another ball came flying at Scout, who barely dodged in time.

Naruto smirked.

"Oh, I think I like this game now." Scout glared at his kid brother.

"Ohhhh no. Don't you even think 'bout it. Just step away from da machine..." Naruto gave an evil grin that would make even Kurama proud as the machine began to whir ominously.

Naruto pressed the same button multiple times, forcing Scout to dodge or be hit by the speeding baseballs.

"C'mon Scout! Move faster!" Naruto taunted. "There's no skill in hitting a slow target!" Just as he finished saying that, a lucky baseball scored a direct hit on the Bostonian's left eye.

***SMACK***

"Oooohoohoo! Direct hit!" Naruto laughed. In his amusement, he stopped pressing the button, giving Scout a moment to process what just happened to him. He growled once he finally caught up with his surroundings.

"_So_... Ya wanna play hardball, ya little punk?!" He pulled out his lucky, aluminum, baseball bat, and glared at the blonde. "Oh, we can play hardball..." Naruto pressed the button again, but was met with less amusing results. Instead, Scout swung at the projectile and scored a direct hit.

Unfortunately, the ball rebounded directly into Naruto's face.

"BWAH!"

"Oh crap. Oh crap! Oh _crap_!"

...

...

_(Several Hours and Two Ice-packs Later...)_

_*Where are you two?! Why aren't y'all back yet?!* _Dell demanded over the phone.

"Calm down, Hardhat! We'll be back at da base soon... like, _real _soon. Ya don't even have'ta worry! Jus'... jus' stay in yer little toolshed for until I c'n get ta tha Doc..."

_*...what did you do?* _With Dell, the calm tone was always a sign that he was ready to explode. Scout swallowed nervously.

"Uh... n-nothin' happened! Jus' took tha squirt out for ice-cream after I hit-I MEAN, after we spent tha day together! Away from you bozos! ...hehe..."

_*Now you listen to me, and you listen _good_. You bring mah son back here NOW. And if anythin' happened ta him, I will _gut you_. I will snap your legs off, and beat you over tha head with'em. I will rip you to pieces, and throw all the tiny little bits out to th' vultures! I SWEAR, I WILL-*_

Scout slammed the phone back into the receiver._  
_

...

...

_(At the RED Base in Teufort)_

"-DROP YOU IN THA MIDDLE OF A LANDMINE, AND MAKE YOU _CRAWL _OUT! I WILL-..." Dell finally noticed the dial tone in his ear. "...he hung up on me?... HE MOTHER-TRUCKIN' HUNG UP ON ME?!" Dell nearly exploded, right then and there. He stormed out of his toolshed, and marched right into the base. "HEAVY! GIT OVER HERE, _NOW_!"he roared. Heavy walked into the garage Dell was pacing in.

"Um, leetle man called for Heavy?" Dell's head snapped to the giant, giving the Russian man chills at the glare the Engineer was sending him.

"When Scout last hid from you for touching your gun, where did you find him?" Dell asked, deceptively calm.

"Why would leetle man need to know such ting?" Dell grabbed Heavy's collar, and yanked the taller man's head down until he was staring dead into the other's eyes.

"I have already turned off Respawn, and mah Gunslinger is 'bout ready to rip you apart. You tell me where ya found him, or you'll be in Respawn fer a week, Administrator be _damned_. WHERE. IS. HE."

Heavy nearly pissed his pants.

...

...

_(Back With Scout and Naruto...)_

"What did he say?" Naruto asked, as he licked his ice-cream. Scout swallowed nervously.

"U-ummm... remember how Hardhat said 'no one had better get hurt out there', and then you bashed my face, and I _accidentally _hit you back? ...yeaaahhh, he's gonna be pissed..." Naruto froze for a moment.

"Wh-WHAT?! Oh no, he _did _say that! I didn't know we'd get in trouble for that! IS HE GONNA KILL US?!" Naruto panicked.

"N-..." Scout froze mid-answer, a plan already forming in his head. "...uh, yes. _Us_. But he can't kill us if he can't find us! So, all we haf'ta do is sneak back into da base, and we'll hide out until he calms down! ...or until these bruises go away."

"Shouldn't we just find Medic-san for that?" Scout blinked.

"Hey... you're _right_! Okay, that just made this ten times easier! We'll just hide out in da Conference Room over near da Intelligence Room, and we'll get Medic ta fix our faces in da morning! ...After we break in."

"What?!"

"Meh... I've had ta do it before..."

"HOW DOES THAT MAKE IT ANY BETTER?!"

...

...

_(RED Conference_ _Room_(5)_ of Teufort)_

"How ya doin' so far, squirt?"

"...I don't like it here..."

"Well, just think of it as a campout! That keeps m-US from bein' beaten ta death in m-OUR sleep!" Lucky for Scout Naruto didn't catch his little slip-ups.

"He's really _that _mad?" Naruto asked worriedly.

"Oh yeah! Ya should'a heard him! He was all..." Naruto's eyes widened as he looked out of the window behind Scout...

...where his father was slowly approaching the room.

"...S-scout." Naruto choked out, terrified.

"'...more trouble than a fox in a hen house!' Then he was, like..."

"S-Scout!

Dell raised his wrench to the window.

"Scout!"

"What? I'm tryin ta tell ya what he said ta me on th-***WH-CRACK!***

"Hmmm... Look what Ah found in th' hen house... **A dead man." **Both Scout and Naruto screamed in absolute terror.

"I'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYPLEASEDON'TKILLMEEEEEEE!" Naruto yelled as he frantically motioned for his father to stop.

"DON'T APOLOGIZE, SQUIRT! _RUUUUUNNNNNN_!"

Scout quickly barreled through a different window, landed on the floor outside the room, and shot off like a rocket down the hallway.

A sentry killed him the moment he turned the corner.

Naruto, on the other hand, was left behind to face the 'wrath' of his father.

"What happened, son?" Dell asked worriedly. He tried to get close, but Naruto screamed in fear and flailed to keep him away. "Naruto! What's wrong?!"

"D-d-d-don't hurt me!" Naruto cried in fear.

"Why would I go 'n do that, now?" Dell asked, utterly bewildered. Naruto sniffled.

"But... but Scout said you were _furious_ with us..." Dell frowned.

"At him? Yes. You, on the other hand... I caught a glimpse of that idiot's face as he ran off, and I think I saw a shiner." Dell chuckled for a bit. "If that was you, then well done!" Naruto looked up, hopeful.

"So... you're not mad at me?" Dell shook his head. Naruto's smile brightened, but it was suddenly replace by a snarl. "Oh my Kami, I'm going to kill Scout..."

"Get in line."

...

...

_(Respawn Room; Two Hours Later)_

Scout fell off the Respawn pad with a cry, after being forced to experience his molecules rip themselves apart over and over, being as they had no place to reform.

"Ahhh... that hurt like a mother-fu-" He broke off, as an orange tail swiped him across the face. He looked up to see Naruto standing in front of him, arms crossed, with a completely blank stare. "Squirt! Are you okay?! Did Hardhat get'cha too?"

"Oh, I certainly did, **Scout**." Scout gulped in fear, as he turned around slowly. He was rather surprised to see the entire team standing behind him, all watching rather expectantly._  
_

"Uhhh... So, you all know, then?" he asked sheepishly.

"Scout..." Naruto started from behind him. The man in question turned around just in time to see the kid swing Scout's own Boston Basher...

"...you SON OF A _BITCH_!"

...right into his family jewels.

_(Dogs across the entire state of New Mexico would later be reported as having fits over an extremely loud, extremely high-pitched sound that originated somewhere around Teufort. Cause has yet to be identified, but males across the _world _reported feeling a pain in their groins around the exact same time. The two events have not yet been reported as related to each other, but investigations are continuing.)_

Naruto kicked Scout's body, as the Bostonian had died from a pain overload and copious amounts of blood loss.

Dell could never had been prouder of his son than at that moment.

The rest of RED had never been more terrified.

"That... that felt good..." Naruto sighed. Dell nodded approvingly, before suddenly marching over to pick him up.

"I told ya I don't want ya cursin'!" Dell reprimanded.

"But _Daaaad_! He _deserved _it!"

"No 'Buts'! You have a filthy mouth, and I'm gonna wash it out!"

"NO! NOT THE SOAP!" Naruto begged. As Dell marched out the door, Naruto reached out to the REDs gathered behind him pleadingly.

"Save me!" he cried. They all shook their heads 'no'. "You _traitors_!"

Respawn was still turned off.

...

..

.

**_Omake! START!_**

_(Spy's Excellent Adventure_(6)_)_

...

...

Spy sighed to himself, as he wandered the streets of New York City.

Where on earth is a good Spy supposed to find food when he needs it?

He would've appreciated being able to go into the five-star restaurants, but, alas, they would not have anything he could bring back to his charge.

Even a regular sit-down restaurant would not be able to give him what he needed. Which meant...

..._the evil arches_.

...

...

"Hi! Welcome to McDonald's! How may I... help... you?" The cashier seemed to only just realize his outfit.

"_Oui_. I wood like to bae ah 'amberger," Spy replied.

"I'm... sorry, can you repeat that?" Spy's mouth twitched.

"A 'amberger. I wood like to bae ah 'amberger."

"I apologize, sir... It's just that... I'm having trouble understanding you..." Spy sighed, and put his head in his hand.

"_Mon dieu..._" he muttered to himself.

This was already going _fantastique_... what else could possibly go wrong?

...

...

"S-Sir, please put the knife away, and tell us what you want." The manager of the store pleaded.

Yes... Even _better_.

Somehow, Spy, in a fit of undignified rage, attacked the cashier with his knife. The store evacuated, and now they were trying to save the poor man's life before Spy cut his throat.

"A 'amberger! All I want is a 'hamberger!" Spy yelled, waving his knife at the menu above him. Something seemed to _finally _click in the stupid American's mind, as they looked up to the menu and back down at him.

"A... a hamburger?" Spy nearly cried in relief.

"_Oui_... Oui, I want a 'amberger!" The manager seemed absolutely stupefied.

"U-ummm... Shelly? Could you just... go get our, um, _customer_ a hamburger?" The identified 'Shelly' nodded fearfully, and cautiously slid past Spy into the kitchen.

There was a tense silence as the fryers started up.

"You know what? I want something else. I want all zhe money in zhe cash registers." Spy felt he needed to get _something _after having gone through all of this.

"B-b-but-" A small drop of red on the cashier's neck shut him up quickly, and he rushed to get all of the money. 'Shelly' returned with a take-out bag.

"Put zhe money in the sack, and hand it to me." They followed his instructions, and he was handed a bag of $374.97, and a hamburger. "_Merci. Bonne journée." _He walked out the door, his hostage still being dragged with him.

...

...

Spy stared at the cashier in utter shock and fury.

Somehow, after Spy made his escape down an alleyway with his hostage, the man decided he was done with being dragged along and attempted an escape.

Of course, he somehow removed Spy's balaclava at the same time.

As the two men stared at each other, one with a bag, the other holding a balaclava, Spy pulled out his Ambassador, and quickly shot the man dead. He stalked up, and angrily snatched his balaclava back, and quickly put it back on his head.

"_No one_ has seen my face and lived to tell zhe tale." Spy growled. Then he sighed.

Now he had to find an extra sack.

...

...

"Alright, _enfant_... Here is our arrangement. In zhis bag is food, and two hundred dollars if you do not not tell zhe Engineer I fed you early." Naruto reached for the bag.

"Deal... but what's in the sack?"

"An extra fifty dollars if you do not question what's in zhe sack."

...

...

_**Omake! End!**_

* * *

**Well... After a month of waiting, I have returned with a new chapter!**

**First off, I must thank Susie for giving me the plot for this chapter. Without her little comic of Spy's Day Off that she drew (available on my tumblr site), I might have written a shorter chapter about Naruto's hand.**

**That's coming up next.**

**Also, my tumblr page has the illustrations Susie drew for this chapter, along with others for previous chapters. kage-musha742369 on tumblr, and you can find it easily (I hope...).**

**Now, honesty time, readers...: How many of you care to see more of Naruto as a little kid? I was planning on giving him a Gunslinger, then just time-skipping to his first day on the field. If you guys don't like that, and want to see more of his hijinks, I'd appreciate little plot bunnies in the comments. Anything is fine, really, so long as I get some detail on where it's supposed to go. If you do give me something, and I approve and write it, then I will credit you in the post-chapter section.**

**You can even give me little Omake ideas, and I'll fit them in where I can! (Along with credit)**

**A.N Time~!:**

**(1): This is where Susie's little comic she drew of Spy's Day Off begins. The Omake is in-between the time-skip.**

**(2): Not sure if Russian can be capitalized... so I took some creative liberties to emphasize his volume of voice**

**(3): If this museum name is a real thing, I apologize if I put you in the wrong state**

**(4): Howitzer Cannon is real; unsure if it's from the American Revolution or not...**

**(5): You know the Intel Room in 2Fort? Well, these two are in the room that's right by the desk and has the round table and chairs in it. Also, for the sake of the story, imagine that the room is on the same level as the Intel Room itself.**

**(6): This _maaaay_ have been based off that incident a month ago or so, where a guy dressed up like Spy robbed a McDonald's...**

**Finally... _Finally_, this has been posted...**

**Until next time!**

**~_Kage Musha_**


	8. Dog Fortress (Part 1)

**Yes... I have fallen prey to the craze sweeping across the TF2 fandom...**

**But it gives more character development, not to mention a character _introduction_, so it's all good.**

**Two things before I begin:**

**#1: I'm not sure whether or not you guys will think this chapter is absolutely stupid or something... but I don't care. I'm writing this because I think it needs to be done, and screw all the people who call this stupid.**

**#2: For all reviewers, I want to thank you for the support you have given me throughout this story. I'm not one to directly answer a review in a story, because I feel that the other readers wouldn't want to be forced to scroll past the answers (or something). I usually PM a response, but I've been backed up a bit lately, and I haven't been able to get to responding for a while. I promise, I read _each and_ _every one of my reviews_. **

**If you feel your opinion might not matter to me, it DOES. **

**If you feel I'm going to get insulted by criticism, I'm NOT. **

**If you have nothing to say but 'good job', then THANK YOU.**

**Just seeing the 'Reviews' count rise up makes me feel happier.**

**You all make this an enjoyable experience, and I can't express that enough to all of you.**

**...And for those of you who will review to say something bad about this chapter...**

**Meh, whatever. IDGAF**

**...**

**Alright, got all the mush out of the way.**

**Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

Naruto hummed to himself as he waited inside his Safe Room.

It had been about a month since it's completion, and Naruto was excited to have learned his new hand would be complete sometime soon. Until that time, Naruto spent his days practicing his teachings as best he could within the confines of this vault, while his father fought out on the battlefield.

The Administrator had decided that, until Naruto reached a point he was old enough, strong enough, and skilled enough to defend himself, RED and BLU would remain fighting on the same battlefield: 2Fort.

It was pleasant news to the team, as they wouldn't need to worry about Engineer rebuilding the Safe Room, forcing them to have to deal with another round of a missing teammate every match.

Naruto was just glad he didn't have to move into a new Safe Room.

The digital lock on the door buzzed, and it opened to reveal Dell standing there, grinning happily.

"Howdy! Did'ya watch th' match?" he asked Naruto excitedly. Naruto rolled his eyes jokingly.

"Dad, I _have _to watch the matches, since you plastered the wall with screens showing every inch of the field!" Dell chuckled.

"Well, then I guess y' saw we won t'day!" Naruto nodded, smiling.

"You bet! When oji-san got rid of that sentry..."

"...and then th' rest 'a th' team came in on mah hidden teleporter?"

"That was _so cool_!" Naruto exclaimed. He leapt in to his father's arms, and they celebrated together for a bit. Once they separated, Naruto clasped his hands pleadingly. "Can I go outside?! Please! I _need _to get out after being in that room all day!" Dell mockingly contemplated for a few moments, hand on his chin, before he gave a grin to the blonde.

"'Course ya can! Just be back in 'fore dark! We'll be eatin' 'round then!" Naruto darted off, waving goodbye to his father as he did so. Dell watched until his son disappeared from sight, then turned around and walked down the halls to his room. He entered, and was about to grab the blueprints he always kept locked in a secret safe, when a roar sounded throughout the base.

"SCOUT! YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO TOUCH SASHA!" Dell suppressed a groan of irritation. When were those two ever going to learn?**  
**

Sounds of gunfire rang throughout the base.

"Can't hit what ya can't catch, fatty!" Scout retorted. A scream of pain rang out a moment later.

"HAHAHAHA! Caught leetle rabbit easy as cake!"

A deep thrumming sound suddenly originated from the Respawn Room. Dell frowned worriedly, as he looked towards the general direction of the room.

That... did not sound good at _all_.

A bright flash encompassed the base, and all nine mercenaries in the base died.

...

..

.

Whenever Naruto managed to make it outside, he'd always tell his father he would stay by the RED base. That was a lie, though, because Soldier-oji always said that he had to improve over time with his running. The past few weeks, Naruto took to running around the entirety of 2Fort, which included behind the BLU base.

A few times, a BLU would catch him running around, and he'd freeze in place, but they'd just nod respectfully and pretend they never saw him.

It was rather confusing, considering the animosity on the field, but that was probably the only place it ever showed itself.

On the field they were enemies, but they would remain respectful off the field.

The BLU Engineer seemed to be an exception to this rule, as he'd always give Naruto a happy wave before turning away.

It was weird... but Naruto knew weirder, so he just went with it.

In any case, he had made his way around the back of the BLU base the first time when that flash came from RED.

He never saw a thing, so he didn't stop running.

By the time he made it about halfway through his ninth lap around 2Fort, it was dark and he had waved hello to the BLU Engineer and the BLU Sniper. All in all, a successful run for the boy. He made his way back into the RED base, and made his way to the dining area. He entered the room, and was surprised to see that not a single soul was preparing, or eating, dinner. Naruto frowned worriedly, and looked around in confusion. All electricity in the base had turned off, it seemed, which is very unsettling when you are only seven years old and all alone.

"Um... guys?...HeLLOOOOOO?!" he called. "IS ANYONE CLOSE BY?!"

There was no answer.

_"Um... Kurama?"_

**_"This is rather unsettling... Keep your guard up, ningen. I'd rather not die because of you."_**Naruto resisted the urge to scoff, but he did as he was told. The two had reached an understanding that they would be stuck like this for a long time, and they might as well make the best of it. Naruto managed to change the disgusting sewer of a mindscape into a rather pleasant Sakura Tree grove, along with giving Kurama access to some of his senses of the outside world.

In return, Naruto didn't explode with demonic chakra.

Win-win.

Naruto walked through the first hall on his left, which, incidentally, led directly to the Respawn room. He passed by the door, not thinking anyone would be behind it, when he suddenly caught the scent of something burning. He turned around to see the door leading to Respawn had smoke seeping out, and, against his better judgement (otherwise known as Kurama), opened the door.

Instantly, a huge cloud of smoke burst out, making him cough and hack to clear his lungs out. Once the smoke cleared enough for him to see, he stepped in hesitantly.

"Um... Dad? Were you messing with the Respawn system again?"

A small 'yip' came from his left.

He whirled to the side, to see a short, gold and white colored dog, with triangle ears, wobble out of the smokey room.

Naruto gasped in childish delight.

"A puppy!" he squealed in joy. He swooped down to pick up the dog, and cuddled it against his chest. He was glad the dog was small enough for him to pick it up with just one hand, and he coddled it for a bit. When the dog gave out another small bark, he looked at it worriedly. "Hmmm... being in this room with all that smoke did you no favors... I better take you to see Medic!" With a new goal in mind, he forgot about the rest of the team missing, and headed off to the Infirmary to find the German doctor.

If he had simply stayed a few more seconds, however, he might have seen eight other forms strewn about Respawn.

...

...

Dell had no clue as to what in Sam Hill was going on right now.

There was that bright flash of light, and the searing pain of Respawn, and he's suddenly on the floor of the Respawn room while it's filled with smoke. He could barely get any oxygen, so he crawled as best he could to the door to try to open it, when his own son opens it for him. When Naruto called out, he tried to call back.

But a goddamn bark came out.

Next thing he knew, he was being lifted up like a _baby_, and nearly had the life squeezed out of him by somebody missing a hand.

It couldn't have been his son... right?

He heard he was being taken to Medic, which made sense, because his chest hurt a lot and it was still hard to think clearly. Then he was lifted up so that his head was resting on the person's shoulder, and his hands were sticking out in front as well. He looked up in time to see eight forms laying about the Respawn room, and he tried to tell the person to turn around to help his team...

...and he did nothing but bark and growl.

"Don't worry puppy! Medic can make you feel better! ...I think..." Dell wanted off this ride. He needed to get free to help his team, so he put a paw on the person's shoulder and tried to push-

...a paw?

He looked down at his hand, and nearly fainted when he realized it was a paw.

Dell could not take this anymore, and simply flailed about to try and get down to figure this out. The person holding him panicked for a moment, until they seemed to get the hint and set him down as gently as they could onto the floor.

"What's wrong puppy? If you want to walk, that's okay; I can just lead the way!" Dell looked up to see his son crouched in front of him... and the boy was _huge_.

Dell tried to stand up, but his legs couldn't hold him for some reason, and he fell back onto his hands and knees. Wait... no, his feet were on the ground, and so were his hands- _paws_.

Everything suddenly seemed to click all at once.

Respawn malfunction.

Giant Naruto.

Paws for hands.

Barking instead of talking.

Oh. _Hell_.no_._

...

...

Naruto watched with worry as the dog seemed to freak out about something that he could not figure out for the life of him.

Did he hold him wrong?

Did the smoked room hurt his brain?

Is this just how dogs normally act?

He wouldn't know... Dogs didn't usually let him this close in the first place...

"Ummm... Puppy? Are you okay? Please try to calm down, I need to take you to Medic!" The dog suddenly stopped his running about in circles, and his head snapped to Naruto. The dog started barking incessantly, as though trying to tell him something but unable to due to a language barrier. "Look, if you're trying to tell me something, then I'm sorry but I can't understand you!" The dog stopped the barking, and seemed to visibly sigh with annoyance, before it began pacing about. "Please... can I just take you to Medic?" The dog froze, before looking up at Naruto as if he had just given the canine a brilliant idea. The dog quickly ran back behind Naruto, where it then circled before barking, as though telling him to follow. "You want me to... go back to the Respawn room?"

A single bark.

"Well..." Naruto sighed. "Okay, then... Lead the way." The dog nodded, and was about to turn around, when a deep, loud bark was heard from the direction of Respawn. Both dog and boy turned to look, to see a black-furred giant of a dog running towards the pair.

Naruto did the natural thing.

He quickly picked up the smaller dog in front of him, before sprinting off down the hallway. The larger dog gave chase, barking at the boy as he fled in fear.

"OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP!" Naruto screamed in fright. Finally, Naruto ended back up in the kitchen. He tried to run out to the bedroom hall, but the dog managed to finally catch up and blocked his escape. It barked at Naruto, and the boy screamed before running back the way he came.

Suddenly, a small, brown and white dog ran into the room, chased by a grey dog that was almost bald in some parts and a puff-ball in others. Soon after, five more dogs came barreling into the room, all barking loudly and basically making a general nuisance of themselves.

The puff-ball dog was currently being held back by a brown dog covered in scars, while it's target was currently being barked at by a thinly shaved, grey dog with bright blue eyes. A different grey dog, who had a mop of shaggy hair and was missing an eye, was scratching at the refrigerator beggingly, while a smaller, brown dog was sitting on top of it with no clues as to how it managed to get up there. And, finally, a white dog with black spots, especially in the facial area, was hiding over in the corner, showing his face to no one.

Even the two dogs from earlier got caught up in the frenzy, the smaller bark-guing with the thin grey dog, while the giant was sitting between the puff-ball and it's prey, trying to prevent a fight.

Naruto could barely hear himself think over the cacophony of sound, and he finally had enough.

_"Kurama... can you make my voice deeper for a moment?"_

**_"Yep. I like your thinking, ningen."_**

Taking a deep breath, Naruto yelled as loud as he possibly could.

_**"QUIET!"**_

Instantly, it was dead quiet. All eyes turned to him, and Naruto released a big sigh.

"Jeez... A bunch of dogs just appearing in the middle of the base, in Respawn no less! ...where the heck did you guys come from?" He looked at the room of dogs, and counted them in his head.

_'...seven...eight... and... _nine_?'_

"Wait a minute... Nine dogs?" He stared at them with an almost new understanding.

"Respawn malfunctioned..."

The dogs looked at him expectantly.

"Nine dogs..."

They moved in closer.

"Are all of you..."

They stared at him hopefully.

"...the team's pets?"

If dogs could face-vault, nine dogs did it perfectly.

...

...

_"Are ya frickin' kidding me?! How stupid _is _he?!" _Scout barked angrily.

_"Shut yer mouth, boy, before I break yer jaw!" _Engie barked back.

_"Leetle Scout has point... How could leetle племянник not figure it out?" _Heavy asked dejectedly.

"This is _sooo cool_! I always wanted a pet! ...of course, animals don't really like me that much..." Naruto muttered to himself. "But you guys like me! ...right?"

_"OF COURSE WE DO!" _Nine voices barked at the same time. Naruto seemed rather confused at the possible translations that could have equaled to, so Dell sighed in exasperation, before trotting up to his son and looking up at him with a happy-dog expression.

_"Uhhh... Hardhat? What're ya doin'?" _Dell turned to glare at Demo for a moment.

_"Playin' tha part!"_

_"Ermmm... why?" _Dell sighed.

_"Look... I don't know how long we're gonna be stuck like this. In any case, if he's never had a chance to play with a dog, who am I to deny him that chance?" _He was suddenly hoisted up by the waist, and was brought in for a hug by Naruto.

"I... I like you... Are you Daddy's?" Dell barked once, to try and say 'yes'. "Well... Dad has good taste in dogs..."

...

..

.

Naruto blearily opened his eyes, to see he was in bed...

...while his room had nine dogs sleeping about.

_'Dogs?... where did... Oh! I remember! I met Dad's and the others' dogs!' _He smiled, remembering their willingness to be with him, especially the big one and the first one he met. _'I wonder what they're actually called... Can't just call them by their fur color forever...' _His stirring seemed to have woken up the light brown dog he had rescued from the smokey room, who yawned wide and smacked his chops before looking up at Naruto.

"Hi," Naruto whispered. "What's your name?" The dog cocked his head, confused by the question. Naruto sighed, and attempted to think of a way to figure it out.

_'If only they could just say their names... wait... _THAT'S IT!" his yell startled all the dogs in the room into consciousness, where the two dogs lying on his bed with him (Scout and Engie) leaped away in shock. Everyone else quickly got up and began to bark in alarm.

"QUIET!" Naruto yelled, and, again, everything went dead silent. "I'm sorry everyone, but I think I found a way to give you all names!" The dogs looked at each other in utter bewilderment, before glaring at Naruto. "I said I'm sorry! Jeez, excuse me for not wanting to call you 'the grey-furred dog' or something!" He got out of bed, and marched out of the room. "If you all want to go back to sleep, fine by me! I've got better things to do with my time!" He disappeared down the hall. The dogs looked at each other, confused by what had just happened.

Unfortunately, the door slowly closed on them while they didn't notice, and they were suddenly trapped in the room.

_"Oh SHIT!" _Scout yelped, as he leaped at the door handle. _"I can't open it!"_

_"Silly leetle baby. Heavy can open door..." _He walked up to the door handle, and bit down on it. The door handle snapped right off in his mouth, leaving a broken door, an embarrassed Heavy-dog, and eight angry merc-dogs. _"...oops..." _Dell sighed._  
_

_"Look... It's fine. Naruto'll be back soon, so we just have t' wait 'til then."_

_"Erm... fellas?" _Eight heads turned to the lone dog sitting in the corner, refusing to show anyone his face. _"I... erm... I may need to go..." _

Eight dogs blinked once.

_"BREAK DOWN THE DOOR! BREAK IT DOWN!"_

...

...

Naruto huffed angrily as he marched down the halls.

Sure, he liked the dogs that appeared out of nowhere, but these dogs were being mean to him!

Still... he had to give them names, and if there was one place in the base that could help him out, it was the library.

He shuddered.

_Kami_, how he hated the library. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and little Naruto had no other ideas.

He walked into a large room, circular in shape, walls lined with bookshelves almost 15 feet tall. The shelves themselves were neatly organized... but the center of the room was simply a large mound of books. Naruto sighed in annoyance as he stared at the massive pile.

The book he was looking for was a dog encyclopedia, if such a thing even existed within the base.

"So... if I were a book on dogs, and I was in a base of nine men who killed people daily... I'd probably be on the shelves, because the guys never really seem to put the books back where they belonged, except for Dad and Medic." With a new goal in mind, Naruto headed to the outer walls of the room, and started looking for the 'D' section.

...

...

_"Door is too sturdy! Heavy cannot break it down like this!" _Dell quickly looked about for something that could help them. His eyes passed over the window above Naruto's desk, and an idea came to him.

_"THE WINDOW!" _He used the bed as a step up, and jumped onto the desk to look out the rather plain window. _"Anyone know how high up we are?"_

_"Naruto's room s'on th' secon' floor," _Sniper answered. Dell groaned worriedly.

_"...Anyone willin' t' try jumpin'?"_

_"I'll do it. I'm the one who needs to get out as quickly as possible, so it might as well be me..." _Pyro slowly slinked out of his corner, still refusing to meet anyone's eyes, and hid over beside the desk.

_"Y'sure you can do it?"_

_"Just open the goddamn window." _Dell sighed, and fumbled open the clasp with his clumsy paws. The window creaked open, and Pyro leaped on top of the desk and approached the window. _"Hmmm... seems there's an overhang about a story down... If I can make that, I might make it to the ground floor safe enough to go get-"_

_"JUST GO ALREADY!" _Scout barked loudly. Pyro, who was focusing rather intently, jumped in fright and fell out of the window.

_"YOU _IDIOT_!" _seven voices barked at once. Dell crept to the window's edge to see Pyro barely holding onto an overhang a floor below.

_"Kill Scout... for me..." _Pyro groaned out from his precarious location, and Dell sighed in relief.

_"He's not dead, fellas... Ya don't have ta kill Scout."_

...

...

Naruto climbed up one of the ladders in the library, and scanned each shelf as he went higher.

"Dogs... dogs... dogs... No dogs." He sighed, and moved up another shelf. "...still no dogs... Kami, where do they keep the dog books?!"

As if summoned, the white and black-spotted dog burst into the room, barking frantically. Naruto yelped in fright, and started wobbling on the ladder. "Whoa! No, no, no!" The dog, thinking fast, quickly ran over to the ladder, and held it steady using it's paws. This allowed Naruto to regain his balance enough to cling onto the ladder and keep from falling.

"...whew... That was close..." He looked down at the dog below him. "What's wrong? Did something happen with the others?" The dog ran back to the door, and circled several times before barking, to tell him to follow. Naruto sighed and climbed down the ladder.

"Alright... lead the way..." The dog took off like a rocket, running down the halls at a speed Naruto could barely keep up with. "Slow down! I'm not as fast as you!" He was led down several turns, until they came back to the bedroom hallway. "The bedrooms?" Naruto asked, confused. The dog kept running until it reached the last door of the hallway, where it stopped and sat down expectantly. "_My _bedroom? What's in here?" Naruto opened the door to his bedroom...

...and eight dogs immediately barreled out into one big dog pile right on top of him.

The dogs barked in celebration of their freedom, but Naruto was trapped under the largest.

"Can't... _breathe_!" he choked out, clawing at the giant's back to get out. It climbed up to set Naruto free, and the blonde scrambled out as fast as he could. "What were you all doing in my room?!" he demanded. The small, hyper dog growled at him before giving off several barks that brought an angry retort from his dad's dog. Naruto sighed. "I guess it doesn't matter... but did you get out if the door was shut?" he asked the black and white dog.

The dog pointed with it's muzzle back inside the room, where Naruto could see his window had been opened. "Oh... well, next time you could just... I dunno, bark to tell me your trapped?" All nine dogs seemed to collectively sigh at the same time. "I didn't hear anything from you, so don't give me that!" Naruto snapped.

He stood up and brushed himself off. "Anyways, I need to get back to what I was doing, so you can either come with me or go exploring." He started off down the hall, and he looked back to see all nine following him. "Meh, the more the merrier!"

...

...

Naruto walked into the room, and sighed deeply.

"Alright... back to work..." He made to go over to the ladder he left behind, but stopped when he realized none of the dogs had followed him inside. He turned around to see all the dogs, except the one who found him, staring at him with completely shocked expressions. "What? I know it's a library, but I don't have much of a choice..." He climbed up the ladder until he was at about the last shelf he checked.

"No dogs... no dogs... Jeez, this is gonna take a while!" The ladder suddenly shook, and he hugged the ladder out of fear. He looked down to see the grey dog with blue eyes tugging the ladder to the left. "WHAT ARE YOU _DOING_?!" Naruto yelled. The dog ignored him, and kept dragging it along until it reached the end of the shelf. Naruto looked up, and there, right in front of his face, was a book titled Dogs of the World.

"Oh... Thank you!" Naruto called down, receiving a bark in reply. He pulled the book out before securing in under his arm, and made his way down the ladder. Once at the bottom, he marched right out of the library. "I'm done with stinkin' libraries!" he yelled, as he made his way to the kitchen. Dell barked out a laugh, before trotting off after his son, closely followed by the rest of the team.

Naruto sat down at the kitchen table, put the book in front of him, and started reading through it. The dogs sat there patiently, until he looked up.

"Sooo... it seems that _you_..." he pointed to Scout. "...are an American Foxhound. ...yadda-yadda-yadda... _'...extremely energetic and tireless...'_... Yup! You're Scout's dog!" Scout scoffed, and raised his head high while the rest of the group snorted with laughter. "I dunno what your names are, so for now, I'm gonna start by calling you... Bolt!" He kept reading until he came across the next picture. "Now _you_ are an American Pitbull." Soldier grunted his approval.

_"Strong canines... I've met some people who owned one, and I've never seen a more amazing dog."_

"..._'...strong competitors within dog fighting rings?'_ What the heck is a-"

_**"Fights to the death."** _Kurama answered bitterly. Naruto swallowed heavily.

"...oh."

_**"Yes... The dogs are treated terribly, so that they become angry enough to attack anything. Next thing you know, they're thrusted into a ring and bets are made to see who will win."**_

"That's... that's _sick_! Who in their right mind would do something like that?!" Naruto growled. He looked down to see the dogs looking at him worriedly. "Sorry... talking with someone about this crap called 'dog fighting'... Did you ever have to do something like that?" he asked the pitbull, receiving a shake of the head in response. "Well, you look like Soldier-oji's dog, so I'm gonna call you... Scar!" Soldier grunted in somewhat approval.

_"Doesn't sound so bad... I'll take it."_

"Now let's see... you are an Australian Koolie, I think. You're probably Sniper's dog just from the name alone... _'...natural trait to herd anything that moves...'_... Maybe you'd herd and Sniper'd shoot? I dunno..."

_"Had a Koolie once... friendliest lil' guy you'd eva meet, but deaf as a doornail."_

"Are you deaf? The book says Koolies are sometimes deaf from birth..." Sniper gave him a look, and Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Right... sorry about that... So, I think I'll call you... Dingo!"

_"WHAT?! I AIN'T NO BLOODY DINGO, MATE!" _

"This is just until I get your real name!" Naruto protested at the Koolie's barking. Sniper huffed with anger, and curled up on top of the sofa.

_"...bloody dingos got 'im, 'n he never heard 'em comin'..." _he remarked sadly, refusing to say anything else._  
_

"So, the next on the list is... a Dalmatian." He looked up at Pyro. "The book said Dalmatians are used in Fire Houses... which is weird if you're Pyro's dog, but maybe he just appreciates the irony." He knelt down and got closer to Pyro. "The spots on your face even make you look like you wear Pyro's gas mask... So, I'll call you Scorch!"

_"...no complaints there..."_

"Then we've got a Caucasian Shepard Dog!" He looked up at the giant canine in front of him. "Otherwise known as the 'Russian Bear Dog'... You're Heavy's dog; no doubt."

_"Hmph. Bear Dogs would protect village from Russian bears that come in winter."_

"So, maybe I'll just call you Bear."

_"Stupid leetle bears..."_

_"How is a bear little?!" _Scout yelped.

"Now we've got a Scottish Deerhound!" He looked up at Demo, and instantly knew. "Demo's dog. I'm calling you Loch."

_"I'LL GET YA YET, NESSIE!"_

"Then there's the... the... 'Wee-mer-aner'?" He looked a bit closer. "_Oh_! It's the Weimaraner! ...It says it's from Germany, so I'm guessing you're Medic's dog? I thought he liked birds..."_  
_

_"And I do."_ Medic growled softly.

"Keeping with his theme of Greek scientists... How about Socrates?"

_"...That vill do."_

"And then we have... the 'Standard Poodle'." Spy remained absolutely still as the rest of the dogs snorted with laughter. "Well, everyone else got their dog already, so I'm guessing you're Spy's dog." There was even more laughter from the team. Naruto sighed as he looked into the dog's eyes.

"I _really_ want to just call you Puff the Magic Poodle."

Scout couldn't hold it in any longer, and burst into laughter as he rolled about across the floor. The rest of the team joined him, but to a lesser extent. Spy made no moves towards the others, but the look in his eyes made Naruto reconsider.

"But if I do, Spy will probably gut me in my sleep... So I'll call you... Smokey." Spy sighed, but accepted the name, since it was less humiliating than the first one Naruto chose.

"And lastly, my dad's dog... is a Corgie." He stared at his father for a while, unsure of what to do. "I don't really want to give you a name... because my dad already has one for you... Well, I could wait until they wake up..." He glanced at the clock, and was glad today was a ceasefire day. "...but I think I have a good idea!" He ran to his room, Dell trotting along close behind him. Once inside, Naruto opened up his desk, and started rummaging around inside it.

"Where is it... I know I left it... right... AHA!" He pulled something out, and turned around to show Dell the Translator Collar he used to first communicate. "If I'm right..." he twiddled around with the dials a bit. "...this _should _translate your dog words into English." He slipped the collar over the Corgie's head, and flipped the switch to 'On'. "Alright, what's your name?"

"I must say, you continue t' surprise me everyday, son." Naruto's face slowly fell from childish excitement, to absolute bewilderment.

"U-ummm... What?"

"I never would'a thought ta use th' Translatah Collah to _finally _get a way t' communicate with ya."

"...you have _got _to be kidding me right now."

"I wish this was a joke, Naruto... but it ain't, and we're dogs. What're ya gonna do?" Dell shrugged his doggy shoulders. Naruto stared at the dog that was his _actual father _for a few moments, before getting up and walking out of the room, blank-faced. "H-hey! Where'ya goin', boy?"

"This is all a dream... a dream... I'm going to go hurt myself, and I'm going to wake up with no dogs in the base... I did not have nine dogs jump me this morning... I did not think my father was a dog... I _did not _call Spy a puff-ball..." Naruto muttered to himself as he kept walking. Dell quickly scampered up behind him.

"I dunno how we got intah this mess, but we _really _don't need yah t' have a break-down on us!"

"GO AWAY! I CAN DEAL WITH INSTANT TELEPORTATION, I CAN DEAL WITH COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD, I CAN EVEN DEAL WITH FLYING, DEMON BOOKS AND THEIR CRAPPY WIZARDS, BUT I _CANNOT DEAL WITH _THIS_!_" Naruto yelled. He crashed into a soft wall, and stepped back hastily to see Heavy- _Heavy's dog _standing in front of him, panting. He looked around to see all nine dogs gathered around him in a circle.

"...Dad?"

"Yes, son?" Dell answered from directly behind the boy.

"...this isn't a dream... is it?"

"Uh, I believe Ah made it clear that _no_, it's not." Naruto turned his head to face Spy.

"...you're going to kill me when you're a human again... aren't you?"

Spy snarled with fury.

"No you ain't!" Dell snapped. "An' I don't wanna hear yer 'I'll only _maim_ him' bull neither!"

...

..

.

Naruto stared at the door in front of him, silently contemplating if this was still a good idea.

It was his, yes, but that was all it was at the time. Now, faced with the very real threat behind those doors... Naruto hated the way his brain worked.

Either way, he had a huge problem, and there was only one person with the knowledge on what to do.

He walked into the War Room of the base, and pressed the button on the dashboard beneath the large screen. It fizzled with static for a few minutes, before the face of a woman in all purple, sitting at a desk, appeared on the screen.

**"Naruto... Why did you call me? And don't tell me that you did it for fun, or I'll-"**

"Respawn malfunctioned," Naruto interrupted. The Administrator blinked in shock before she gave a scowl.

**"Don't interrupt me! Now, what happened to Respawn, and where are the REDs?" **Naruto chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head as he did so.

"Yeah... well, see, _all_ of them died and were sent through Respawn at the same time..." She sighed, and put her head in her hand.

**"Please don't tell me I need to find nine new idiots for Redmond..."**

"No! No, no no no... no. See, they all lived through it... but when I came down and found them lying there, I didn't realize it _was _them..."

**"...What. Happened." **Naruto sighed, and turned back to the entrance.

"Dad! Kanrishakage-sama wants to see you!" he called out. The Administrator's eyes darted up to look at the door, and was absolutely stunned when a wide, stumpy little dog opened up the door and walked in.

"Evenin' ma'am."

**"...Dogs."**

"Eeeyup."

**"Respawn turned _all _of you... into dogs."**

"Eeeyup." The Administrato frowned.

**"How are you able to talk, then?" **Dell craned his neck to the side to reveal he was wearing a collar.

"Naruto had tha idea t' put th' translator collar on me so that Ah could tell him mah name."

**"Why would he want to know your name?" **Naruto coughed awkwardly, and turned his face as far away as he could.

"He... erm... thought that us as dogs were tha pets 'a us as humans..." The Administrator blinked.

**"...Moving on, what _exactly _do you expect me to do?"**

"Well, you're the one who had Respawn set up in here, so you should know who built it, right?" Naruto asked.

**"He's been dead for several months now."** Dell groaned in fear and exasperation.

"Is there _anyone _else who would know how to fix this?" The Administrator grimaced.

**"Yes... but you probably won't like it..."**

...

...

_"SHE'S GOING TO BRING _HIM_ IN?!"_ Scout shouted. _"A _BLU_?!"_

"Quiet!"Engineer barked. "We have no other options, unless ya know someone _else_ with eleven science PhD's!"

_"But still!" _Spy interjected. _"To openly invite a BLU into zhe RED base eez just _inviting _a bloodbath!"_

"Who're ya worried about startin' somethin'?" Spy grimaced.

_"Soldier, Scout, and Demo, for starters..."_

"Well, yer all lucky Ms. Pauling is headin' out here ta keep an eye on everyone." Spy and Medic both nearly sagged with evident relief.

_"Danke Gott... zhe last zhing ve need is a battle to start right in zhe base..." _Medic sighed. Meanwhile, Naruto was talking with Heavy, Soldier, and Demo.

"Do you guys think we'll fix this?" Naruto asked worriedly. "I mean, yeah, Dad's smart, but what does that say about-" he stopped talking when all the dogs' ears perked up at a sound. "...do you guys hear something?"

_"MS. PAULING IS HERE!" _Soldier yelled, as he, Scout, and Heavy darted off into the base to find her.

"Welp... Ms. Pauling's arrived..." Dell reported to the only one who still didn't know what was going on.

"Oh, cool! So, I finally get to see the 'hottest babe I've ever seen in my _life_,' according to Scout?" Naruto asked, straight-faced.

"Trust me, that phrase applies to the entire female race for him," Dell replied. "Also, while me 'n tha team are headin' down ta greet Ms. Pauling, d'ya mind running back 'n gettin' three of tha ear translators?" Naruto nodded, and darted off back inside. Dell continued on to the garage, trotting along until the woman in purple came into his sight. "Howdy, Ms. Pauling," he greeted.

"Engineer," she replied. "I'd ask how you're doing, but..." She shrugged.

"Well, we're doin' a lot better knowin' we got ourselves extra help." She nodded, before looking around at the doggie-fied team.

"Now, I expect _all of you_ to be on your best behavior while our... _guest _is here. Yes he is a BLU, but this does effect him just as much as it does Naruto." Scout barked out something, even though she couldn't yet understand. Naruto suddenly ran into the room, holding three sets of translators.

"Dad! I got the translators!" he announced triumphantly. He skidded to a stop directly in front of the new arrival, and looked up warily.

"Good job, Naruto. Now, this 'ere is-"

"I can introduce myself, Engineer, but thank you." She stood up a little straighter, and adjusted her glasses. "My name is Ms. Pauling, and I am the Administrator's assistant."

"So, you work with Kanrishakage-sama a lot, then?" Ms. Pauling frowned, and was about to reply when Dell answered for her.

"Yes, she does, Naruto. Also, that's tha name he uses fer tha Administrator, in case y' were wonderin' Ms. Pauling." She nodded in understanding. "In any case, go ahead 'n put in tha translators so that all 'a us can talk with y'all." Both Naruto and Ms. Pauling attached the translators into their ears, and switched them on.

"Jeez, _finally _I get ta talk with someone other than these bozos!" Scout barked.

"I think everyone else would appreciate it if you did not talk _at all_, Scout..." Spy snarled back.

"Ex_cuse me_?!"

"You're excused."

"This is weird on ten different levels..." Naruto casually said to Ms. Pauling, as they watched the group of mercs turned dogs begin to bicker.

"If their attention is at least focused on trying to kill each other, rather than our guest, it makes my job easier..." she replied.

"When _is _he getting here, anyways?"

"Ermmm... Howdy, folks?" The group turned around to the garage entrance to see the BLU Engineer standing there.

"Ah, good. You made it here safe?" Ms. Pauling greeted.

"Nothin' tried attackin' me, if that's what yer askin'..." He walked inside, and stared at the group of nine dogs. "Boy... The Administrator wasn't kiddin' when she said yer Respawn was haywire..." he stated, shocked. Scout yapped at him, forgetting the BLU wasn't hooked up to a translator.

"Oh! Here!" Naruto handed the new arrival a set of ear cuffs. "Dad made these, and they'll let you hear the others." The BLU nodded appreciatively, and 'plugged' them in.

"Are they workin'?"

"You tell me, maggot BLU!" Soldier barked. The BLU gave him a scathing glare, and sighed through his nose.

"...yup. It's workin'."

...

..

.

"So, th' problem seems ta be that th' DNA Storage got corrupted..." Engineer explained.

"Shit... does it still have our old records?" Dell asked.

"It's not that yer data was ruined, it's that the reader isn't translatin' properly."

"So, ya just gotta fix tha Scanner, and it's good?" The BLU sighed.

"I wish it were that simple... That's what _started _this whole mess, but th' explosion inside it screwed up tha Death Recognition, tha Consciousness Relocator, tha DNA Replicator, etc., etc.(1)... Basically, about two weeks' worth ta fix."

"TWO _WEEKS_?!" ten voices yelled at the same time. Ms. Pauling sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Well, the Administrator is not going to be pleased... but there's nothing she can do, so she'll have to accept it," Ms. Pauling stated as she left to go to the Conference Room.

"In zhe meantime, ve should leave," Medic suggested.

"What?! No _way _am I letting a _BLU _stay near _our _Respawn without proper supervision!" Soldier barked back.

"Well, um, me and Dad can stay with him..." Naruto said hesitantly.

"'Dad und _I_,' _kind_, bt it iz a good idea. Now, zhe rest of you, _aus_!"

"But-"

"_Nein! Aus, AUS!_" Medic somehow managed to herd the rest of the RED dogs out of the Respawn room, despite their argument. All eight squeezed through the doorway and into the outside hall, the door immediately closing behind them. Medic suddenly reopened the door and poked his head in. "I hope you take zhis time to catch up, _Herr _Conagher...s." With that, he slammed the door shut, leaving Naruto to turn and stare at his father and the BLU Engineer suspiciously.

"Mr... Conagher_s_?... Something you need to tell me, tou-san?" Dell chuckled nervously.

"W-well... so, um, I reckon I haven't told ya yet, but-" BLU Engineer suddenly stepped forward.

"Nice ta finally meet ya, nephew! I'm Dell's cousin, Jeb(2)!" Naruto's eyes got wide. "I... I know it's a bit sudden 'n all... but-" He was cut off as Naruto whooped in joy and tackled the 'enemy' Engineer.

"Dad! You're in _soooo _much trouble for not telling me about BLU oji-san!"

* * *

**I am so sorry. This was, just, SO difficult to finish, for some reason.**

**Either way, over a month late and I cannot excuse myself for being so late.**

**Susie has drawn several pictures for this chapter, so go onto my Tumblr, and I'll have them posted.**

**A.N. Time~!****:**

**(1): Just random science mumbo-jumbo to make it seem realistic, ya know?**

**(2): This sorta ties in with 'Burning Up', and I mentioned it at the end of Chapter 2 for that story.**

**So... yeah. Happy New Years everyone!**

**Until next time!**

**~_Kage Musha_**


	9. Dog Fortress (Part 2)

**I have returned from death.**

**No, not _literally _death. More like... death of the writer inside me.**

**So sorry this took so damned long.**

**Like, Jesus _Christ_, could I have taken another year?**

**Anyways...**

**I do not own Naruto nor Team Fortress 2.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_..._

_.._

_._

_(One week later)_

_..._

_..._

The past week had been quite chaotic for the three humans and nine dogs.

Besides trying to keep the nine dogs secret from the BLUs (excluding Jeb) and working on fixing Respawn to restore the REDs to their human bodies, multiple complications made it all the more difficult.

Like the fact that all nine dogs seemed to revert into a more canine state of mind every once in a while.

"IT'S MY BALL!"

"_Nein_! You caught it last time, _Herr _Scout! It is _my _turn, now!"

"THAT IS AN AMERICAN BASEBALL, WHICH MEANS IT IS _MINE_!"

"HEAVY WANTS BALL!"

"YA WON'T GET IT B'FORE ME, LADDIES!"

"Why am I even doing this in zhe _first place_?!"

"'Cuz we're bloody idiots, that's woi!"

"Who cares?! Get the ball!"

Naruto cackled loudly as he watched eight dogs tear after the baseball he threw down the hallway.

"Oh my god, you guys! Why are you so obsessed over a ball?!" he managed to say through his tears of laughter.

"WE DON'T KNOW!" eight voices replied immediately, making Naruto cackle all the louder.

The ball ricocheted off a wall and headed down a separate corridor, making all eight chasers follow it out of Naruto's sight. There was a series of crashes, in which they were heard bickering over something, before Pyro's voice rang out gleefully.

"I GOT IT!" The dalmatian scurried out of the (literal) dog pile, and hurried back to Naruto, seven others hot on his trail.

"Nice!" Naruto complimented, once Pyro managed to make his way back to him. The others muttered angrily amongst themselves, but Naruto silenced them immediately. "Now, drop it!" Pyro managed to retain some dignity by glaring at him for a moment.

"You don't have to _treat _us like dogs, y'know..." Naruto scoffed.

"Fine. Then I guess I won't throw it again!"

"NONONONONO! I'm dropping it, I'm dropping it! See?!"

...

...

Jeb chuckled a bit as he heard the eight dogs running around the base as he tightened a screw in the machine.

"I'm surprised ya ain't out there with 'em, coz." Dell shuddered as he lay next to the BLU.

"Trust me, I'm doin' everythin' Ah can t' _not _run after 'em..." Jeb laughed aloud, before sobering up with a frown.

"This wasn't expected by anybody... y'know: the dog instincts."

"Jeb, Respawn _malfunctionin' _wasn't 'expected by anybody'. I think we can deal with th' side effects fer another week without arguin'. If anythin', Naruto's sure enjoyin' it!" Both cousins shared in the laughter this time. Just then, the door opened and Ms. Pauling walked in.

"Boys," she greeted. "How's the repair job coming along?" Jeb straightened up, before turning to face her with a grim expression.

"Well, Ah got most everythin' fixed..."

"I sense there's a 'but' in there somewhere."

"_But_, the last piece is the trickiest. The DNA Records." Ms. Pauling frowned.

"I can understand why... You don't want to screw up anything in the Records." Jeb sighed worriedly, and shook his head.

"No, the Records are _already _screwed up."

"_What_?!" Jeb walked back over to the Respawn machine, and opened a panel on the side to show a mess of tech inside.

"I realized that th' Reader never had any problems with it at all; instead, the DNA Records had been tampered with somehow to turn th' nine of y'all into dogs."

"Someone... _tampered _with the records?!" Ms. Pauling demanded. Jeb sighed.

"'Fraid so, ma'am. If you'd look here..." he walked to a different side of the machine, and pulled out a screen from... somewhere. The screen showed nine seperate profiles for each of the mercs, and, after tapping on Dell's, a figure of a dog (specifically a Corgie) appeared on the screenwith Dell's information next to it. "...this shows th' current state of anybody linked to th' Respawn. However, if Ah do _this_..." He tapped a tab at the top, and the screen shifted a bit before showing the exact same thing. "..._this _shows th' records logged into each profile, which is what Respawn uses to recreate us from death." Ms. Pauling paled.

"So... this is Respawn's permanent records for the nine REDs." Jeb nodded solemnly.

"Somethin' messed it up t' make each of 'em dogs..." Ms. Pauling frowned.

"Or some_one_ ruined the records."

"Waht d'ya mean, ma'am?" Dell asked.

"Think about it; if it was just a normal glitch in the system, the odds of making each of you dogs would be astronomical. Not to mention the records show different dog breeds, which are rather odd considering each of you turned into something fitting your ethnicities. Top that with the fact that you all still seem sane, rather than thinking like dogs, and this doesn't look like a simple accident."

"Ten bucks says yer Spah was responsible, cos." Dell grumbled. Jeb sighed.

"I dunno what's got intah him lately... He's never been this... _obsessed_... with a 'target' b'fore, and little Naruto's been his focus since he first saw the kid."

"So this is just another plot to capture mah son, huh?" Dell growled. "If he even _thinks _about layin' a _finger _on him, I'm gonna rip him apart!" Ms. Pauling sighed, and headed to the door.

"I'll have to report this to the Administrator... In the meantime, try and keep Heavy with him at all times. A bear-hunting dog should be enough of a guard for Naruto." She opened the door. "BLU Engineer, keep working on Respawn as fast as possible. There should be enough time for you to finish before-" she broke off as Dell suddenly snapped his head to the open door and stood stock still. "...Dell?"

"Shhh..." His ears perked up, listening to something that the two humans couldn't.

"What d'ya hear?" Jeb whispered. A thumping noise slowly traveled down the hall through the open door, getting louder and louder each second.

"Wait... is that a..." Ms. Pauling started, before a small object bounced past the door behind her. Dell barked in excitement, and darted off after it seconds later. He jumped up, and caught the object in his mouth, before turning back to Ms. Pauling and Jeb to proudly show off the ball in his mouth.

"Ah goh ih!" he stated happily. Jeb winced.

"Uh, cos? Ya _sure _ya want ta be stickin' around?" he asked warily. Dell tilted his head, confused.

"Whah do you-" he broke off as a cacophony of barking was heard further down the hall. Scout suddenly slid into view from an intersection, and shouted once he saw Dell with the ball.

"HARDHAT'S GOT IT!"

"_WHAT?!_"

"Ah'm gonnah ruh nah..." Dell stated worriedly.

"You do that." Dell took off, screaming as the rest of the team chased him.

He didn't get very far with his limp.

After the mercs finished accosting him, and retrieved the ball to return to Naruto, Jeb ran over to his cousin. Dell was lying on the floor, groaning in pain.

"Dell! Are ya okay?"

"Hurt's like hell... but Ah'll live." Jeb sighed tiredly.

"What happened? Ah saw ya limpin' while ya ran..." His voice died down as Dell scoffed and shifted his body to show his front-right paw. Or, rather, the stump in place of his paw. "Ohhhh... that."

"Yes, '_that_'. Whoever screwed up mah DNA data probably decided to throw it in t' torment me more..." He sighed. "Ah well, I reckon Ah deserve it anyways, after-"

"You shut yer mouth 'fore I shut if fer ya," Jeb snapped. "You know as well as Ah that it wasn't yer fault. Accidents happen, but don' blame yerself..." Dell scoffed again, though more in defeat than before.

"If ya don' mind, I'll be headin' off..." Dell picked himself off the floor, and limped away. Jeb sighed as he watched his cousin go, and Ms. Pauling walked up next to the BLU.

"He's never forgiven himself fer th' accident, even if it ain't his fault." Ms. Pauling frowned, but remained silent. "If I could jus' bring 'em back with th' Respawn, I would... But that's a violation of mah contract, eh?"

"It's also completely impossible."

"That too..." Jeb sighed. "Ya better tell Ms. Administrator about mah findin's. She should know sooner rather than later."

"I was on my way to do so." With that, Ms. Pauling headed off to the Conference Room, swallowing nervously as she did so.

If there was one thing the Administrator hated, it was subordinates who disrupt the system.

Be it intentional or not.

...

...

_(For this scene, I'm going to request that you listen to 'a picture of your grandparents when they were young' by Lullatone. You'll find them on Bandcamp or Youtube)_

...

Jeb finally caught a rest an hour later, having finished fixing anything that had been broken except the DNA records, and decided to see what his little nephew was up to.

He found him calmly eating a slice of toast on a crate, while he watched Soldier, Demo, Sniper, Scout, and Pyro panting in exhaustion a few feet away.

The little boy couldn't have looked any more smug than he did right there.

"Little nephew!" Jeb greeted. Naruto's head snapped in his direction at the voice, and gave a grin and a happy wave at the sight of Jeb.

"Hewwo Uhcle Jeh!" Naruto replied through a mouthful of toast. Jeb snickered a bit before taking a seat next to his nephew.

"No one ever teach ya not ta speak with yer mouth full?" Naruto pulled a face, and swallowed everything in his mouth.

"Dad hasn't gotten around to that yet, and I don't think anyone else around here really cares... Except maybe Spy, but I don't listen to him."

"Really? And how did ya manage t' put him in place, fer once?" Naruto smirked, and leaned in close as if to tell a secret.

"I out-stealthed him. He couldn't find me for three hours... at _first_. Then he made another bet against me, and couldn't find me for _four_ hours... then five... then six... At that point, I think he just gave up, and kept what _little _dignity he had left." Jeb blinked in shock, before bursting out laughing, with Sniper weakly chuckling from his spot on the floor.

"Th-that Spah... He couldn't even find a kid fer _six hours_?!" He let out another peal of laughter, Naruto joining in this time, and they remained that way for a few more minutes before quieting down. "But seriously, how'd ya do it?"

"Being the Prankster King of your village means that the ninjas are gonna come after you often. I've gotten so much practice running and hiding from entire platoons of shinobi, one person isn't much of a challenge anymore." Jeb chuckled again, with a wistful sigh. "What's wrong?"

"Nothin', nothin'... Just thinkin' about how much ya resemble cos'." Naruto's eyes grew wide.

"Seriously?"

"No joke! I remember when we were kids- Actually, here. I've got some photos from back then t' show ya!" He reached into his pocket, and retrieved several monochrome pictures, slightly weathered with age. There was a photo of a tall man looking down at a kid, presumably his son, who was trying on a hardhat. "That lil' one right there? That's yer dad."

"No way! He's so..."

"Skinny?"

"I was gonna say blonde, but that works too!"

"He actually looked quite a lot like you do, if ya look close... Now this one right here, that's me an' him!" Naruto looked at the next photo handed to him, and saw a boy leaning against a mirror.

"But Uncle Jeb (Naruto didn't notice the joyous face Jeb pulled right then), this is just a picture of dad leaning against a mirror!" Jeb snorted a laugh.

"Really? After I told ya me 'n him were practically twins?" Naruto gasped as he took a closer look, realizing that there _wasn't _a mirror at all.

"You two looks exactly alike! Which one is you, though?" Jeb gasped in mock-hurt.

"After all this time, ya can't even recognize yer own dad 'n yer uncle? Shame on you!" Naruto giggled aloud. "Ah'm on th' left, just fer clarification."

"Do you have any other photos?" Jeb shuffled through the pile, and stopped at one towards the back. He paused for several seconds, before hesitantly passing it along to Naruto.

"This, um... This was yer dad and... his wife." Naruto's smile faded away, and he took the photo from his uncle's hand gently. The photo was of his father, linked arm-in-arm with a blonde woman, who was several inches taller than Dell, and had the face of an angel. Both were staring into each other's eyes as they lay against a bed of grass, and not even an aging photo could hide the amount of love those two shared for one another.

"She looks pretty. Did Dad love her?" Jeb swallowed heavily, but nodded.

"Yeah... He really loved her..." Naruto frowned sadly.

"Do you think... she could've been my kaa-san?"

"Oh, I don't doubt that one bit. She was a real firecracker, ya know? But even with her temper, she was th' sweetest person in tha world t' kids. She would've taken ya in in a heartbeat." Naruto sighed. "And ya would've had some siblin's too..."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah... but, unfortunately, she passed away 'fore yer dad got ta see 'em..."

"...Bad things happen to good people, I guess..." Jeb blinked in surprise.

"Anyone ever tell you ya act mature fer yer age sometimes?" Naruto shrugged as he took another bite of toast.

"Mrrdhc rzrrhy rrhs."

"And what did Ah tell you 'bout talkin' with yer mouth full?!"

...

...

Over on the side, the five exhausted dogs managed to climb into comfortable sitting positions where they lay.

"Pssh, guy's just actin' phony for the kid..." Scout growled. Pyro looked at him in concern.

"D-do you really think so?" He glanced over at the two as they laughed over old photos. "He seems to be really nice, and I'm not getting any bad vibes off of him..."

"No one is doubting your instincts, private!" Soldier 'whispered' to Pyro. "However, this may be another elaborate plot by the BLUs to steal our resident kid!"

"He can't do that! Squirt's ours!" Scout argued.

"Calm down, mates..." Sniper attempted to placate. "Kid's not goin' anywhere. 'Course, he's gotten really close with tha BLU, so I wouldn' recommend tryin' ta split 'em apart; th' ankle-bitah would _hate _us for it..."

"Oy, yah all fergotten tha most importan' thing..." Demo interjected. "Tha BLU is th' one responsible fer turnin' us back ta humans, which means he c'n keep us like this ferevah if he felt like it!"

"That _bastard_!" Scout growled. The bad mood intensified, until Soldier, Scout, and Demo were all glaring at the BLU with fury. Pyro and Sniper, the only sane ones, looked back and forth between the three with dumbfounded expression.

"You... I can't... I don't even understand what is wrong with you guys anymore. I'm leaving." Pyro stood up and walked away. Sniper just sighed, and slumped down tiredly. Pyro passed by a sullen Dell on his way out, and quickly muttered to him, "The guys are getting too over-dramatic about your cousin; they somehow think he's going to steal Naruto away." Dell stared at him, disgusted.

"Are ya shittin' me?"

"I wish. I'm guessing they're just jealous Naruto's so close with Jeb all of a sudden..." Dell sighed, comprehension dawning on him.

"All right... Thanks fer lettin' me know." Pyro's face lit up, and his tail started to wag back and forth unconsciously.

"You're welcome!" he replied, and happily continued on his way. Dell stared at the Dalmatian as he walked off, shaking his head to clear it after a minute.

"...he got close 'nough, Ah punched him right in tha gut fer tossin' me!" Jeb finished that old story about the mechanical bull, Naruto laughing at the ending.

"I'll have to remember that trick! What else did you guys do?" Unfortunately, that was the moment the two heard the nearby dogs growling at the BLU menacingly. Jeb glanced over, and noticed Dell standing behind them in the doorway.

"Erm, hey cos'? Can ya tell yer colleagues ta stop glarin' at me? Like, right now?" Naruto simply sighed, and dug around in his pocket for a moment, before withdrawing the ball from earlier.

Five heads suddenly snapped to attention, focusing completely on the ball in Naruto's hand. Within seconds, four dogs darted down a random hallway, chasing after a haphazardly bouncing ball, while the fifth was hobbling after them with his three feet.

"Not... *haff-huff*... Not fair!" Dell groaned out. Naruto's eyes widened as he realized his father was caught up in the frenzy. Before Dell could get too far, Naruto had already hopped off the crate, and snatched the Corgie off his path.

"Whoops! Didn't mean to get you caught up in that too!" Dell struggled for a few more minutes, before his human mind seemed to take back control.

"Heh... No harm done, Naruto... No harm done..."

"Thanks fer that, by th' way, lil' nephew!"

"Eh, they needed to be put in their place, that's all."

...

...

_(Three days later...)_

Naruto lazily swung his foot back and forth through the air, as he laid back against the couch. Him and the mercenaries had caught a period to rest, and rest they did, as all nine canines were sprawled about the room, trying to catch some sleep from their 'play session' earlier...

...at least, _eight _of them were trying to rest. The ninth, however-

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, _c'mon_! Throw it again! Throw it again, _please_!" Scout begged as he bounced back and forth to the side of Naruto. Naruto sighed, and tilted his head to look at Scout.

"You know exactly what will happen if I do, though; the rest of the team will go after the ball as well, and I'm not letting Dad hurt himself more by running on his bad leg." Dell scoffed from his position over in the corner.

"Gee, thanks son."

"You know what I mean, dad!" Heavy grunted out a laugh.

"Leetle племянник making fun of elders? Tell Heavy something do not already know." The team chuckled at the joke as Naruto grew a pout.

"Old дядя making fun of little kids? Tell me something _I _don't know." This time, all of the team laughed aloud at Naruto's rebuttal, with even Heavy unable to keep himself from laughing.

"Leetle племянник learned! Heavy is glad _something _got through thick head!" Naruto's eyes went wide, and he couldn't keep himself from groaning.

"Ohoho... Oh no you did _not_!" Naruto mock-growled out.

"Haha! He got ya good, squirt!" Scout laughed out. "Yeah, ya really got-" And then, the dog froze in place. His head whirled around, scanning the room, has he sniffed the air suspiciously.

"Boy? What's got ya so upset?" Dell asked. Scout kept up his task for a few more seconds, before settling down and relaxing slightly.

"I'm... not sure... I think I caught a wiff of somethin', but I guess it was just my imagination or somethin'..." he answered hesitantly. Dell hummed in thought, but everyone eventually settled down. Naruto attempted to relax too, but he was suddenly feeling uneasy.

Something wasn't right in this room, and he didn't like it.

_"Kurama?"_

**_"What." _**The reply came, short and impatient.

_"Does something seem... off? There's just something wrong, and I can't figure out what it is."_

**_"Not my concern unless you're about ready to die. Figure it out yourself." _**Naruto resisted the urge to scowl.

_'Some help _he _was...'_

**_"I heard that."_**

_"Stop listening to my thoughts!"_

**_"Well, that's an easy fix if you simply relea-"_**

_"I'm just gonna cut you off there, and say 'No way!'" _He heard a dark growl in the back of his head.

_**"Fine! Suffer through this yourself!" **_The presence of the fox vanished, and Naruto frowned worriedly.

What was Kurama talking about?

He started to slowly scan the room, as nonchalantly as possible while thoroughly checking every nook and cranny to find the source of his unease. His eyes trailed over the prone forms of the dogs, searching to see anything around them. Once he finished, he looked over the rest of the room, going from corner to-

Ah. So _that's _what's happening.

Right in the far corner of the room, furthest from Scout, the was an ever-so-subtle indent in the carpeting. Most would view it as nothing, but Naruto knew about BLU Spy's little 'toy'.

His lips creeped up into a grin, as he slowly undid the latch on his kunai pouch Jiji had given him last birthday... that he didn't end up in the hospital. He grasped a single knife, and slid it out of the pouch, where he then proceeded to lazily spin it around his finger using the loop on the hilt. Several of the dogs' eyes watched him as he did so, confused by his actions.

"Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"What're ya doin'?" Naruto stopped twirling the kunai, as though pondering the question.

"This." He suddenly sat up, and threw the kunai directly at the invisible Spy's location, praying for it to make contact. The knife struck the wall, and stayed there, while the team jumped up at the sudden act of violence.

"Naruto! What're ya doin'?!" Dell demanded. Naruto didn't answer, choosing instead to watch the Spy's location, and scowling when he saw a drop of blood drip down from empty air.

"SPY!" Scout howled, smelling the freshly drawn blood, and growling when the blue form flickered into view. The BLU scowled at the blonde as the team of dogs immediately assumed defensive positions.

"I must wonder, sometimes, whezzer you are more trouble zan you are worth." Naruto smirked in response.

"You've got ten seconds ta git out'a here, 'fore I rip yer face off..." Dell snarled. The Spy only laughed.

"And what if I shot you? What zen?" He reached into a suit pocket, and pulled out a revolver. The Ambassador, to be exact. "I suggest zat ze boy comes quietly, or somebody will end up wiz a bullet in zheir head."

"And how iz zhat a threat? It vould kill us, yes, but ve haff zhe Respawn to revive us," Medic retorted.

"Oh? You mean ze broken one? Yes, I see how zat would bring you back... Or would it?" He gestured to Naruto with the gun. "Now, I suggest you follow me, or I will shoot someone." Naruto glared darkly at the Spy, but slumped with defeat before slowly walking over next to the man.

"Naruto! Don't go with him!" Naruto turned back to his dad with a sad smile.

"Sorry dad... but I can't let him hurt any of you." The Spy scowled in disgust, and prodded Naruto in the back with his gun.

"Move."

...

...

The walk was long and silent. The BLU Spy kept a hand on Naruto's shoulder the entire time, the gun's chamber poking him in the shoulder blades as they moved. Luckily, the dogs didn't follow them on their way out, probably not wanting to make Naruto's sacrifice in vain.

Of course, Naruto wasn't just going to sit down and take this either.

With no one else in the way of his plan, it was the best time for him to act. Slowly, without alerting the BLU to his actions, Naruto used one of his covered tails to sneak down into his weapon pouch and withdraw a smoke bomb. If he could simply throw it on the ground, then he'd get his chance to escape, maybe alert the Administrator (again), and get the REDs to safety.

All he needed was a distraction.

"And what, may I ask, is going on here?" Ms. Pauling demanded from directly behind them.

The Spy blanched dramatically, and Naruto closed his eyes as he inwardly cursed.

"Ms. Pauling. How... _lovely _to see you..." Spy greeted. Pauling was _not _happy.

"Jacques Deumont... To the best of your knowledge, who is your employer?"

"...ze Administrator..."

"Who is the current boss of BLU, yes?"

"_Oui_."

"And she is _also _the boss of RED, am I correct?"

"..._oui_."

"So then tell me what made you think that it would be okay to pull a stunt like this _multiple times_?!"

"He would be an asset-"

"Don't give me that story again. Blutarch does not pay attention to a single thing that happens in BLU, so he's not giving you these orders, and we _both know _the Administrator isn't doing so either. And he _is _an asset, to _RED_. So, I'll ask you again: why are you doing this?"

"Wait, the owners aren't the bosses?" Naruto interrupted. Ms. Pauling shrugged unsuredly.

"Eh, they kind of are. I mean, they're too busy squabbling with one another daily to really do anything related to the Team Fortress program. The Administrator works for the both of them at the same time, but neither actually knows it, and she just runs both companies simultaneously with neither the wiser."

"Oh... that doesn't make much sense."

"Trust me, you learn to not question the Mann brothers' sanity after a while. But back to what I was saying earlier-"

"What in _tarnation _is goin' on here?!" Naruto nearly groaned in exasperation as his uncle came from the opposite end of the corridor, red with rage. Spy sighed tiredly.

"_Monsieur _Jebediah. What are you doing?"

"What am I doin'... What am _I _doin'?! I'm workin' on fixin' tha Respawn that _you _screwed up! Ya turned mah own cousin intah a dog, Spy!"

"I actually never meant for zat to happen..."

"'Course you did! How else would their DNA codes be mixed up with dogs'?!"

"...Million-to-one odds?" Jeb groaned in sheer frustration and put his head in his hands.

"And there I was, workin' on fixin' yer screw-up, when in comes nine dogs, barkin' up a storm 'n tellin' me that ya kidnapped mah _nephew_. I'm not happy, Spy. Not. Happy."

"You didn't have a problem wiz it ze first time we tried to capture him."

"I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS DELL'S KID!"

Naruto sighed as he watched the three adults continue to bicker back and forth. Deciding to finally act, he cleared his throat loudly, causing the arguing trio to stop and look at him.

"So, this has been _extremely _fun and all, but I'd rather just stop the BS Train now. See ya!" The tail with the smoke-bomb quickly shot out to throw said bomb onto the ground, instantly releasing a cloud throughout the hallway. Spy let a single shot ring out of his Ambassador, but hit nothing. Snarling with anger, he cloaked himself and ran back to the room he originally revealed himself.

Plan B was now in motion.

...

...

Naruto wasn't sure if he was going to make it.

Oh, sure, he spent almost all of his time here, and it certainly helps that he explored every single inch of this base, but there was nothing to say the Spy hadn't snooped around here as well.

Kami knows the RED Spy does the same in the BLU base...

With that in mind, he kept his little legs pumping as fast as he could, so as to warn his family of his escape.

...

Heh... His family. He wondered when he first began to think of them like that...

Finally, he heard snippets of arguing between his father and Heavy-oji.

"I DON'T CARE IF AH'M GONNA GIT SHOT! HE AIN'T TAKING MAH SON FROM _ME_!" Dell screamed.

"Will not do leetle племянник good if you put племянник in danger," Heavy replied with calm sorrow. Dell simply roared in fury and pain, and slumped to the ground.

Naruto burst into the room, breathing heavily from running so fast.

"NARUTO!" Nine voices cried at once. He shook his head at them worriedly.

"No time... Spy... on his way... Run!" he panted out.

"But Naruto..." Pyro started.

"RUN!" Naruto cut him off. Eight dogs listened to him, albeit unwillingly, while Naruto scooped up his dad and quickly bolted out of the room as fast as he could with the Corgi in his arms.

"What're ya doin', boy?! Just leave me! He wants you more than me!"

"And if he finds you lying there? He'll either kill you or use you against me! And I'm not about to let that happen!"

"You little _shit_!" Naruto looked back out of habit and fear, and yelped when a bullet whizzed past his ear, barely missing.

"FUCK!"

"Language!" Dell snapped.

"Are we _really _going to talk about this _now_?!"

"You're grounded when this is over!"

"What the _hell_?!" He turned a corner, another bullet ricocheting off the wall behind him.

"You better stop while yer ahead! Or Ah'm dealin' out another week!"

"Stop it! I'm busy saving both our asses!"

"_Three weeks now_!"

"STOP IT!"

**_"This is so goddamn amusing…"_**

"SHUT IT YOU STUPID FOX-_ARGH_!" A third shot rang out, this time hitting its mark. Naruto's ear exploded in pain, a bullet having gone straight through. He fell to the ground, bleeding and disoriented, while Dell flew forward into a tumble for several feet.

"Naruto!" Dell pulled himself to his feet. He hobbled over to Naruto worriedly, but froze when he saw the BLU Spy walking towards them angrily.

"Tch... A razzer amusing chase, but ze game stops here." Dell snarled at the Frenchman.

"Over mah dead body."

"Zat can be arranged." Naruto lifted his head up blearily.

"D-dad... run. Get out now..." he mumbled.

"Shut up!" Spy snapped.

"Don't you dare-" Dell shut up when the gun cocked itself again.

"Now, since you cannot be trusted, I'm afraid you will need... _incentive_." He gestured at Dell with his gun. "You will come along with us, just so he doesn't try anything else." Dell assumed a defensive position in front of Naruto's collapsed form, and bared his teeth menacingly.

"Ya ain't takin' him from me, ya son of a bitch." Spy sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes.

"You try to be nice..." Before the Corgi could even blink, a bullet had made its way through his chest. There wasn't even a sound from the dog as he fell over, blood seeping from the wound. "...and zey spit in your face."

...

"DAD! NO!" Naruto shrieked.

"You son of a _bitch_!" A voice from behind the Spy yelled. Before he could turn around, a wrench found its way into his skull, and he went down hard. In his place was Jeb, breathing heavily and holding a wrench in a death-grip.

"T-traitor..." Spy grunted out weakly. Jeb snorted with anger.

"I don't care if he's on a different team than me; he is mah _brother_, and I'll be DAMNED 'fore I let some asshole kill him!" The Spy passed into unconsciousness, and Jeb turned his attention to his two, wounded relatives. "Shit... alright, I need ya ta run and find Ms. Pauling, okay Naruto? Tell her what happened, and tell her cos needs ta git t' tha hospital. Understand?" Naruto nodded frantically, and bolted off. Jeb knelt down, pulled a cloth out of one of his many pockets, and applied pressure to the wound.

"J-Jeb? Is... is Naru..."

"Shhhh, cos'; don't worry your lil' head off. Naruto's fine, and Spy's down fer th' count." Dell breathed a sigh of relief.

"Tha's good... C'n Ah go thrugh Rrspawn?"

"Shit... naw, ya can't, cos'. It's still on shut-down."

"Hmmm...shame. Thought Ah'd survive this..."

"Don't talk like that! Yer not dyin' on me here!"

"But... Ah'm... tired..." Dell mumbled.

"Dell! Don't fall asleep! Ya gotta keep yerself awake, no matter what!"

"DAD!" Jeb looked up to see Naruto running as fast as he could with Ms. Pauling in tow. She quickly knelt down next to the dog, quickly scanning over his injuries.

"Shit..." she breathed. "How long since he was shot?"

"Like, two minutes? And a half?"

"Then we still have time." She quickly took off her suit jacket and bundled up Dell inside of it, before darting off.

"Where are ya goin'?!" Jeb cried as he and Naruto quickly took off after her.

"My car! We have to get him to the veterinarian immediately!"

"Can't we just use the Medi-gun?!" Naruto asked, distraught.

"We could... except the BLU Spy practically destroyed the entirety of the Infirmary." Naruto let out a cry of frustration. "I understand, Naruto; the BLU Spy is going to extreme lengths if he'd do something like this. The best we can do right now, though, is compensate." Finally, _finally_, the reached the garage, where a purple scooter was parked. Unfortunately, there was only one possible seating area, and she was already planning to fit a dog into that single seat. Pauling looked to her ride, then looked back at Jeb helplessly.

"It's fine," he assured her. "You git goin', and me and Naruto will follow along in mah truck." She nodded to him thankfully, quickly situated herself into the Vespa, turned on the ignition, and pealed out of the garage. Jeb grabbed Naruto's shoulder, and gently pulled him towards a blue truck parked outside the garage.

"C'mon, lil' nephew; I'll follow along behind her." Naruto didn't move, his head bowed. "Naruto?"

"What... what if he doesn't make it?" Jeb gaped for a moment. "What then?! Am I supposed to go back to Konoha?!" He looked up at his uncle, tears streaming down his face. "I can't go back there ever again! Not with these!" He gestured to his three tails waving about behind him.

"Wh- How did you-"

"They already call me a 'demon brat' when I look normal; what are they gonna do when they find out I have _fox tails_?!" He let out a choked sob, and fell to his hands and knees. "I... I can't do it... I rather **die **than go back there..."

"Naruto! Don't ever say anythin' like that again!" Naruto looked up to see his uncle standing in front of him; hands on his hips and a frown on his face. "You think that, just cuz Dell die, I ain't gonna love ya like family anymore?!" Naruto's eyes widened in realization, and he hastily wiped his tears.

"No, no that's not what-"

"Because let me get somethin' straight with ya: us Conaghers stick together, no matter what! And even if Ah didn't take care of ya, what about yer friends on RED?!"

"But, I'm just 'Engie's kid' to them!" Jeb raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"Ya already adopted th' Heavy 'n Soldier as yer uncles, and Scout as yer brother. I doubt any of 'em, much less _those _three, are just gonna abandon you after somethin' like this." Naruto ducked his head, feeling absolutely ashamed. "Now, are ya gonna come with me so we can check up on cos'?" Naruto gave one last sniffle, before nodding his head and standing up.

...

...

Ten minutes after Ms. Pauling dropped Dell off at the local vet in Teufort, Naruto and Jeb burst through the door.

"How's Dell doin'?" Jeb asked worriedly. Ms. Pauling turned to them, mouth set in a grim line.

"The doctor said he'd do what he could... but that we shouldn't get our hopes up." Naruto gasped in shock, and teared up slightly. Jeb put a reassuring hand on his nephew's shoulder and squeezed. "There's nothing we can do but wait and see."

And they did.

.

.

.

"We've got your dog all patched up. He's stable and mending, but we'll need to keep him overnight so that he doesn't relapse for any reason."

Naruto let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding since the doctor walked into the waiting room.

"So, he'll be okay?" Jeb clarified. Receiving a nod in response, he sighed in relief and slumped down in his chair.

"This is why I tell you to lock up behind you," Ms. Pauling began, looking pointedly at Jeb and Naruto. "If it's not Dell, who knows _what_ will end up in the shed out back?" Naruto nearly snorted with laughter.

"What? You mean, like snakes and-or rats?" he asked with a grin. Jeb barked out a laugh, and even the purple assistant cracked a smile.

"More like a dirty, little cockroach." Naruto and Jeb both burst into laughter at that, the veterinarian staring at them with confusion.

"Inside joke?" he asked Pauling.

"You could say that..." Humming in confusion, the doctor retreated back to where he came from while Jeb and Naruto attempted to control their laughter. "In any case, there's no need to stay here tonight. We should probably head back to the base." That sobered up the blonde quick.

"Oh, but, can I say goodbye to da-Dell at least?" Ms. Pauling considered it for a moment, before looking at the receptionist on duty.

Catching the hint, she answered, "Well, I'll call Dr. Rosbunt in, and you can ask him. I must warn you, though, that your dog may still be under at this time, and he'll be sleeping." Ms. Pauling nodded as the receptionist took the time to call the doctor.

"We will need to grab the collar off of him. He was unconscious at the time, so he didn't _say _anything, but I'd rather not let him accidentally start talking when he wakes up," she whispered to Jeb, getting a nod in understanding. The doctor walked back in, looking to be almost relieved the laughter had stopped.

"Your dog is currently still under, but I can let you say goodbye to him before you leave."

"_Arigatou_." The doctor started, and looked at Naruto weirdly, but led him into a back room full of (mostly) empty kennels.

"He's in the one at the end. I'll leave you for a moment, while I... get paperwork cleared up." Naruto nodded in appreciation, and the doctor retreated out of the room quickly. Naruto took a deep breath, and walked over to the end. Inside the bars was a drowsy Corgi, eyes half-opened and head slumped down on his paws.

"Hey..." Naruto said softly. "Are you doing okay in here?" Dell gave a quiet little bark in response, which Naruto took to mean he was fine.

"Well, you're going to have to stay overnight... I guess they don't want you to get hurt again in the middle of the night."

Dell snorted at the thought.

"I know, I know; you're too smart to do something like that, but what happens if something _did _happen?"

A small bark.

"Medic's equipment was wrecked before BLU Spy came to snatch me."

Dell groaned.

"I know it sucks, but there's nothing we can do-"

"NARUTO!" a voice cried from somewhere in the building. Naruto gasped as he recognized who it was, and groaned in frustration.

"They... did... _not_." Five seconds later, Scout burst through the door to the room, followed by Soldier, Demo, Pyro, and Heavy.

"NARUTO! WHAT'RE YOU-"

"-been searching the entire town for you!"

"BLU took leetle племянник from base-"

"-did that traitor do anything to you, Private?"

"...what're we even doin' here?"

"ENOUGH!" Naruto yelled. All five immediately shut up at the look on his face, and even Dell seemed to shrink back a little further in his kennel. "I can_not _believe you would do something like this! Do you honestly distrust Jeb-oji that much?" Heavy growled at the title, but Naruto gave him a look. "Shut it, you. What were you five _thinking_?!"

"Well, Sniper saw that BLU Engineer had driven away with you in the truck, so we got... worried..." Pyro offered hesitantly.

"Meaning to say, you thought he was working with the BLU Spy."

"Of course he was! He was there the night he shot your dad!" Scout argued.

"HE DIDN'T KNOW THE SPY BROUGHT HIS GUN! I already talked to him about that, and he told me he 'punished' Spy for that little incident."

"'Punished?'" Naruto smirked.

"Oh, Scout, you should know what and Engineer's punishment is towards stupid teammates." Scout blanched, and Dell barked out a small laugh. Heavy gave a small sigh.

"Look... Heavy and team may have... 'over-acted'... but Heavy wanted to make sure leetle племянник was safe." Naruto sighed.

"I know, and I get that, but you guys need to give Jeb-oji some trust, okay? He hasn't done a thing since he arrived, other than work on fixing Respawn for us. The RED Team. Just... give him a chance, okay?" Seeing all five nod their heads, ashamed, Naruto sighed in relief. "Alright. So, what about Medic, Sniper, and Spy?"

"They're with Ms. Pauling and the BLU- Jeb." Scout corrected himself mid-sentence. Naruto waved them out.

"Then you go out and wait with them while I finish talking with Dad, okay?" The five dogs slowly left the room. Naruto turned back to his, still sleepy, dad-turned-dog, and reached through the bars as best he could to grab a hold of his left paw. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Dell nodded his head ever-so-subtly in response, and Naruto left the room.

Naruto entered the Waiting Room, greeted by eight dogs, Ms. Pauling, and his uncle. He wiped a stray tear from his eye, and stared defiantly at the crowd in front of him.

"We're leaving, yes?" He quickly walked past the group and out into the night, said group following him quickly enough.

"By th' way, Naruto..."

"What is it?"

"...yer ear is still bleedin'."

...

..

.

_(Two days later...)_

"Bye Jeb-oji! Thanks for all your help!" Naruto called out as Jeb headed back to his own base. Jeb waved back without turning around, and Naruto headed back into his own base. As he headed to his room, he passed by the team's Conference Room, and noticed that the door was open a crack and that voices were coming from within.

Being the ever-present sneakster that he was, Naruto stooped by the door to listen in.

"...still can_not _believe we got turned into dogs. Ah wouldn' care if it was just a few of us, but th' _entire team_?! Ah swear, this _better not happen again_, d'yall hear me?!" Naruto heard his dad say crossly. There was a sigh. "Not sayin' it was any 'a yer guys' fault fer all that happened... But Ah still want ta thank y'all."

"Um, for what?" Scout asked.

"Fer not fallin' apart on Naruto." There was a pause. "Look, we all know that we ain't th' best of friends; hell, Ah'm surprised we even make it outta th' Respawn room intact on a Fightin' Day, what with th' way we act 'round each other."

"Your confidence in us iz _overwhelming_, _Mounsieur _Engineer," Spy cut in sarcastically.

"_My point is_, is that y'all didn't do that with Naruto bein' th' only one who could'a possibly helped us. He was alone in th' base, with nothin' but nine dogs fer company, and y'all helped him no matter what. Even with th' Spah comin' in 'n wreckin' everythin', y'all did good."

There was another, less tense pause.

"Вы можете, брат по оружию," Heavy said.

"No problem, Hardhat."

"Mmph-hmm!"

"_Bitte sehr_,"

"Welcome."

"NO THANKS NEEDED, SOLDIER!"

"No prob,"

"_Pas de quoi_,"

The team stood there in awkward silence for several seconds, until they heard a quiet sound outside of the door. Sighing in amusement, Engineer walked over to the door and opened it to see Naruto skipping away down the hall.

"You sneak! That was a private conversation!" Engineer yelled jokingly, as he ran after his son.

* * *

**Oh my fucking-**

**I honestly cannot do this to you people anymore.**

**I say I'm gonna get this shit done, and I planned on having it done _two weeks ago._**

***sigh*...**

**Anyways, here's Wonderwall**

**~_Kage Musha_**


	10. Birthday Beatdown

**Starting this the day after Chapter 9 was posted...**

**Let's see how long _this _takes, shall we?**

_Any bets?! Place yer bets here, bets taken! _

_One writer! One chapter! High School and college and working on actually getting a job are against him!_

_How long will it take him? 10-1 odds say one month, 5-1 say two, and one person has even bet on him not even completing said chapter!_

_Exciting, isn't it?!_

**Kenta... why...**

_Easy money, friend._

**When do _you _care about money, of all things?**

_Dude, in this economy? Money is all that keeps me doing my hobby nowadays._

**But... I mean... You're taking bets! Isn't gambling illegal in our state?!**

_...Fine then; only people who live in gambling-legalized states can bet._

**You can't run the betting station _here_, is my point.**

_...Shit!_

**Anyways... Enjoy!**

* * *

dellsighed as he stared at the calender.

It fell on a cease-fire day, this year, which was rather lucky for him, since he didn't have to deal with the Administrator's anger.

His only problem this year was explaining everything to-"Hey DAD!"

Naruto.

"Dad! Look! I built a _tiny _little mouse!" He opened his hand to dell to reveal a small, metal mouse, skeleton and gears visible for the world to see. On its back, there was a little wind-up key. "When you wind it up like this..." here, he demonstrated before placing the toy on the floor, "...it moves on its own!" The little mouse whirled around their feet, giving tiny little squeaks as it went.

Even with _that _day looming in front of him, dell couldn't help but crack a small grin.

"Ya did good, Naru. Hell, ya might even take mah job from me someday!" Naruto giggled at the _absurd _thought and picked up the mechanical mouse before re-pocketing it.

"Anyways, what _you _up to today?" dell internally winced at the question.

"O-oh, just, um, takin' care of some extra work, y'know?! I-I might be gone fer a bit t'day, though... or longer than that." Naruto's grin shrank a bit.

"Oh... okay..." dell sighed, before ruffling his son's hair.

"Ah promise, we'll spend th' _entire day _together on another cease-fire day; just not this one, 'kay?" Naruto's smile returned in full, and he nodded excitedly before running off with a, "'Kay! See you later, then!" The moment he was out of sight, Dell let out a sigh. He turned around to head to the garage...

...and nearly fell over after crashing into a stranger in a black, hooded jacket.

"Ow! What the- who the _hell _are-"

"Jeez, Engie! It's only me!" dell blinked in shock.

"..._Pyro_?!" The hooded man grinned sheepishly. They quickly stood up and brushed themselves off, giving dell a chance to look at what his new outfit was.

He was wearing the jacket (duh), over a pair of dark navy jeans along with a pair of black board shoes. The hood of the jacket nearly covered his entire head, but Pyro had also put on a pair of aviators to cover up even more. It almost looked like he was trying to cover up as much skin as possible, what with the dark gloves completely hiding his hands. Pretty much the only skin showing was his mouth, and even that was barely visible due to the hood shadowing his face.

"Ummm... tryin' out a new look?" Pyro glanced down at his clothes, and looked back up with a grimace.

"W-well, Naruto said I should try to, um, expose myself a little more... That, you know, you guys can't actually understand me with my mask on..."

"Well, it ain't like we don' understand ya; it's just close t' impossible t' do so." Pyro's face fell, and dell nearly face-palmed after he re-ran that sentence through his head. "OH! Nononononono-that's... that came out wrong..." He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment.

"I-It's f-fine, Engie..."

They stood there, awkwardly, in silence for a few seconds.

"Oh!" Pyro's head snapped up. "I almost forgot to ask! Do you mind if I borrow your tool shed for a bit?" dell tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"What do ya need my shed for? If ya need somethin' fixed, Ah can do it for ya m'self."

"Well, I usually take care of my flamethrowers myself, so-"

"Wait, what d'ya mean?"

"I built all my flamethrowers from scratch; it's only natural I take care of them myself."

"You _build _yer weapons?!" Pyro seemed rather surprised at Dell's shock.

"You didn't know?" Dell shook his head. "Oh... Well, yeah, I mean, all of the flamethrowers you see me use on the battlefield were built by yours truly!"

"But then... why d'ya need mah shed?"

"Well... First off, the head's getting melted from all the heat. Then the hoses are slightly corroding from all the gas coming through. I need to refuel my tanks, and maybe check over them as well, and I need to fix the pilot light; it's been slightly lower than usual lately, and I've nearly screwed up multiple times because of it. Add the fact that my trigger is getting stiff, and I have a _lot _of maintenance to catch up on..."

"Ya might as well just build another flamethrower; save you time 'n energy!"

"Well, then, I'll _definitely _need that toolshed!" They both burst into laughter at their playful banter.

"Well, just make sure ya don't burn it down if yer gonna test it! It'd be a pretty god-awful birthday gift from you if-" Shit, he wasn't supposed to say that. Maybe if he just pretended he didn't say anything-"IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?!"

...Shit.

"Oh my gosh, _why didn't you tell us_?!" Dell grimaced.

"Look, um, Py-" Dell swore he heard the sound of footsteps further down the hall... but the thought slipped from his mind with Pyro's incessant rambling.

"Jeez, we'll have to get decorations, and presents, and a cake, and-"

"Pyro..."

"-and I know a couple party games that are pretty fun, if I could just remember the rules-"

"Pyro! Please, I don't want a party!" Pyro seemed a bit taken aback.

"Oh. Any reason?" Dell grimaced.

"...don't want to talk about it." He turned on his heel and continued to the garage. "You can use mah shed; just don't burn it down." Pyro watched him as he walked away, before glancing back further into the base then back at Dell again.

Dell had finally reached his truck, and was about to climb inside before a gloved hand slammed the door shut in front of him. He whirled around in outrage, and came face-to-face with Pyro, who had his hand out expectantly.

"Keys," was all he said.

"Pyro, wha-"

"Keys."

"What on _earth _are ya-"

"You're planning on going to a bar later today, aren't you?" Dell's mouth hung open in surprise.

"Um, yes... Yes I was..."

"Then it is _my _responsibility, as your co-worker and friend, to make sure you don't drive home after drinking as much as I suspect you'll be." Dell grew angry again, his face turning a nice shade of red.

"I have _private things _to be doin' today, Py! Ah ain't takin' ya with me!"

"There's nothing wrong with me waiting in the car while you do your 'private things', now is there?" Dell opened his mouth to argue, finger raised in preparation, but he was struck dumb by the offer, and gently settled down.

"No... Ah reckon there ain't..." Pyro nodded in satisfaction.

"Good. Now, _keys_." Dell regrettably handed over the keys to his truck, before climbing into the passenger side. Pyro hopped into the driver's seat himself, before pushing the key into the ignition, starting the engine, and pulling out of the garage to head onto the road into Teufort.

"So! Where are we going?" Pyro asked excitedly.

"Texas."

"...what."

...

...

Naruto was running about the base excitedly, looking to find somebody, _anybody_, that he could share the news with.

His father's birthday was _today_?!

Jeez, he was the worst son in history if he couldn't figure that out in time.

Either way, he knew now, and he knew it was his responsibility to make sure his father had the best. Birthday. _Ever!_

By the time lunch rolled around, the entire team had learned of his father's birthday (except for Pyro, who was mysteriously absent from the base), and all of them, sans Spy, were willing to help him in his endeavors. Naruto even ran over to get his BLU uncle to help out, who, after the Respawn Incident, was accepted a little more readily.

And with that, RED (and Jeb) set to work.

...

..

.

"Can't believe he made me drive all the way out to Texas..." Pyro grumbled as he sat in the car. As though he knew what was being said, Dell turned around as he walked off and shot Pyro a deadly look. Pyro raised his hands in surrender, and slumped back down as he continued to wait.

Dell forced Pyro to stop on the other side of a tall, hedge wall while he continued on to the inside. Obviously, he didn't want anyone to know what he was doing.

Pyro, unfortunately, was never very adept at picking up on the little things like that.

After ten minutes of waiting for Dell to return, Pyro nearly screamed in annoyance, before getting out of the car and walked right up to the hedge. He checked the area for any potential onlookers before taking a deep breath and stepping inside the bush. He crept forward through the greenery until he made it far enough in that he could see, and he poked his head out before looking around.

When he spotted Dell, and finally noticed where they were and what he was doing, Pyro blanched and quickly retreated back to the truck. He shook himself clean of any leaves, and hopped back inside the car. He closed the door just as Dell rounded the corner, tears streaking his face.

Dell jumped inside without a word and slammed the door.

They sat in silence for several seconds, before Dell glanced over and picked a stray leaf off of Pyro's hood. He glared pointedly at the fire-lover for a few seconds before sighing.

"So... do you want to-"

"I do _not _want to talk, Pyro; just take me to a bar and lemme get wasted, 'kay?" Dell interrupted. "Don' care if it's here or in Teufort; just get me to a bar." Pyro sighed in surrender before turning the ignition and driving off.

"How far is it to Teufort from Bee Cave anyhow?"

...

..

.

"Alright, so, we've got all the decorations set up?"

"AFFIRMATIVE!"

"_Non-America themed _decorations?"

"...Negatory."

"*sigh*... alright, whatever. Not a big deal. Demo! Did you get the cake finished?"

"Aye, laddie! Cooked up an' ready!"

"Did you keep explosives out of the cake?"

"...yes?"

"So, if I went over there and cut out a slice-"

"AH! I wouldn' do tha'..."

"How about this: are they 'prank' explosive, or are they 'dangerous-enough-to-blow-the-roof-off-the-building' explosive?"

"Not big enough to blow tha roof off th' place... but they ain't fun fer a prank neither."

"Oookay then... Uncle Jeb, did you get the presents for Dad?"

"...I got mine."

"B-But you were supposed to get everyone's gift for him!"

"Well, I got yer's as well, but no one actually _told me what to get_. They didn't give me any money neither, 'nd I ain't spending anythin' without knowin' what to get."

"Damn it... Anyone who doesn't have a present needs to go shopping, _now_!"

"Can't! Settin' up-"

"I don't care! Go! _NOW!_" Several pairs of feet ran out of the building towards the garage. "..._Scout!_ Did you get the food?"

"Wait, I thought you wanted me t' get th' booze!"

"Yes, _and _the food!"

"That was Heavy's job!"

"No, _his _was to set up the party games!"

"Heavy did that, just so leetle племянник knows."

"Thank you, oji-san. So, yeah, did you get food, Scout?"

"_No_!"

"Then what are we supposed to eat?!"

"The cake!"

"_It's rigged with explosives!_"

...

...

"Sooo... d'you wanna talk about it?" Dell finished gulping down the last of the mug, before slamming it on the counter harshly. He sighed tiredly, massaging his face with his free hand.

"...y'know 'bout mah wife, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Well..." Dell cleared his throat awkwardly. "...you know 'bout the night she died as well, right?"

"Yeah. You were driving home at night and some idiot hit your car." Dell grimaced at the bluntness, but he nodded.

"Thing is... t'night's the anniversary of her death." Pyro's eyes widened in realization.

"Oh... oh my god... Engie-"

"I don't need yer pity!" he snapped back. "I get it every year, on this day, from friends 'n family, and Ah'm sick of it! Tha's why I don't wanna talk 'bout it... I can't _stand _th' pity..."

"Well, why don't we just... talk?" Dell raised an eyebrow.

"What d'ya mean?"

"I _mean_ it's not good to just bottle up all your emotions. Sometimes people need to just talk about things; it helps sort out all your thoughts and it lets you get things off your chest. So, just... I dunno, talk about Naruto or something."

"Why on earth would I do that? Ya _live _with th' kid, and he's practically claimed you as his best friend!"

"Yeah, I know about him, but I don't know how you're dealing with having a son!" Dell blinked in surprise, not having anticipated this turn of the conversation. "You know what's weird? In all the years we've worked together, the only things I know about you is that your name is Dell Conagher, you have eleven science Ph.D's, and you're from Bee Cave, Texas. That's it. And, in all honesty, I'd like to get to know you as more than just 'The Engineer'-"

"'Scuse me, did y'all say 'Dell Conagher'?" Both men turned around to see a greasy man who smelled of beer (and had the gut to match) standing behind them. When he saw Dell's face, he smiled wide. "Well, lookee here, folks! Ol' Dell's come back to lil' old Bee Cave!" Dell grinned weakly as the entire bar paused their conversations to look at him.

"H-Hey Duncan... Long time n-no see..." Duncan laughed loud and clapped Dell on the back.

"Yer tellin' me, bud! Haven't seen ya 'round these parts fer years!" He turned to the rest of the bar and waved them off. "Don't y'all worry, folks; I'll take care of him!" He plopped onto the empty stool on the other side of Dell, and signaled the bartender for another round of drinks. Once the beers were delivered, Duncan quickly engaged Dell in conversation. Well, it was more along the lines of Duncan talking about himself and Dell nodded along like he actually gave two shits.

Riley wasn't an idiot, though. He knew Dell had a problem with the guy; he figured he himself would have problems with anybody looking like _that_. But he had seen the table Duncan got up from, and he didn't like the look of the rest of his buddies as they sat there and stared at the three of them like hawks.

He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his lucky Zippo lighter... just in case.

Finally, Duncan took one last swig of his beer, plopped it down and wiped his face with the back of his hand. "So! 'Nough 'bout me, Dell; what've you been up to lately?" Dell choked on his own beer, surprised at the change of conversation.

"W-well, I'm, uh, I'm workin' in engineering..." Duncan snorted a laugh.

"Why am I not surprised? Ya always were a nerd, Delly-boy!" Riley, sick of the redneck's attitude, finally decided to speak up.

"He works at Mann Co. as an Engineer. Some of their best inventions came from him... or his cousin." Dell blushed a beet red and whirled on Pyro.

"Py! Ya can't just blurt that out!" Pyro blinked lazily.

"Why not? He asked what you've been doing; I answered him honestly."

"Well, lucky Dell t' land such a job, am I right?" Both REDs turned their attention back onto Duncan, who had rotated around to lean back against the bar. He stared forward, almost refusing to look at them. "And people said I was 'Most Likely to Succeed' in High School." Dell's eyes narrowed suddenly.

"Well, I guess playin' around both on and off th' field doesn't exactly help yer case." Duncan's head snapped to face Dell, and the two stared at each other intently.

"Says the kid who ended up locked in their locker or hung up by yer undies in th' bathroom somewhere."

"Says the jerk who _put me there_."

"You were always a know-it-all, and ya never hesitated t' prove it!"

"How else am I s'posed to prove myself when you bullied me no matter what I did?!"

"Nerd."

"Jock."

"Know-it-all."

"Gym rat."

"Punching bag!"

"Drug addict!"

"_Fat-ass!_"

"_Walnut brain!_"

"Okay, now! I think that's enough insulting banter for the day!" Pyro suddenly broke in between the two, attempting to push them apart before something happened.

"By th' way, how's th' wife, Dell?"

Everything in the bar stopped.

Duncan grinned wide at the look on Dell's face. "Yeah, Sarah was a nice girl, wasn't she?"

"Stop..." It was barely a whisper, but Duncan heard it loud and clear.

"'Stop?' Why would ya want that, Dell? Ya used ta _love _talkin' 'bout yer girl!"

"Stop."

"Ya'd tell us all 'bout how beautiful she was, 'n how you were so _lucky _t' have 'er!"

"I said stop!"

"Not t' mention! 'Fore ya left, ya practically yapped everyones' head off 'bout how she was havin' _twins_!"

"YOU PIECE OF _SHIT_!" Dell screamed, tackling Duncan to the ground. Pyro nearly jumped in to pull Dell off (help him beat up Duncan), but movement from the table Duncan came from caught his attention and, instead, he went after the group of three approaching them.

Dell and Duncan were on the floor, wrestling like schoolboys, but there was nothing innocent to their fight. Dell caught Duncan on his eyebrow, and Duncan reciprocated with a nasty bruise to the cheek. Duncan hadn't expected this level of ferocity and strength from a little man like Dell, but he quickly got over his shock when Dell boxed his ear.

"Yer gonna pay fer that, ya shit!" he spat, backhanding Dell across the face and sending the smaller man to the floor. He didn't stay down long though, and got right back up before Duncan could take advantage of him, staring straight at the former football star.

"Ah'm gonna pay?" Dell asked dangerously quiet, eyes glinting evilly. Before anyone could react, he had grabbed a stray, glass mug and smashed it directly into Duncan's head, who went down hard. Before he could get up, a vice-like grip squeezed his throat, and he felt himself being lifted up in the air. He nearly pissed his pants when he realized it was Dell lifting him. "Boy, you ain't got a _clue _as t' what ah'm gonna do with ya..." He threw Duncan against a wooden pillar, and there was a cracking sound. Whether it was from the beam or bones in Duncan's body was uncertain.

"Ah coulda taken yer shit anyday, bucko," Dell said calmly as he stalked closer and closer to his target. A slightly smoking body nearly crashed into him, but had sailed right past his back without even a flinch from the engineer. "Ah never really held a grudge against ya, even with th' hell ya put me through." He knelt right down next to Duncan and whispered right into his ear, "But when you brought Sarah 'n mah children into this?" He moved his head until they were almost touching noses. "I hate t' say it, son, but yer gonna meet Satan t'night."

...

..

.

Naruto paced around the common area, worried that his father might be in some sort of trouble.

"Why is he late?! He never stays out this late! _Ever_!" Naruto mused with concern. Scout waved at him nonchalantly over by his place on the sofa.

"Don't worry 'bout it, squirt. Yer pop's, like, one of tha smartest guys out there!...'sides me, of course."

"Of course." Naruto mimicked sarcastically. Scout scowled for a moment, then continued on.

"Trust me, he ain't ever get in no trouble he can't get himself out of!" Naruto blinked in surprise.

"Wow, Scout... That's the first time I ever heard you praise someone other than yourself!" Scout pouted and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"No need ta be such a brat..." Lights suddenly swan across the wall adjacent to the window. Naruto darted over to it to look through, and squeaked slightly when he saw his dad's truck pull into the garage.

"HE'S HERE!" Naruto shouted. The entire team immediately got into their positions (Spy grumbling about it the entire time but he was overruled), and Medic switched off the lights. There was thumping as the two climbed the stairs from the garage to the kitchen, and Jeb suddenly gasped from his position.

"Shit..." he breathed. "I forgot about-!" he was cut off as the door swung wide open.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" the team (sans Spy and Jeb) shouted, Medic flicking on the lights.

...

...

There were many things Naruto expected from his surprise party for his dad.

One of them was that his dad would laugh and shrug off the surprise, with a, "Y'all shouldn't have!" or something.

He also expected genuine shock at the gesture, and would have been very happy, still.

Even worst-case scenario consisted of his dad getting a little mad, but then just going with it because Naruto planned it.

Or something like that!

But, of course, his father had to go ahead and be _completely _unpredictable.

So, when Medic turned the lights on, Naruto nearly screamed after his brain processed what his eyes saw.

Dell was, in a word, a mess. His face had several bruises on it, his lip was split, he had trails of blood running down the front of his shirt (his best shirt, mind you), and his Wrangler was missing two fingers.

Pyro, who was with him, didn't look much better either. While no one could see his face, he had just as much blood, and maybe even a broken wrist.

Obviously not a pretty sight.

And then his father immediately turned to go right back out, Jeb running after him immediately, tripping down the stairs as he did so. And he passed out in a puddle of his own vomit at the bottom.

There were many things Naruto planned for when it came to this party.

Not.

This.

...

..

.

Medic sighed as he walked out of the Infirmary.

"How is he?!" Naruto asked, as he got up out of his seat. Jeb looked up from his place next to his nephew, worry in his eyes.

"Honestly? He vas just drunk."

"...seriously?"

"Vell, he also vas in a fight or something... He has multiple bruises on his body, und his nose is broken. Zhe Pyro also suffered from injuries, zhough not as severe. Vhat he did when zhey valked through zhe door, zhough... I haff no explanation..." Jeb sighed.

"That's... that's more t' do with his history..."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.

"He tell ya 'bout his girl, Sarah?" Naruto nodded. "...tonight's th' night of her death." Naruto's eyes went wide and he paled.

"Oh... oh, shit..."

"Language," Jeb chided. "But yeah, that's th' problem. He went to a surprise birthday party that night, too, which probably brought up some bad memories fer him."

"Und you did not tell us _vhy_?!" Medic asked harshly. Jeb raised his hands defensively.

"It happened _years _ago, Med! I forgot 'bout it... right up until he was walkin' up those stairs..." He sank his head into his hands. "It was... awful, that night... I mean, what do ya do when ya get a call, not two hours after your brother walks out th' door, saying that there's been an accident?!"

"So... he doesn't like birthday parties?" Naruto asked. Jeb gave a small smile.

"No, lil' nephew... he don't like parties that much just yet... Dell's past aside, is yer Pyro awake? I wanna know what those two were up to."

"He is sleeping for now, but I can vake him-"

"It's fine, I jus' wanted ta know." He stood up and left the infirmary. "I'll head back to mah base, now. If he gets worse, give me a call. If not, I'll see ya on the field tomorrow."

"Of course." Medic turned back to Naruto. "Normally, I vouldn't ask zhis, but vould you like to stay here for zhe night?"

"Yes please!" Naruto answered anxiously. Medic nodded with a smile, and led the blonde into the Infirmary.

"I vill ask zhat you keep un eye on your _vater _for me. _Zwei Köpfe sind besser als einer_, no?" Naruto nodded, having heard the expression used by the German before. "You can use one of zhe spare cots to sleep, but try und stay alert if you _do _fall asleep. Respawn gets locked up overnight, und I'd razher spare your _vater _zhe pain of several hours vorth in zhere." Naruto promptly jumped up onto the cot directly next to his dad, reaching out a hand to lay on Dell's cot. Medic sighed and moved Naruto's cot as close to Dell's as the equipment surrounding the injured would allow.

"Thank you, Medic." Naruto whispered. The doctor nodded, and departed. Naruto sighed and moved his head back to look at his father's sleeping face. "Well... I guess this birthday was a bust, huh?"

"Can' say ah haven' had better..." he heard in reply.

"You sneak... you were probably waiting for Medic to leave, weren't you?" Naruto accused sarcastically.

"O' course! Can' have nas'y doctors interruptin' mah time with mah son!" Naruto giggled and attempted to snuggle in closer to his dad's chest, though he quickly recoiled hearing Dell's grunt of pain.

"Oh, did I hurt you?"

"Naw, jus' a bruise from... nev'r mind..."

"...you do realize you're gonna have to answer to Medic as soon as he realizes your awake, right?"

"Yeah... but tha' don't mean I can't put it off fer a bit..."

...

..

.

* * *

**Jeegus... I'm seriously putting off my work as of late...**

**I really had most of this done several weeks ago, but I never really finished it up...**

**Anyways, this is the second-to-last chapter before the time-skip!... I hope...**

**A.N. Time!:**

**(1):...**

**Wait, I don't really have any notes this time, do I?**

**Oh, well that makes my job easier!**

**Until next time!**

**~_Kage Musha_**


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